Red Starved

Title: Red Starved

[The episode begins in the Desert Lands. The camera pans down a gigantic pillar of sand leading to an underground city. Finn and Jake are at the base of a sand column next to some sand sculptures of soldiers.]

Jake: [moans]

Finn: What's wrong with you, man?

Jake: I ate all the candy in your backpack, and now I'm sick.

Finn: I didn't bring any candy.

Jake: Oh, no. That explains why it didn't taste right.

Finn: Nothing tastes right today. Like, I thought we were going to get into some serious flavor with these sand people, but they're just standing around like garnish.

Jake: That's how I feel—like a dying parsley. So what's goin' on with the spoon? Marceline and the spoon.

Finn: Um... [looks at the spoon on top of the column] nothing. [The spoon is lifted up and comes down.] Wait, there she goes!

Marceline: [invisible] Yo, wake up, sand dude. [taps a sand soldier with the spoon, causing the sculpture to crumble.] I think they're dead. [brings spoon over to Finn and becomes visible] A spoon.

Finn: [takes spoon] Yea-uh. The Spoon of Prosperity!

Jake: It doesn't look like mu—[belches]

[The belch echoes and causes more sculptures to crumble.]

Jake: Oh, my gosh, I feel so much better! Hungry, even. Guys, let's go home!

Finn: We've gotta get this spoon to Princess Bubblegum first.

Jake: [running off] Let's rock!

Marceline: What's PB want with that spoon, anyway?

Finn: Beats me.

Jake: Sometimes it's better not to know.

Marceline: Yeah, I guess that's true with Bonnibel.

Jake: Hey, guys, look what I found! [starts sinking in the sand]

Marceline: Is that quicksand?

Jake: Yeah! [laughs] [tries to get out several times but keeps falling back] Heh. Quicksand is pretty fun. Heh.

Finn: Quit messing around, Jake.

Jake: Okie-doke.

[Jake stretches an arm from his head to the support underneath the platform Finn and Marceline are on. The support crumbles, and Finn falls.]

Finn: Whoa!

[More structures behind them crumble.]

Jake: Hmm. Hey, is this whole place made out of sand?

Marceline: Sure looks that way.

Jake: Uh, give me a pull, please. [stretches his upper body to Finn and Marceline, who grab him and pull] [laughs] Stop, you guys are tickling me! Let me try this other thing. [shapeshifts his body into a corkscrew] Flesh drill!

Finn: I'm not sure that's a good idea—

[Jake starts drilling, rumbling the entire city.]

Jake: [screams] Yaah! Rug burn! Ow! Ow!

[The large pillar of sand collapses.]

Jake: Aah! [escapes the quicksand] Whoo! It worked! Jake drill worked, you guys.

[Marceline grabs them and floats upwards to avoid the avalanche of sand coming their way.]

Finn: Whoa!

Jake: Check it out! My piggies are free. [wiggles toes]

Marceline: You just demolished half the underground city.

Jake: Yeah, only half.

Finn: You also sealed our exit.

Jake: Our only exit.

Marceline: [groans] [drops Jake]

Jake: No regre-e-e-ets! [tumbles down a hill] I'm sorry. [touches his toe] This little piggie stayed home, and so should have I. I know! I'll dig us out of here.

Finn & Marceline: No!

Finn: You'll bury us alive!

Marceline: Undead!

Finn: [takes out his holo-pendant] Finn to PB. Come in, PB.

Princess Bubblegum: Oh, hi, Finn.

Finn: Princess, we're trapped in the underground city.

Princess Bubblegum: Yeah-yeah. That sounds great.

Finn: Huh? No, we need help!

Princess Bubblegum: That's great! [display glitches] Gre-gre-great! Great, great!

Finn: [sighs] Guess we lost the signal. [puts away pendant]

Marceline: Any more bright ideas?

Jake: Snacks!

Marceline: How are snacks gonna get us out of here?

Jake: I wanna eat snacks... because I am hungry.

Marceline: I'm hungry, too. Bust the snacks, Finn.

Jake: Bust, bust, bust!

[Finn takes off his pack and dumps its contents on the ground. Jake takes a cookie out of the pile.]

