Die Vampire Die!

[SUSAN, spoken]
There are some people in the world who say that writing stories
Or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them
Nothing interferes with their ability to create
While I celebrate their creative freedom
A little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth
This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out Y'all!

[BACKUP]
We'll sing backup

[SUSAN]
You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer

[BACKUP]
Old sock drawer!

[SUSAN]
You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore

[BACKUP]
Je suis whore

[SUSAN/BACKUP]
You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake/ Ooo
But you best grab a stake, 'cause/ Ooo
In sweep the vampires/ Ooo
In creep the vampires/ Ooo
Knee deep in vampires/ Ooo
Filling you with doubt/ Ooo
Insecurity, 'bout what your art should be/ Ooo
In sweep the vampires/ Ooo

[ALL]
Die vampire!

[SUSAN]
You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV

[BACKUP]
Tippy Turtle!

[SUSAN]
But your fourth-grade teacher said

[HEIDI, spoken]
You can't draw

[SUSAN]
Aww, those vampires won't let you be!

[BACKUP, spoken]
Fuck you Ms. Johnson, word!

[SUSAN]
And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing

[SUSAN]
In swoosh

[BACKUP]
Ooh, the vampires

[SUSAN]
In a whoosh

[BACKUP]
Ooh, the vampires

[SUSAN]
Babaganoosh

[BACKUP]
Ooh, all the vampires

[SUSAN]
Filling you with thoughts of

[BACKUP]
Self-consciousness

[SUSAN]
Feelings of

[BACKUP]
Worthlessness

[SUSAN]
They'll make you

[BACKUP]
Second guess

[SUSAN]
Die vam-

[ALL]
-pire!
There are so many vampires
Inside, outside, and nationwide
It helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!

[SUSAN, spoken/ BACKUP]
Listen closely/ Ooo
A vampire is any person or thought or feeling/ Ooo
That stands between you and your creative self-expression/ Ooo
But they can assume many seductive forms/ Ooo
Here's a few of them!/Ooo

[BACKUP]
Tell us, Susan!

[SUSAN, spoken]
First up are you pigmy vampires
They'll swarm around your head like gnats and say things like:

[HUNTER, spoken]
Your teeth need whitening

[HEIDI, spoken]
You went to state school?

[JEFF, spoken]
You sound weird

[HUNTER, spoken]
Shakespeare

[HEIDI, spoken]
Sondheim

[JEFF, spoken]
And Sedaris

[SUSAN, spoken]
Did it before you and better than you
Or they might say that you cannot sing good enough to be in a musical
Or they might say-

[BACKUP]
Ooh, your song's derivative
Ooh, your song's derivative
Ooh, your song's derivative

[BACKUP/ SUSAN, spoken]
Oo-hoo!/To keep that song from you! Just tell them

[ALL]
Die vampire, die!

[SUSAN, spoken]
Brothers and sisters
Next up is the air freshener vampire
She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny
If she smells something unpleasant in what you're creating
She'll urge you to'

[BACKUP]
(Spraying sound)

[SUSAN, spoken]
It with some pine fresh smell 'em ups
The air freshener vampire doesn't want you to write about

[JEFF, spoken]
Bad language

[HUNTER, spoken]
Blood

[HEIDI, spoken]
Or blow jobs

[SUSAN, spoken]
She wants you to clean it up and clean it out
Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless
But, you'll be left with two tight paragraphs
On kittens that your grandma would be so proud of

You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin' face and you say-

[ALL]
Morte vampir, morte

[SUSAN, spoken]
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair
It'll wake you up at 4 am to say things like-

[JEFF, spoken]
Who do you think you're kidding?

[HEIDI, spoken]
You look like a fool

[HUNTER, spoken]
No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough

[SUSAN, spoken]
Why is it if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
And said these things, I would think he was a mentally ill asshole
But if the vampire inside my head says it
It's the voice of reason

[JEFF]
You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!

[HEIDI]
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then

[HEIDI AND HUNTER]
Paint some more!

[SUSAN/ BACKUP]
Oh baby, you must escape/ Ooo
And grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea/ Ooo
Fuckin' break it, go on drive a stake in/ Aaa
Yeah, there's no mistakin'/ Aaa

[ALL]
Now you're shake and bakin'!

Die, vampire
I said, "Die, vampire"
I said, "Now die vam-pi-re, die!"

In fly the vampires
Oh my the vampires
Then die the vampires
Filling you with life, creativity
All that your art should be
Out go the vampires
Die vampire
Die vampire
Die vampire
Die!