Plain Jane Fat Ass

[IVY, spoken]
Hey Romeo, you coming?

[JASON, spoken]
In a sec

[Ivy and Peter exit, and Nadia approaches Jason]

[NADIA, JASON, spoken]
Congratulations, Romeo
Dad'll be excited
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that conversation
Now, don't forget that behind every great man
Is a dimwitted sister who just wants to be fed
Nurse, who knew?
I thought for sure I'd get Peasant Number 8
Or Jolly Spinstress Number 3
I know you have more confidence in your acting than that
Oh, I do

(sung)
I know a girl full of confidence
Yes, whenever she's full, she's a confident girl
She'll have your piece of pie
Then inhale another ten
There's a thin girl inside her with twelve of her friends
Hips that could bear you a buffalo

(spoken)
Longhorn?

(sung)
Ass that's so vast, I could block out the sun
You know that you're insane
I'm a caution for the vain
Mothers say "Well, dear, there's fat, then there's Jane"

[NADIA]
Plain Jane fat ass
Guilty of swallowing Jenny Craig whole
Plain Jane fat ass
Keeping society so ill at ease and loving her role

[JASON, NADIA, spoken]
Why are you so hard on yourself?
Why are you such an overachiever?
Dad (Mom)
"Nadia, it's just that I know you'd be happier—"
"Okay, kiddo
I didn't spend thousand of dollars on private golf lessons
So you could quit the team sophomore year"
"It's mind over matter, if you keep your mind focused"
"We just want you to be happy", to make us happy

(sung)
But why can't the fat girl play Juliet?
It's the plumpest of roles, so then why not pick me?
It's just a stupid show
Says a dashing Romeo
Well, I've played a servant for years in a row

[NADIA]
But I'll have the last laugh, you bet your ass
Hurt me? You can't! I have mounds of thick skin
Beating high school doesn't last
And someday, I have a hunch
That I'll eat them for breakfast
And shit them for lunch

Plain Jane fat ass
Hungry for love, she's a sensitive soul
Plain Jane fat ass
Keeping society so ill at ease and loving her role

(spoken)
Dad's birthday package arrived
Two weeks late, as usual
Here's your birthday check
Financial proof that Dad loves you, huh
And oh, surprise, a note!

(sung)
"Dear Jason
Please find enclosed
This very thick package that came for you yesterday
I talked to Father Flynn and he told me you were in
But call anyway when you open it"

(spoken)
Notre Dame!

(sung)
"We always knew that you'd keep the McConnell flame burning
Love, Dad"

[JASON, NADIA, spoken]
Hey, what did Dad get you?
You mean what did a Dad's secretary get me?
These earrings
I think they're slimming
What do you think?
Come here

[They hug]