Marceline: Hey, where are my red erasers? They were in here.

Jake: Uh-oh. I thought they were candy.

Marceline: You... ate all... my red?!

Jake: Oooh. I'm sorry!

Finn: Calm down, Marceline. There's gotta be some red stuff in these ruins. I'll go explore. You guys hang out here and save your energy.

Marceline: Thanks, Finn.

Finn: [walking off] Be cool.

Jake: [eats cookie] So how hungry are you?

Marceline: [hisses]

Jake: Aah! [cowers] I'm sorry. Please don't eat my blood!

Marceline: [sighs] Jake, I don't want to hurt you, but you should know things get crazy when I'm hungry.

Jake: Like... how crazy?

Marceline: I'm gonna go into feral mode. [sighs] It's not gonna be pretty.

Jake: [whimpers] [eats the rest of his cookie]

Marceline: I know. Let's tie me up. That way, you won't be scared.

Jake: And that will keep you from draining my bloods?

Marceline: Not physically, no, but as a prop, I think it'll be good for both of us. You know, psychologically.

Jake: [gulps] [whispers] Hurry, Finn.

[Scene cuts to Finn passing some streams of lava.]

Finn: Red, red, red. I guess even a vampire queen's face would melt off if she tried to eat lava.

[Scene switches to Marceline, who is tied up to a sand column.]

Marceline: Get me a bucket of lava, Jake.

Jake: [eating a sandwich] Yo, you know better than that.

Marceline: Do iiiit...

Jake: Don't go crazy, okay?

Marceline: I'm frickin' hungry.

Jake: [gulps] Why did you leave me here, dude? [bites sandwich]

[Scene cuts back to Finn. He arrives at a large door of sand held up by four skeletons, behind which some red light is emanating.]

Finn: Okay, here we go. Yeah, look at that! [points to red glow] Something crazy red behind this door. Hmm. [looks at skeletons] Why are y'all holding this door shut? You don't look like sand peeps, neither. More like wisemen-zerts . Oh, well. Gotta feed the Marcy monster. [walks up to door] 'Scuse me. Up, sorry. Okay. Uhh... hi-yah! [kicks the door, which collapses] Oh, dag.

[Finn looks into a room full of immobile sand people bathing in the red light coming from a crown on a skeleton at the other side of the room.]

Finn: Cool... What the heck happened here? [grabs a hat from one of the skeletons] Whoop! [throws hat in the red light, which turns it to sand] Ew. Whoops. Y'alls got turned into sand people. Don't go in the light. Go like this. [walks along the edge of the room] Around it. Next time, you guys. Hmm... [sees that the source of the light is coming from a hole behind the skeleton] Whatever's down there's gotta have red blasting out of every hole. Hey, you're not still alive, right?

[The skeleton does not respond.]

Finn: Okay. I was just making sure. [crawls into hole] Bet that guy was a creep. [continues crawling] This hole is deep.

[Scene cuts back to Jake.]

Jake: Oh, my Glob. Oh, my Glob, where are you, man? Marcy's wiggin' out!

Marceline: Jaaaake...

Jake: What?

Marceline: I can smell your insides, Jake. [laughs] They smell... [sniffs deeply] red!

Jake: [screams]

Marceline: Yeah, lemme see in there.

Jake: [screams]

Marceline: Oh, yeah.

Jake: [screams]

[Scene cuts back to Finn.]

Finn: Maybe I should go back. Well, I've already gone this far. [reaches the end of the tunnel, where a red gem is shining light] Shebang! That oughtta be enough red to un... [notices that the red light is coming from a large turtle creature behind the gem] Oops.

Crab Demon: Paris? Is that you?

Finn: You mean the guy with the big thing on his head?

Crab Demon: Yes. Have you returned to complete the plan?

Finn: Naw. Paris is, like, super dead.

Crab Demon: What?! No! How long?

Finn: Dude, like, a really long time. Like five hundred years.

Crab Demon: [in disbelief] Five hundred—[sighs] Chum! I must've zoned out!

Finn: What the heck were you two doing?

Crab Demon: Once we turned the city to sand, we were gonna reanimate their bodies and conquer my homeland at the center of the planet.

