Billy The Mountain- Part 1 [Carnegie Hall]

FZ:

Well, the next . . . Relax, ladies and gentlemen . . . I'll tell you what you're going to hear, that's "Billy The Mountain." We've added some things to "Billy The Mountain" since the last time we played it at the Fillmore. And if you're a real fanatic, you'll know exactly where they are. Okay, uhm, excuse me just a moment

Guy From The Audience:

Where is the rest of the orchestra?

FZ:

You are the orchestra. For those of you who haven't heard this piece, uh, it's about half an hour long and it's pretty complicated. There's dancing, talking, singing and musical stuff in there. Do me a favor and please don't make any extraneous noise during the thing so that we don't get fucked up in the middle of it, okay?

Mark & Howard:

BILLY the Mountain
BILLY the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHELL
A tree!
A tree!

BILLY was a mountain

FZ:

BILLY was a mountain

Mark & Howard:

ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

FZ:

ETHELL was indeed a tree growing off of his shoulder

Mark & Howard:

BILLY was a mountain

FZ:

A regular picturesque postcardy mountain

Mark & Howard:

ETHELL was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

FZ:

Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman

Mark & Howard:

Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
(HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a boulder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a boulder

Mark:

Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a large Lincoln Continental and he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN. Now, that was right where Billy's 'foot' was supposed to be

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties!

FZ & Others:

Royalties . .
Royalties!

Howard:

Billy The Mountain, your royalties are here!

Mark:

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Oh, yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his cliff, well, it was a jaw, it dropped thirty feet!

A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders were hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'!

Mark & Howard:

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTALLED my car!

Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VALLEY?
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit!)

I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar!

Mark:

By two o'clock, when the bars are all closed down, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN had already broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . .

Jim & Howard:

"ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!"

Mark:

Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like little old woman, any old wo—, any, any little woman, she of course was very, very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . They were going to NEW YORK!

Jim & Howard:

"ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!"

Mark:

But first they would stop in LAS VEGAS . .

Mark & Howard:

It's off to LAS VEGAS
To check out the lounges
Pull a few handles
And drink a few beers
(Oh, ETHELL!)

ETHELL, my darling
You know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)

Glad we could have a
Vacation this year!

Mark:

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds

Jim & Howard:

"ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"

Mark & Others:

(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)

Jim & Howard:

"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?"

Jim:

The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . .

FZ:

And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF was . . . LUNCHED!

All:

(Lunched!)

FZ:

By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE

Mark & Howard:

Good bye to LAS VEGAS
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles
We drank a few beers
(CHUG-A-LUG-A-LUG!)

Guess that GEORGE PONTOON
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year
(GEORGE PONTOON!)

His biggest new story
That has broken this year
(Take it away, newscaster George Pontoon!)

Jim:

Word just in to the NEW Nurz Service . .

Mark:

Nurz Service?

Jim:

. . . undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a Staten Island SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in Manhattan that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN in Philadelphia, Kansas City, Denver, Indianapolis, Queens, The Bronx, and other important cities in New York State will provide Mayor Lindsay the SECRET EVIDENCE he has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of High School Teachers and Taxi Drivers throughout the EMPIRE STATE. However it is This Reporter's Opinion that ETHELL is a FORMER COMMUNIST . .

Ian:

WITHIN THE WEEK

Don:

Jerry Lewis

Don & Ian:

Had hosted a Telethon

Mark & Howard:

("Wah wah wah, nice lady!")

Jim:

To raise funds for the injured

Mark & Howard:

(the injured . . . )

Jim:

And homeless

Mark & Howard:

(homeless . . . )

Mark, Howard & Jim:

In Denver

FZ:

As BILLY had just levelled it

Mark:

And, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a

Mark & Howard:

'Oh Mein Papa'

Mark:

In the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS where they keep the

Mark & Howard:

POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS

Mark:

Just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . .

FZ:

Oh, yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon, little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his stoop

Howard:

("Auntie Em!")

FZ:

Squeezing his concertina

Howard:

("Auntie Em!")

FZ:

When a mysterious wind came up from the East

Howard:

("Toto . . . ! Come back, Toto!")

FZ:

And a mysterious wind that came up from the West

Howard:

("Auntie Em! Auntie Em!")

