Real Life

[Verse 1]
I knew a man who always worried
That if knocked down by a nineteen
The nurses who to help had hurried
Might find his boxer shorts unclean
And so he washed them all twice daily
And when an accident occurred
The doctor said sadly"I know what he has
The poor man is dead. He's allergic to Daz"

[Refrain]
Cos this is real life

[Verse 2]
Which is always such a mess
Badly designed, under-rehearsed, no proper tunes
We live in real life
Which is not a nice address
Needs doing up
Needs some white paint, needs a few balloons
Life is a fan club and I'm not a fan
Life is a bran tub, no prizes, just bran

[Verse 3]
Take one redundant bus inspector
Who joined the long term unemployed
Applied to funeral director
Was taken on, was overjoyed
He felt, as death is always with us
This job at least would be secure
He shouldered the coffin, the sun on his back
The boss saw him smiling and gave him the sack

[Refrain]
Cos this is real life

[Verse 4]
And we're not allowed to swap
Hoping to find one with more plot, one with more sex
We visit real life
And we blunder round the shop
Squinting at lists, losing our purse, dropping our specs
Life is a handshake that's clammy and limp
A scene from a script that's been typed by a chimp

[Verse 5]
A sweet old couple had a party
Cos they'd been married sixty years
Sat hand in hand and hale and hearty
The local press were all in tears
The woman from the news said "Ivy
What's helped your marriage last so well?'"
She looked at her husband and said with a wink
"Regular sex with the coalman, I think"

[Refrain]
Cos this is real life

[Verse 6]
Which is always going to be
Like a toupee hurting your head, showing the join
Because in real life
There will always be a knee
Coming your way, aiming itself straight for your groin
It's a windowless room in the Hotel Belle Vue
It's an arse kicking party thrown specially for me and you