Pam

[Hook]
Da, da-da, da-da
Da-da da-da-da
Da, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

[Verse 1]
Can I tell you who I am?
I'm Pamela Patricia, but they call me Pam
I don't like shorts or slingback shoes
My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews

[Verse 2]
I don't say who, I do say whom
I never use the toilet, just the smallest room
I don't say gay, I still say queer
I think that Mussolini had the right idea

[Vocalized Hook]

[Verse 3]
Got engaged in '62
Got married in the April, in a nice pale blue
It all turned sour, to say the least
I was stuck in Abagelli with a sex-crazed beast

[Verse 4]
Our wedding night, I heard a cough
There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off
Now look, I said, I must be blunt
I couldn't give a beggar's on the whole sex front

[Verse 5]
Not me, not my scene
I prefer a game of Rummy and an Ovaltine
Harold, dear, do get dressed
I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed

[Alternative Hook]
La, da-da, da-da
Da-da da-da-da
Da, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

[Verse 6]
Once divorced, I lived alone
Then chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan
She moved in, she seemed quite nice
Wore army boots and braces, but I didn't think twice

[Verse 7]
Then one night, she seemed upset
I said, are you not happy in my maisonette?
She drained her rum and baby sham
Ran her fingers through her crewcut, said "I love you Pam"

[Alternative Hook]
Wa, da-da, da-da
Da-da da-da-da
Wa, da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

[Verse 8]
I didn't faint, I didn't scream
Just carried on demolishing my custard cream
She said, please come upstairs with me?
I'll show you just how wonderful a love can be

[Verse 9]
I said alright, but don't be late
There's a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight
So, up we go, and off she went
But all I seem to think about was Stoke-on-Trent

[Verse 10]
Not me, it didn't gel
I prefer a cup of coco and a Ruth Rendell
Joan, dear, do get dressed
No woman over forty suits a mauve stringed vest

[Alternative Hook]
La-
La-la-la
La

[Verse 11]
Then last year to beat the blues
I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise
So much to do, so much to see
With a load of single women who look just like me

[Verse 12]
Then one night, I clicked like that
With a bachelor named Billy in a golfing hat
We were so happy, hand in hand
Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland

[Alternative Hook]
La-
La-la-la
La

[Verse 13]
I told him sex had been no go
He took it as a challenge and we went below
We kissed and hugged without delay
He tried to take my rainhood off, I said no way

[Verse 14]
He said I bet you ten whole pounds
I bet you have an orgasm while I'm around
He got stuck in, he really tried
But I only felt a tremour down my left hand side

[Verse 15]
Not me, that's my boast
I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast
Bill, dear, do get dressed
But he just fell over moaning as he clutched his chest

[Spoken Word]
He went "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh..."
It was that type of sound

[Verse 16]
Bill was dead, he died for me
They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea
But as I poured another cup, I thought
I never had that orgasm
I am ten quid up!