FZ:

And a mysterious wind that came up from the South

Howard:

("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . ! Auntie Em!")

FZ:

And a mysterious wind came down from the North

Howard:

("Auntie Em!")

Mark:

Oh, my God!

Howard:

"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow . . . "

Howard:

("Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Auntie Em!")

Mark:

. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of

Mark & Howard:

THE MID WEST!

Mark:

Ye-es. Now, if I remember correctly, it was right outside of Pontiac, Michigan when BILLY was hanging out with the ALICE COOPER guys, you know what I mean, when he got his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL—and ALICE'S SNAKE—said, they weren't gonna let him go!

Howard:

"We're not gonna let you go, baby!"

Mark:

But GEORGE PONTOON, the RIGHT-WING RADICAL FASCIST PINKO PRICKO . . . NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles had this to say:

Howard:

Take it away, GEORGE PONTOON, the RADICAL RIGHT-WING FASCIST PINKO PRICKO NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles, hey!

Jim:

"We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED LUTHERAN MINISTER in PONTIAC, MICHIGAN, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices . . . "

Howard:

(COVEN!)

Jim:

"WITCH-CRAFT!"

FZ:

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! And that one MORTAL MAN, as you'd probably remember from the Fillmore East, was none other than STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP. Bring the band on down behind me, boys. And the details of STUDEBAKER:

Howard:

Now, some folks say he looked like IGGY STOOGE

Mark:

(Iggy Stooge, now)

Howard:

Still others say

Mark:

(others say)

Howard:

Nay and bullshit, man

Mark:

(bullshit, man)

Howard:

He was just born next to the Frozen Beef Pies down at the local GRISTEDES

Mark:

([...])

Howard:

Still others say, Hey, fuck you, man . .

Mark:

(others say . . . )

Howard:

He's just another crazy Italian who drove a RED SPORTS CAR, you know

Mark:

(crazy Italian . . .)

Howard:

But the funny thing was, nobody knew for sure, because he was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious

Mark:

(but nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so mysterious) . .

Mark & Howard:

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!

'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, folks
And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE
You can never REALLY TELL
About a GUY LIKE THAT
(Whether he's really a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMILES A LOT)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO'
Or what?

FZ:

Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?

Mark & Howard:

Some men say he could FLY
Some men say he could SWIM
Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA)
And all the girls in FLUSHING
Would be AMAZED of HIM

Mark:

(Two, Three!)

Mark & Howard:

AMAZED of HIM!

Howard:

(Amazed!)

FZ:

Time passes . .

Mark:

January

Howard:

February

FZ:

October

Jim:

September . . . 1921 . .

FZ:

Montreal . .

Howard:

Dangerfield's . .

Mark:

1952 . .

Jim:

1925 . .

FZ:

John Dillinger . .

Howard:

One Fifth Avenue . .

Jim:

1970 . .

FZ:

You're on the rag!

Jim:

1971

Mark:

Your mother's Pinto . .

FZ:

Wednesday . .

Mark:

I want a Pinto . .

Jim:

Holy Thursday . .

Mark:

Bill Cullen . .

FZ:

She's only thirteen and she knows how to nasty . .

Howard:

So when the phone rang
(Thank you)
In the secret briefcase
A strong masculine hand
With a wristwatch

Mark:

And flexy bracelet

Mark & Howard:

GRABBED IT

Jim:

And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice . .

Howard:

Yeah?

Mark:

Studebaker?

Howard:

Yeahh

Mark:

Studebaker Hoch, Secret Agent?

Howard:

Yeah!

Mark:

The same Studebaker Hoch, Secret Agent that plays conga drums on the new LEON RUSSELL album?

Howard:

NO! I told you never to call me on the purple phone!

Mark:

But . . . but . .

Howard:

They're always listening

Mark:

But, but, it's ME, LITTLE EMIL!

Howard:

LITTLE EMIL!

Mark:

LITTLE EMIL!

Howard:

LITTLE EMIL!

Mark:

LITTLE EMIL!

Howard:

Yeah, you got the code?

Mark:

I got the code. You got the pencil?

Howard:

I got the pencil

Mark:

I got the code

Howard:

Lay it on me

Mark:

You got the pencil?

