My High School Sweetheart (1985)

[SWEETHEART]
My high school sweetheart is a person, too
I tell him he's a person
He says I'm just ridickalous
My high school sweetheart
Is a too ridickalous sweetheart
Who's a-

[WIFE and GOLDBERG]
-Who's a-

[SWEETHEART]
-Person too
He's a person

I want to hold him but he's not alive
Repeat that I'm a person
He says I'm just ridickalous
My high school sweetheart
Is a too ridickalous sweetheart
Who's a-

[ALL]
-Who's a-

[SWEETHEART]
-Person too
He's a person

I say a person has her wants and needs
I'm not a greedy person
He says I'm just ridickalous!
I'm just ridickalous
I'm a too ridickalous sweetheart
Who's a-

[ALL]
-Who'a a-

[SWEETHEART]
-person too

[ALL]
We're a person

[GOLDBERG]
He's a person

He's a person

[MARVIN]
I'm a person

I'm a person

[SWEETHEART]
I'm a person

I'm a person

I'm a person

[LADIES]
I'm a person

[SWEETHEART]
I'm a person

I'm a person

[WIFE]
I'm a person

[WIFE and GOLDBERG]
He's a person

[MARVIN]
He's a person

[WIFE and GOLDBERG]
He's a person

[MARVIN]
I'm a person

I'm a person
[SWEETHEART]
Here I am, Marvin, hold me
I want you
To want me badly
Love me madly
Put me onto your bed;
Not a ped-
Estal
Will you?
Please do

[ALL]
Marvin loves Miss Goldberg

[SWEETHEART]
But, I'm his sweetheart

[MARVIN]
I love Miss Goldberg
She cast me in her play
She gave me words to say
Made me what I am today

[SWEETHEART]
I'm his sweetheart

[MARVIN]
I am Columbus

[WIFE]
I'm a person

[MARVIN]
Columbus

[SWEETHEART]
I'm his sweetheart

[MARVIN]
King of the ocean

[WIFE and SWEETHEART]
I'm a person...

[MARVIN]
Columbus...

(spoken)
Christopher Columbus as you recall had three ships: The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, the Santa Maria being the best looking of the three, lots of gold and carved wood. Even the Pinta had its admirers. But it was the Nina that Columbus was fondest of - 'cause it was named after his mother, Nina Columbus

[GOLDBERG]
Go ahead
Play Columbus
Stop making me crazy, Marvin
Crazy Marvin
I love the way Marvin acts
I do
Do not make faces
And do not undo the facts
Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax

[ALL]
Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax

[GOLDBERG and MARVIN]
Go ahead
Play Columbus
Stop making me crazy, Marvin
Crazy Marvin
I love the way Marvin acts
I do
Do not make faces
And do not undo the facts
[WIFE and SWEETHEART]
Relax
Relax
Relax
Relax. Relax
Relax. Relax
Relax. Relax
Relax. Relax
Relax. Relax
[ALL]
Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Queen Isabella - this is not often told to 9th graders - but here goes:

[MARVIN, spoken]
Queen Isabella, who financed Columbus' trip to America, was his secret girlfriend

[WIFE and SWEETHEART, spoken]
A historical fact

[MARVIN, spoken]
He was her date at a cotillion given by Spanish high society on the occasion of her inauguration; but because he wasn't royalty, he was made to sit upstairs in her bedroom and, while she cavorted downstairs, he read back issues of Stella d'oro and other 15th century periodicals

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Columbus later said:

[MARVIN, spoken]
It was one of the best nights of my life

[LADIES]
He loves Miss Goldberg

[MARVIN]
She cast me in her play
She gave me words to say
Made me what I am today

[SWEETHEART]
I'm his sweetheart

[MARVIN]
I am Columbus...

[WIFE]
I'm a person

[MARVIN]
...Columbus...

[SWEETHEART]
I'm his sweetheart

[MARVIN]
...King of the ocean...

[SWEETHEART]
I'm his sweetheart
[WIFE and GOLDBERG]
I'm a person

[WIFE and GOLDBERG]
I'm a person
[MARVIN]
...Columbus!

(spoken)
Columbus' last words were: "I only wish I could have discovered Europe."

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Oh, Marvin!