September Song

[ALL]
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh
Festival medley, festival medley

[JEFF and SUSAN]
Lots of things are happening
At the festival in September
Lots of people are coming
To watch us do our stuff

[HEIDI and HUNTER]
Our pants are what we're crapping in
At the festival in September
We're nervous as holy hell

[ALL]
And did we do enough
To get someone
With money

[SUSAN]
To like us?

[JEFF]
Trust us?

[HUNTER]
Back us?

[HEIDI]
Love us?

[SUSAN, spoken]
Happy opening, y'all. Hey, naked

[HUNTER, spoken]
Stop. I'm waiting until the last minute to put on my shirt because
I get sweaty under my left pit when I'm nervous

[SUSAN, spoken]
That is specific

[HEIDI, spoken]
You should go onstage like that

[HUNTER, spoken]
I would never go onstage without my shirt
We should have Jeffy take his shirt off

[JEFF, spoken]
I'm not taking my shirt off

[HUNTER, spoken]
Yeah, take your shirt off and we'll start the scene over
Heidi, you take your top off too

[HEIDI, spoken]
Hunter, I'm not going to take off my top

[HUNTER, spoken]
Both of you, take off your fucking shirts so we can sell some tickets to the show!

[SUSAN, spoken]
Yeah!

[HUNTER, spoken]
That's hot

[SUSAN, spoken]
Now Y'all, kiss - seriously Y'all, kiss

[JEFF, spoken]
Okay, that's ridiculous - I'm not gonna kiss her

[SUSAN, spoken]
I'll kiss her

[HUNTER, spoken]
Oh my god, this show has everything! Half naked guys and girl on girl action!

[SUSAN and HEIDI]
Festival medley

[ALL]
Vegetable medley

[HUNTER and JEFF]
TV actors in our show
What could be sweeter
We could get that woman who was on "Empty Nest"

[HEIDI, spoken]
Hey Swasson, are you okay?

[SUSAN, spoken]
No, Heidi, I'm bummed we only have four more of these
I like doing the show, it balances out my day job which is killing me softly
I wrote this song sitting at my desk today...
I'd like to sing it...
For you now...
(sung)
Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
If you shined a flashlight in my butt you'd see
I'm dying inside

[HUNTER and JEFF/ HEIDI and SUSAN]
Are we writing for/Inside
Are we writing for
Are we writing for/Inside!
Are we writing for

[HUNTER and HEIDI]
Festival medley

[SUSAN and JEFF]
Festival medley

[HUNTER and HEIDI]
Festival medley

[SUSAN and JEFF]
Festival medley

[HUNTER, spoken]
Has your mom come to every show?

[JEFF, spoken]
Every one

[HUNTER, spoken]
My mom is here tonight

[JEFF, spoken]
Oh my god, that's right

[HUNTER, spoken]
I'm nervous!
All that stuff about porn and fuck this and fuck that, and masturbating...

[JEFF, spoken]
Oh please, like your mom has never masturbated

[HUNTER, spoken]
Oh my god

[HUNTER and HEIDI]
Festival medley

[SUSAN and JEFF]
Festival medley

[HUNTER and HEIDI]
Festival medley

[ALL]
Thirty-one

[JEFF and HEIDI/ SUSAN and HUNTER]
Musicals in a scuffle/ Aaa
At the festival in September/ Aaa
All competing for ticket sales/ Aaa
And coverage in the press/ Aaa

[SUSAN and HUNTER/ JEFF and HEIDI]
We don't wanna get/ Aaa
Lost in the shuffle/ Aaa
At the festival in September/ Aaa
But we're gonna get lost in the shuffle/ Aaa

[ALL]
That is unless

[HEIDI and JEFF]
There is someone

[HUNTER and SUSAN]
Someone

[ALL]
With notoriety

[SUSAN]
To like us

[JEFF]
Trust us

[HUNTER]
Need us

[ALL]
Love us!

[HUNTER, spoken]
Hello?

[JEFF, spoken]
Hey, we got a bad review

[HUNTER, spoken]
I thought we agreed not to read reviews
What did it say?

[JEFF, spoken]
Well, it was like "the script is a sign of bad things to come" and "the songs were forgettable"...

[HUNTER, spoken]
You can't believe reviews
Wait, I'm getting another call

[JEFF, spoken]
Don't go away, I'm needy!

[HUNTER, spoken]
Hello?

[HEIDI, spoken]
Hunter, did you see it?

[HUNTER, spoken]
See what?

[HEIDI, spoken]
Hunter, page 2, Friday Times, Weekend section
They loved us!

[HUNTER, spoken]
What? Oh my god!
Hey, Jeff's on the other line - hang on

[HEIDI, spoken]
Okay

[HUNTER, spoken]
Jeff, we got a good review in The New York Times

[JEFF, spoken]
What?

[HUNTER, spoken]
Yeah! Page two, weekend section! This is so awesome!

[JEFF, spoken]
Wait a second, I thought you said not to read or believe that stuff

[HUNTER, spoken]
That was some bullshit I pulled out of my ass to make us feel better
Hey, let's conference in the girls. Heidi?

[HEIDI, spoken]
Hunter?

[JEFF, spoken]
Heidi?

[HEIDI, spoken]
Jeffery?

[HUNTER, spoken]
Susan?

[SUSAN, spoken]
Hunter?

[JEFF, spoken]
Susan?

[SUSAN, spoken]
Jeffy?

[HEIDI, spoken]
Susan?

[SUSAN, spoken]
Heidi?

[ALL, spoken]
Yay! Party line!

[HUNTER, spoken]
Hey, Susan, we got a good review in The New York Times!

[SUSAN, spoken]
Awesome! The Gray Lady, baby

[HUNTER, spoken]
Jeff, what was that bad review in anyway?

[JEFF, spoken]
Broadway.com

[HUNTER, spoken]
Broadway.com? Broadway.com can kneel down, open its online mouth and suck my

[SUSAN, JEFF, and HEIDI/ HUNTER]
Festival Medley/ it can suck my fucking cock!

[ALL]
Festival medley
Lots of things are
Happening at the festival
Everywhere you turn
There's a fuss!
There's mayhem abounding
At the festival in September
Lots of things are happening
They're happening

There's no stopping the momentum
Of the festival in September
Who knows what
Will all come from
The festival in September
Aaaah
It's the final show
Aaaah
At the festival
Aaaah
Said it's the final show
Aaaah
At the festival

[ALL, spoken]
That was amazing! Woo-hoo! Etc...

[HUNTER, spoken]
You guys, we had fancy producer and industry people here tonight

[HEIDI, spoken]
Oh my gosh, well get out there and go schmooze with them!

[JEFF, spoken]
Wish us luck!

[HEIDI and SUSAN, spoken]
Ahh! Sluck, sluck, sluck!
Good luck! Good luck!