Once Upon A Time [Carnegie Hall]

FZ: We will translate, as we go along, some of the more important facets of this particular piece. Before we begin, I will tell you a little bit of the story of the piece. It was constructed from an English text, which was translated into German. And then the music was written for the German pronunciation. And the story is about how the good Lord has created a sofa, his interest in home movies, and the relationship between his girlfriend and a hot, magic pig. Okay. Ready?
Mark: Yes
FZ: One, two, three . .

FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, when the universe consisted of nothing more elaborate than Mark Volman . .
Mark: Oh, thank you, Frank. And hiya, friends! Oh, what a life! I mean to tell ya everybody is always asking me the same question, "Are you kidding?" I am not kidding. I feel great today. I am portly, and I am maroon. How many people out here in this audience can guess what I am?
Howard: I don't know
Jim: Not me
Ian: Not me
FZ: No, I couldn't guess
Mark: I'll give you some clues
FZ: Alice Cooper
Mark: Heh heh. Clue number one, I AM PORTLY. Yeah. Do you know yet? Well, then I'll give you clue number two. Clue number two and very important, I AM DOUBLE KNIT
Howard: No, I still don't know what you are
FZ: It's too obscure
Mark: And clue number three, and I dedicate this especially to all the girls in the audience, ICH BIN MAROON
Mothers: Ahhhh!
Howard: Why didn't you say so!
Mark: I knew it would give it away

FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, when the universe consisted of nothing more and nothing less than Mark Volman . .
Mark: Thank you, Frank
FZ: . . . trying to convince each and every member of this audience that he was nothing more, nothing less, than a fat, maroon sofa, suspended in the midst of a vast emptiness—would you please turn down the monitors a little bit so they don't ring up here on the stage? After the monitors— Yeah, that's much better—, a light shined down from Heaven. And the voice of the Lord rang out. He was feeling really swift that day. And he was extremely taken with the plump succulent sofa
Mark: Thank you, Frank, hiya friends
FZ: And he figured if there's one thing that this sofa needs, it's a little moral support at Carnegie Hall. So he turned, in a Woodstock Nation sort of gesture, to the far corners of the universe and conjured up the celestial corps of engineers and asked them to construct something substantial beneath the sofa. And he did this with a little song. It goes something like this:

Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa
(Sing along, all of you!)
Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa

FZ: You got the words? Okay, "Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag; Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa"

Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesen fetten, fließenden Sofa

FZ: And of course that means, "Give unto me a bit of flooring under this fat, floating sofa." And no shit, surprise, surprise, boards of oak appeared throughout the emptiness as far as vision permits, stretching all the way from Trona, California, to LeFrak City. And the Lord put aside his huge cigar, contemplated the substantiated sofa, and decided that the next phase of his universal operation must of necessity include a dramatic briefing, wherein he, the all-powerful force of the sky, would whip on the helpless little sofa the morbid details of their forthcoming relationship. In other words, God was gonna tell him where it was at just like a regular old Woodstock Nation acid flash. Get the picture, boys and girls? And so, he conjured up a small electric clarinet and played the intro to the hot number wherein the facts were revealed, and it went like this . .