Great Times on Drugs

[The sound of wind blowing over a frozen tundra]

[Heckler:]
You got a bad attitude.

[The audience whoops]

[Hicks:]
[singing] "We've only just begun..."

I got alllllllllll sorts of new dark shit for you, my man.

You ever dance with the devil in the moonlight?

I dunno what my attitude is, I'm trying to work on it all the time. You know. What the fuck.
I'm drinking water tonight. That's pretty amazing. Water. It's really weird how your life changes, you know what I mean? Water.
Four years ago? Opium.

Isn't that weird? I mean, really!
Night and day! Night and fuckin' day!

Some of y'all may remember me as a drinker. Uh... I was a weekend drinker. You know, I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday. And, um... I thought I was controlling it there, but...

I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs anymore, either, than... I'd say, the average touring funk band.

If I had to add it up.

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either.
But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs. But I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea. You don't hear it very often anymore, BUT it is the truth... I had a great time doin' drugs.

Sorry.

Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife OR kids, laughed my ass off... and went about my day.

Sorry.

Now, where's my commercial?
Why don't I get a commercial? Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial?
"I lost my job, then my house, then my wife, then my car, then my kids. Don't do drugs."
Well, I'm definitely not doing 'em with you. Fuck!
Man, you're bummin' me out! Get him out of here!
Who invited Mr. Doom over? Get that guy out of here!
That guy by the dip. He's bummin' everyone out!
He hasn't stopped talkin'... I wish he'd lose his fuckin' voice!

I mean, I've lost my car before, okay.
Found it the next day, you know, no biggie.
I don't think that warranted a commercial.
"I lost my car and, uh...
Nope, there it is by that dumpster! Hahaha!
Forget it! See you tomorrow!"
[honks twice and speeds off]
You know, I've lost stuff. I'm not sayin' that.

I knew we were in trouble when that damn... that egg commercial. That guy. I knew that was... the government's take on drugs, you know, were fucked. Believe me.
"Here's your brain."
I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I've never ever ever EVER EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a fuckin' brain. Not once. Alright?
I have seen UFOs split the sky like a sheet, but I have never, ever, ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fuckin' brain... NOT ONCE.
I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there is no such thing as death, but I have never ever ever ever looked at an egg... and thought it was a fuckin' brain.
Now.
Maybe I wasn't getting good shit.

I admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated.
"Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains?
That sounds neat, did I quit too soon?
What is that, CIA stash?"

You see the guy in that commercial, guy's got a beer gut...
[thick Southern accent] "Alright, this is it. Look at that, man. This is yer brain. I ain't doin' this again. That's your br--"
The guy's drunk doing the fuckin' commercial, man.
"Here's your brain."
THAT'S AN EGG! That's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic. Dude, I'm trippin' right now... and I still see that as a fuckin' egg, alright?
I see the UFOs around it, but that is a goddamn EGG in the middle...
There's a Hobbit eating it, but got dammit, that Hobbit is eatin' a fuckin' EGG.
He's on a unicorn, but that-- nope!-- that-- eh!-- oh!-- That's a fuckin' egg! Yeah.

How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs.

[Audience Member:]
Why did you quit?

[Hicks:]
Why did I quit?
Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kinda hard to top that, alright?
They have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Alien Anonymous.
Tell you what, though, going to AA meetings (which I have to do), but uh, goin' there and hearin' people talk about their fuckin' booze stories... you know, I'm sittin' there...
"You know, I love the taste of gin. It's just so good. Ta--"
Fuck you, I've been on a UFO! Fuck off!
I went DRINKIN' with aliens, you fucker! Shut up!
"I lost my wife..."
I LOST AN ALIEN CULTURE WHO WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE PLANET ARCTURUS. FUCK YOU!
I mean, I don't know if I've gotten the Resentment/Forgiveness part down in the program, but!
[singing] "One day at a time..."

No, I just cannot, you know, believe in a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by... "This Bud's for You". I got news for you, folks.
A1: Alcohol is a drug
B2: (and here's the rub) Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin... combined each year.
So, thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den here tonight... you fine, upstanding citizens, you, wink wink, nudge nudge.

You know what? If I was gonna have a drug be legal, it would not be alcohol. You know why? There's better drugs and better drugs for you.
That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue.
"But wait a minute, Bill! Alcohol's an acceptable form of social interaction which for thousands of years has been the norm under which human beings have congregated and formed... social cliques, and they've conquered..."
Shut the fuck up.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs... I see through you.

Pot is a better drug than alcohol: fffffact. And I'll prove it to you.
You're at a ball game; you're at a concert; someone's really violent, aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smokin' pot?

[Audience:]
Drunk!

[Hicks:]
The one and only correct answer, tell 'em what they won, Johnny!

I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible!

"Hey, buddy!"
"Hey, what?"
[long pause]

End of argument.

Say you get in a car accident and you've been smoking pot.
You're only going 4 miles per hour!

[low screech, crash]
"Shit, we hit somethin'!"
"Forgot to open the garage door, man."

"We gotta get the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home!"

But I'll tell you the truth: I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law.
That rang true, now! I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, 'cause I hope you know this (I think you do): All governments are lying cocksuckers.

Hope you know that. Good, alright.

I mean, marijuana grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake, you know what I mean?
It's like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation and said, "There it is. My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest.
[pause]
Oh my Me...
I left fuckin' pot everywhere.
I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. Shit!
If I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression they're supposed to use it!
Shit!
Now I have to create Republicans."

So you see, it's a vicious cycle.

And I'm not promoting the use of drugs. Believe me. I've... I'm not. I've had bad times on drugs, okay? I mean, look at this haircut. Fuck!

I tell you, I live in New York now, man. I'll tell you, man, the War on Drugs has definitely taken a cease-fire there. It's...
I mean, it's incredible. They sell drugs out loud on the street.
"Heroin! Heroin! Heroin! Coke! Coke! Coke! Smoke! Smoke!
Heroin! Heroin!"
Those guys bug the shit out of me.
'Cause I'm walking down the street one day, this guy's walking ahead of me, passes one of those dealers, he looks at him and he goes, "Heroin! Heroin! Heroin!"
I pass him, he looked at me, he goes, "Glue!"

I can afford heroin, you fucker!
I'm doin' laundry right now.
Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners, I'm comin' back and buyin' some of that shit from you!
Didn't need to embarrass me to death, alright? I was mortified.

Glue.
Fucker!
Where's a bank machine? Come here!
Come here, Mr. Dealer! COME HERE!
I'm gonna show you my balance!
Then I'm gonna buy heroin from that little kid across the street. FUCK YOU!

New York's a rather tense town.