Baby Boom

Oh God, you know I'm forty odd
I read it in a magazine
Eek squeak, I’m practically antique
And yet I feel about thirteen (well most days)
Oh God, I'm such a barmy sod
I read the tea leaves in my cup
But all that they
Ever seem to say
Is for Christ's sake grow up

Oh flip, I need to get a grip
I’ve never learned to ski or punt (go easy)
Ooh aah, I fasten up me bra
By twizzing it around the front (how sleazy)
For God's sake, give a girl a break
Why am I so insecure?
I could take a header
Into vintage cheddar
And still not be mature

Tee hee, born in fifty three
The middle of the baby boom
Couldn't dance, never had a chance
There was never any bleeding room (quite frankly)
Boo hoo, I'm in a blooming queue
The baby boom is headed west
Well we did the twist
Then we all got pissed
In a tie-dyed granddad vest

Can't win, never fitted in
Never was a sixties child (those sizzlers)
No point, couldn't roll a joint
Used to drive me boyfriend wild (his Rizlas)
Spots, specs, terrible at sex
Lay there like a stunned gazelle
I was thirty three
When it dawned on me
That girls could move as well

Fair dos, I managed sex and booze
But rock and roll got clean away (and smoking)
Big fan of Brotherhood of Man
I kissed their picture every day (I'm joking)
Ooh err, I'd never heard of Blur
’Cos actually you know I’ve gone
Right from 10cc
Straight to HRT
Turning left at Elton John

Hey hey, baby on the way
Eighties mothers really tried (they rambled)
No drugs, wrap yourself in rugs
Eat your own placenta fried (or scrambled)
Swear, curse, I'm shouting at the nurse
She said "Just do the best you can"
I felt such a fool
In the birthing pool
In the middle of a hosepipe ban

Stone me, now I’m forty three
Can I see the years ahead, I can (white sandals)
Ex-Lax, elasticated slacks
Weekends on the Isle of Man (no vandals)
Jigsaws, I won't go out of doors
Without a hat upon me old permed head
I shall crochet dolls
In me Dr Scholls
In the middle of me folding bed

Hey ho, I don't know
God gives us all a place on Earth (like Crawley)
How sad, the life I might've had
If I’d been swapped at birth (Sue Lawley)
Ho hum, I've got it all to come
Tomorrow is another day
Well I'm five foot five
And I'm still alive
And that's all I want to say