Call Any Vegetable [Carnegie Hall]

FZ: This is a song about vegetables. They keep you regular, they're real good for you

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah-eh-hey, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la . . . oh

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yeah-eh-hey, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la, the vegetable will respond to you
La-la-ah la-la . .

Ruta-bay-ayga, Ruta-bay-ayga
Ruta-bay-ayga, Ruta-bay-ayga
Ruta-bayyyyy . .

No one will know
If you don't want to let 'em know
No one will know
'Less it's you that might tell 'em so

Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Vegetables dream
Of responding to you

Standing there shiny and proud by your side
Holding your joint while the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable something to hide?
To hide!
To hide!
To hide!

Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo . .

FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say?" And sometimes they think, "Where can I go?"
Howard: Where can I go to get the runs in Manhattan?
Mark: At the City Squire Inn, at 312 Fifty— . .
Howard: Where can I go to get castrated in Central Park?
Mark: At One Fifth Avenue Hotel in the heart of . .
Howard: Where can I go to have my hemorrhoids lanced in Yonkers?
Mark: At . .
Howard: Where can I go to get a rancid cowboy shirt in Hollywood?
Mark: At Art and Dotty Todd's rancid . .
Howard: Where can I go to have a striped flag shirt made . .
Mark: At Ro . .
Howard: . . . so I can get the shit beat out of me?
Mark: At Roy . . . Ha hah!
FZ: Questions, questions, questions. Flooding into the mind of the concerned young person today. Oh, but it is a wonderful time to be alive, and I doubt that there is one person in this audience tonight that wouldn't agree with the concept that it's really great to be alive when you can consider the alternatives. (BURP) And there's one of them now. But I think there's one thing that we should all remember here in this . . . marvelous . . . CARNEGIE HALL . . . Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck are we doing here? And there are other great questions to consider. The origins of various things that have been important to the development of civilization as we know it
Mark: I almost cut my hair
FZ: So few people know that "I Almost Cut My Hair" was co-authored by Elliot Roberts. But there's even fewer people who know the real mythical importance of the next few things that I'm going to explain to you. Now these, these few words, these phrases, which you— you could recite to yourself in sort of a mantra-like fashion, could, used properly under the suitable clinical conditions, provide infinite cosmic wisdom. And I know that's were— That's where all of you guys would like to be at anyway. Otherwise you wouldn't be staying here in New York, where it's all really happening. And to enable you to continue your great work, expanding your consciousness, developing into the citizens of tomorrow, we'd like to present to you at this time some helpful hints. They're in code, so you have to pay very close attention. Memorize the code and work it out when you get home. Here is the first coded message . .

MUFFINS!
(YEAHH!)
PUMPKINS!
(YEAHH!)
WAX PAPER!
(YEAHH!)
CALEDONIAS, MAHOGANIES, ELBOWS
(YEAH!)
GREEN THINGS IN GENERAL . .
And soon: A NEW RAPPORT! You and all your new little green & yellow buddies grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! And worshipping together in the church of your choice, only in America . .

God bless America
America, America . .
(Sieg Heil!)
Land that I . .

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
You gotta call one today
When you get off the train

Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
Yes indeed, that the vegetable will RESPOND to you

Howard: I am reminded of an ancient Roman fable. It seems there was this old centaur, about to cack. And he went down to the stream to look at his old and weary face in reflection in the pond, and he saw the aged lines, and he thought of all those orgies he'd attended, and he thought of all the grapes he'd had peeled for them of all those lovely little wood nymphos that he had taken behind the bushes in his youth. And all of a sudden a magical noise, and Pan—happy, fun filled, cherubic Pan, with his little flute—came right up behind the centaur and stuck his flute right up his ass. Which only goes to show the following message . .