Howard:

I got the pencil

Mark:

I got the code

Howard:

You got the code. Lay it on me

Mark:

Here comes the code

Howard:

Here comes the code

Mark:

One hen

Howard:

One hen

Mark:

One hen
Two ducks

Howard:

One hen
Two ducks

Mark:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese

Howard:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese

Howard & Mark:

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth

One hen
Two ducks
Three squawking geese
Four Limerick oysters
Five corpulent porpoises
Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers
Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array
Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth
Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who haul quay around the quo of the quivvy of the quarry, all at the same time

Howard:

Oh! . . . Oh, my goodness . .

Mark:

You got the code?

Howard:

I got the code

Mark:

I got the pencil

Howard:

Oh, my God. That's terrible. A mountain . . . ? With a, with a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Oh, my God. Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? (Free Huey! Free Huey!) Can I fly there immediately and reason with him? Wow . . . An expense account? And per diem, too?

Mark & Howard:

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE!

FZ:

And he could dance like a son of a bitch. And just to prove it, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON, COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE and WINNIPEG RANGER NASAL SALUTE

Mothers:

Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey!

THREE FROM THE EAST-UH
THREE FROM THE WEST-UH
THREE FROM THE NORTH-UH
THREE FROM THE SOUTH-UH

Howard:

THREE FROM THE LEFT NOSTRIL!

?:

Three from the right nostril

Mark:

Three from the tongue

Mothers:

RANGERS HO!

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . .

FZ:

STUDEBAKER HOCH . . . Mysterious . . . Provocative . . . Homunculus . . . So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! Consider if you will the most recent one that appeared in SCREW, wherein STUDEBAKER himself was credited with the ability to write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!

Howard & Mark:

Some men say he could write THE LORD'S Prayer
On the head of a
Head of a
Head of a pin
Ah!
(Three Dog Night!)
(Good God!)
(Say!)
(All right, all right . . . )

Other still maintain the FACT!

Joe Schermie, oh, my God! Good God! Good God!

Joy to the world . .
One is the loneliest number that you'll e . .
Liar, liar . .

He was born next to the Frozen Beef Pies

FZ:

A Frozen Beef Pie for Elliot Roberts

Mothers:

Do-do-do-do-do
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do
Doot-doot-do DO!
Etc

Mark:

BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES
Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture
Right beside JAMES TAYLOR'S bulging Bank Book
And next to
CAROLE KING'S contraceptives
On the boat
Where DAVID CROSBY flushed all his stash
So they took him away
And locked him up inside a big jail
And there he sang DÉJÀ VU
To himself until he got bail
And then he walked
Down the streets with McGUINN
Just before
Before he changed his name back to JIM
And he got his cape
From the BYRDS out of the cleaners

Mark & Howard:

FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!

(And that was the main influence on HIM!)

FZ:

Obviously that was the main influence on him

Jim:

Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife

Mark:

(who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . HE ran around the back of the nearest A&P to find some big, un-used cardboard boxes

Howard:

After which, he hit up the nearest GRISTEDE'S for some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', and a pair of blunt scissors!

Mark:

And in the parking lot of the ONE FIFTH AVENUE (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and then he covered them thoroughly with foil!

Mark & Howard:

Thorough-LY wi-TH FOIL-L-L!
Thorough-LY wi-TH FOIL-L-L!

Jim:

Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . .

Mark:

He SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And then he pulled down his blue denim policeman type looking trouser, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA syrup all over the inside of his thighs!

Jim:

Soon the booth was filling with flies!

Mark & Howard:

(Help me, help me, help me!)

Jim:

He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in

Mark:

(Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into the phone booth with him, and they were lapping up all that good old AUNT JEMIMA syrup, well, he bent over and he put his own head between his legs and he said in a very, very clear, L. RON HUBBARD-type voice . .

Mothers:

"NEW YORK!"

. . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!

Mark & Howard:

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!

He's coating his legs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!

Stoodlabaker Hoch
He's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He does it every night!
Stoodlabaker Hoch
He treats the flies all right
STOODLA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!

He could be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a LESBIAN QUEEN!

(Fly to New York!)

He could be a NARK
Or a LADY MARINE!

Or he might play dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting old? Say! I don't know!)

His peculiar attire
And the flies he require
Keep leading him on
'Cause ETHELL is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on

(Please to New York!
Fly to New York!)

Zappa!