Personal Column

Right behind the headlines of the papers there's a space entitled "personal"
And since I'm young and sensitive it's always there I turn to first of all
For in between the vibro-massage, sauna baths, the rubber goods, the corsetry
Someone sends a message that is classified as advertising agony

Agony will always find a way,
You read there every day true-life love stories
Taken short
Agony at seven-and-a-kick a time
A stifled sob a line, a list of breaking hearts
And surgical supports

Molly, will you please come home, I miss you, will you please forgive me?
I love you very much and I am sorry for what I did, love, Sidney
Artistic photographs, plain paper covers, fifty-nine-and-sixpence, postage free
Unsightly hair on arms and legs and faces is removed quite painlessly

Who knows if wayward Molly will return?
Does Sidney really yearn, and if he does
Does Molly care?
What quarrel set them at each other's throats?
Did Sidney send for postcards through the post
Or did Molly grow superfluous hair everywhere?

Widow, 46, would like sophisticated gentleman to contact her
Similar interests and with a view to friendliness, motor car preferred
Mrs Ivy Armitage thanks all her friends for kindnesses when times were hard
And the Honorable Dicky Cholmondley's not sending anybody any Christmas cards

Dynamic methods strengthen and refine
The power of your mind in case your memories
Are none too good
And if you cannot manage on your own
Take out a personal loan, there's no security
It's understood

Seven days' free trial for an anti-nuclear shelter, no obligations at all
And there's news of debutantes coming out with all the customary Belgrave balls
Ten shillings reward, box No. 33 has gone and lost her budgerigar
Happy Birthday darling Sheila from your mummy and your daddy, wherever you are

Right behind the headlines of the papers there's a space entitled "personal"
And for those who get the agony, that's the place to turn to first of all