Finn: Hm, that's dumb.

Crab Demon: Time to go back home a true loser.

Finn: Can I have this big ol' ruby, then?

Crab Demon: That's an emerald.

Finn: Clearly it's a big ol' ruby.

Crab Demon: I don't know what to tell you, man.

Finn: I would like the ruby.

Crab Demon: It's yours, buddy. [gets up] I'm outties. [backs out]

Finn: Peace. Hyup! [jumps down and tries to pull the ruby out] [strains] [farts] Whoops.

[Scene cuts to Marceline, who is buried up to her demonic face in sand.]

Jake: Okay, [pats sand] all done now. Nice and snug, right?

Marceline: Jake...

Jake: [gulps] What?

Marceline: I won't be able to... to control myself much longer. I can feel the feeding frenzy coming on. [licks teeth] I just wanna let you know I'm sorry. [laughs evilly]

Jake: You're sick!

Marceline: Yeah... [laughs]

Jake: C'mon, Jake, think... [groans] It's no good! I need brain food. [looks at pile of Finn's junk] Oh, dang, I ate everything! [moans] I'm so hungry! Baby's gonna starve to death! Unless... [looks at Marceline]

Marceline: What?

Jake: [laughs] [licks lips]

[Scene cuts back to Finn, who is pushing the ruby back through the tunnel.]

Finn: [straining] [stops and cries a little] [resumes pushing]

Jake: [panting] [digs a lava moat around Marceline]

Marceline: What are you doing?

Jake: I'm cooking up a crazy vampire! That should heat up nice! The sand will keep the meat moist.

Marceline: You're gonna eat me?

Jake: You was gonna eat me!

Marceline: Yes, I am. [laughs]

Jake: [blows lava] Cook, baby, cook!

[Finn arrives with the ruby.]

Jake: Finn!

Finn: [falls to the ground, exhausted] Bleh. The trick is rollin' it. Phew! Check out this ruby I got.

Jake: That's an emerald, dude.

Finn: You too now?! Emeralds are green, boyee.

Jake: This thing is green.

Finn: Why is everybody messin' with me? It's like a dark gray-ish red. Mostly gray. Sometimes red things are gray!

Jake: You're a little colorblind... and there's nothin' to be ashamed of!

[The "ruby" is now green.]

Finn: Oh... whoops.

Jake: I'm sorry you had to push that thing so far.

Finn: Uh, what's goin' on with Marcy?

Jake: She was threatening to eat my insides, so I'm cooking her. I know that sounds crazy, but I had no choice.

[Marceline is now missing.]

Jake: I'm operating on my lowest survival brain function right now. What? [looks behind him to see that Marceline is gone] [gasps]

Finn: Chill, man!

Jake: No, we gotta book! [pushes Finn into tunnel] Go!

Marceline: [floating near the ceiling] Go where, Jake? [laughs] I gotta suck out your insides first, right?

Finn: Nay-nay, brah!

Jake: [babbles]

Marceline: Time to eat! [The ceiling rumbles.] Huh? What the—?

[A large worm breaks through the ceiling. Princess Bubblegum is in its mouth, controlling it.]

Finn: Bubblegum?

Princess Bubblegum: Hey, guys. I saw my seismograph had gone off the charts, so I figured you might be in trouble, right?

Jake: Yeah, but watch out for Marceline. She's gone rabid!

Princess Bubblegum: What? Marceline's gonna rap for me?

[Marceline grabs Princess Bubblegum and bites her hair.]

Princess Bubblegum: [screams]

Finn & Jake: [gasp]

Marceline: [sighs] Woof. Thanks, Bonnie. That's enough low-grade red to get me home, at least. Come on, guys. Let's go.

Finn: Are you alright, PB?

Princess Bubblegum: [weakly] Did you get the Spoon of Prosperity?

Finn: [takes it out of his pack] Yeah, here you go. [hands it to her]

[Princess Bubblegum places it on her nose, and she returns to normal.]

Finn & Marceline: Whoa.

[Finn, Jake, and Marceline applaud.]

Princess Bubblegum: Peeps will never starve in my eternal empire. Sand worm, up!

[The sand worm leaps upward as the city fills with lava.]