On Watching the 158th Consecutive Episode of House

1. The cold open is a man collapsing. You are always
collapsing. The man is giving away a million dollars.
Consider altruism a symptom.
2. Let’s not talk about what Netflix has done to the intro.
2. House shaves his beard and head. Punk music plays. We
are meant to think of this as a new beginning.
3. House has a new recruit on his diagnostic team. She is
lithe and beautiful in a non-offensive way. Her hair is done
up in a way that no doctor’s would never be. This escapes
House’s notice. Nothing escapes House’s notice.
4. Through diegetic sound we are meant to understand that
the new orthopedics lab is annoying.
5. The new recruit, who increasingly resembles a charmless
Mandy Moore, is performing an ultrasound in heels. She is
bereft of labcoat.
6. House is racist. This is okay because he doesn’t use bad
words and we are meant to understand that House is us, and
we are not racist. Foreman is now the Dean of Medicine.
They exist in détente.
7. 13 shows up to tell House to stop calling her. He says no.
His inability to respect others is what endears us to him.
8. The patient is a plot device. The patient is the apotheosis
of altruism. The patient is tachycardic.
9. House is balding. Or Hugh Laurie is balding. The camera
doesn’t address this and neither should you.
10. Wilson appears long enough to make a thinly-veiled
selfish argument for altruism. Something about end-stage
renal disease. It’s not important. The patient has Long QT.
11. The patient has a wife. She is not philanthropic. The
patient’s hands are trembling.
12. House is sexist. This is okay because he is a straight
shooter; he says what we are thinking but would never say
aloud. 13 has a new girlfriend. House says nothing. He is
not himself just as we are not ourselves.
13. House, Wilson and Foreman have a walk and talk.
Walking gives the story the illusion of moving forward.
House walks with his cane on the wrong side. As Always.
14. We are back to a diagnosis of Whipple’s disease. It’s
most certainly not Whipple’s.
15. House does clinic hours. House mocks his clinic patient
in a way that makes us feel smart and morally superior.
16. It’s not Whipple’s. House drugs the patient.
17. House stands on the mezzanine, despondent. He throws
Mike and Ikes at the clueless janitor below. You remind
yourself that he is brilliant, that not just anyone can abuse
the privilege of class.
18. The patient’s wife appears. She wants to be loved more
than others. She wants love to be selfish. We know it is.
19. The patient is Jesus. The patient is giving all their
organs away. This is crazy. We should all do this.
20. Keep in mind there are a lot of moving pieces. Keep in
mind I’ve had too much wine.
21. It seems like acute intermittent porphyria. But it can’t
be yet. We are meant to know we are still missing
something. You are missing something.
22. 13 has a speech about the ethics of responsibility. We
again believe in a social contract. House plays along for our
benefit.
23. Renal cancer lady is finally dead. And 13 is back. And
Wilson reveals the answer. It’s Plummer’s disease. His
thyroid is responsible for his charitable urges. It was the
iodine contrast after all. His love for his family returns. He
is human again. Absolute generosity is obviously stupid.
House generously fires 13.
24. House is mean to those who love him the most. We are
meant to understand that we are. House is in pain. House is
always in pain. We are all in pain.
25. Except this time he’s not. No Vicodin, no prostitutes,
no Cuddy. No death, no sorrow, no physical reminders of
life’s ceaseless suffering. No walking. Just nothing. Just
you. Alone. Cane on the wrong side. As always.