An Original Musical

[BLANK PAPER (Hunter), spoken]
Hey, little guy! Why so blue?

[JEFF, spoken]
Well, Blank Paper
I’m trying to write a musical in two and a half weeks and I’m a little stuck

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Well, mother fucker
Why don’t I give you a crash course on how to go from a piece of blank paper to a full-tilt
Boogie, original musical

[JEFF, spoken]
Huh’ Wow! An original musical!

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
That’s right cracker
Now there aren’t many of us around and it’s a long journey, so let's get started

[JEFF, spoken]
Did you just call me a cracker, are you being black?

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Mother Fucker, I can be anything you want me to be, that’s the point

[JEFF, spoken]
Oh, so you’re saying that I want you to be black?

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Shut your face
(sung)
I'm an original musical
Original musical
Those other shows can step to the rear
If you lend me your ear
I’m gonna ease all your fear
And tell you all you need is what’s right up here

[JEFF, spoken/ BLANK PAPER]
I can’t decide if you’re trying to be Ben Vereen or/ Shh-conk, shh-conk, shh-conk
Randy Newman/ Pah, Pah, Pa

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Shut up. You see, a lot of times musicals are based on books like the Scarlet Pimpernel or Lestat
And other times they’re based on plays like Picnic, which became Hot September
But, more recently, musicals have been based on movies like My Favorite Year
Footloose, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Big, Saturday Night Fever, the Wedding Singer
The Full Monty, the Producers’ (inhales) Thoroughly Modern Millie
Hairspray, Beauty and the Beast, Billy Elliot, Spamalot’

[JEFF, spoken]
Wow! So movies make good musicals

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Well they make musicals

[JEFF, spoken]
Huh
Well, I’m trying to write a musical about two guys writing a musical
About two guys writing a musical

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Ooo’ that sounds like some crazy shit, bitch
But it’s original and I like that. Sing with me!

[JEFF, sung]
Okay!

[BOTH]
I'm an original musical
Original musical

[JEFF]
Like Kwamina

[BLANK PAPER]
And Starlight Express

[JEFF]
My show could be a success

[BLANK PAPER]
And not a big mess
Like Chess

[JEFF]
And I’ll make Broadway my eternal address

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Oh! Easy, Mother Fucker. Broadway!
Let’s start with off or off-off and then you can think about the Great White Way

[JEFF, spoken]
But, why can’t I dream big?

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Well, if it was a jukebox musical, a revival, or a recognizable commodity
I’d say dream away, beeoch. But, original
On Broadway, Baby, that is risky! Unless you got some stars in mind

[JEFF, spoken]
Well, we’d love to have Alice Ripley, she’s fierce. Hey!
That’s the first time I’ve ever said the word fierce. That’s the second!

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Player, I mean TV stars, pop stars, movie stars like Tony Braxton and Jenna Elfman

[JEFF, spoken]
But, I want our show to be good!

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
You want your ass to make some money!

[JEFF, spoken]
But, I believe that a good product with talented people is the way to go!
Hiring some talent-free celebrity just lowers the
Bar and I think audiences deserve better!

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Wee-waw, wee-waw, waw, waaaww’ shit
Audiences want to see Paris Hilton in the Apple Tree

[JEFF, spoken]
Who wants to see Paris Hilton in the Apple Tree?

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
I don’t know, a lot of people. Fuck, your ass is crazy Mother Fucker
But, I fucking like you and you may just be fucking
Crazy enough to fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck succeed, fucking, fucking, Mother Fucker

[JEFF, spoken]
Ow-o-ow! What’s with all the foul language?
Is that appropriate or even necessary?

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
I’m blank paper, your blank paper, make me say something else
I’ll say whatever you want me to, just put your pen to the
Paper and write

[JEFF, spoken]
Okay! I will! I will! I’ll write!

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Now we’re talking!

[BOTH]
Write that original musical
Original musical
Original in every way

[BLANK PAPER]
Ooo!

[JEFF]
It won’t be based on a play
Or a movie’

[BLANK PAPER]
I pray
That Jesus Christ will help you get to Broadway
And you can thank him in you bio someday

[JEFF, spoken]
Wow. People thank Jesus in their bio’

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
People thank their agents, their casts, and Jesus Christ
(sung)
Even though they might be Mormon and gay

[JEFF, spoken]
So, some Mormons are gay?

[BLANK PAPER, spoken]
Sure! Didn’t you ever see the national tour of 1776?
(sung)
Oh, yeah!
Aha-ha!