How America Got Its Name

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
While Queen Isabella found out that Columbus was screwing around she was furious. She threw things at him and told him to get out of her country

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Isabella was a gutsy woman. People used to lick the streets after she walked by in order to show respect for this great lady. Queen Isabella personally though thought their licking was disgusting - and so do I. But this was Spain, circa 1490, and licking the streets was considered perfectly normal behavior. For the lower classes

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
As for Columbus...

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Columbus didn't used to be a sailor

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
From the day he was born, Columbus was slated to be a sailor. Which he became

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He was first and foremost a kept man

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
He was a kept sailor

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He did little all day but jot down ridiculous poems and wait for Isabella to call his name

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
But Queen Isabella, much to her royal displeasure, found out Columbus was cheating on her

[MARVIN, spoken]
He wasn't cheating exactly

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
This is what happened. One day - now this is the truth - one day outside Poma del Fuego, he necked furiously with a young man whose red hair and broad shoulders reminded Columbus of his mother. Columbus had never felt such stirrings of deep emotion beneath his Italian marble facade. They met at odd hours off and on for three weeks, Columbus and this gentleman from Poma del Fuego

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
And soon Isabella, who was no dummy, realized that Columbus was having an affair with someone else

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
And Columbus had hell to pay, yes sir, and I mean hell

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He was out of his mind with grief about Isabella's anger because Isabella paid for his fine clothes, she provided him with a fine apartment, rent-free...

[MARVIN, spoken]
And he loved her

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
You're telling me he grieved because he loved her?

[MARVIN, spoken]
I'm telling you...

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Ah shut up. She wanted him out of her sight - and the lady always got what she wanted. Isabella swore he would never have another woman as long as he lived, so she put him on a doomed boat with known homosexuals, and laughed a wicked royal laugh

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
Like this: ha-ha-ha

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Those who knew him well say that Columbus was half insane by the time they strapped him to a ship and pushed him out to sea

[MARVIN, spoken]
On board, Columbus stayed in his room and sulked. He spoke to no one except the porter. He told his porter that if they came across any new land it was to be called Isabella in hopes the Queen would forgive him

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
He wrote her love letters begging her forgiveness. He wrote:

[MARVIN, spoken]
Dear Isabella, forgive me

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
You think she was moved? You think so? Then you didn't know Isabella. She laughed in his face

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
Like this: ha-ha-ha

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He wrote her:

[MARVIN, spoken]
Dear Isabella; You don't know the whole story. I was not having an affair with a lady in waiting...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
He would send the letters by carrier pigeon

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He wrote:

[MARVIN, spoken]
Dearst Isabella

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
She laughed in his face

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He wrote her:

[MARVIN, spoken]
If I discover any new land, I shall name it Isabellaland

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Until one day...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
(This is a love story)

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
There was a knock at the door...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
Of Columbus' room...

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Onboard this ship...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
On which Isabella...

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Royalty of Spain...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
Had deported her kept man...

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Christopher Columbus

[MARVIN, spoken]
Please come in

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
Columbus could not believe his eyes

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Columbus could not trust his legs

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
There, outlined by the light of the sea, stood the handsome young man from Poma del Fuego

[MARVIN, spoken]
Please come in

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
The young man asked if he could sit down. He asked if there was anything to drink. He asked if he could take off his clothes

[MARVIN, spoken]
Columbus could not trust his voice

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
They got into bed

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
Where they didn't sleep

[MARVIN, spoken]
We slept a little

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
For thirty days

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
Fifty days

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
85 rapturous days and nights

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
When Marvin suggested...

[MARVIN, spoken]
Not a moment too soon...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
That they should take a shower - which, thank God, they did

[ALL, spoken]
All of this Columbus wrote in a letter to Isabella

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
To tell you the truth, Queen Isabella wasn't interested. She ripped up the letter. She said she was disgusted and appalled. She told her husband that as far as she was concerned, Columbus was one dead explorer

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
The two bachelors left Columbus' room arm in arm bound for the shower, and were halted by the sight of a magnificant land mass up ahead. Everybody was yelling:

[GOLDBERG and SWEETHEART, spoken]
"Thar's Isabellaland!"

[MARVIN, spoken]
Because that was the name I had told the porter to call any new land we came across

[GOLDBERG and SWEETHEART, spoken]
"Thar's Isabellaland!"

[MARVIN, spoken]
It was a bright green land

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
A ballsy land

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
A land brimming with possibilities

[MARVIN, spoken]
Men...

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
...He said...

[SWEETHEART, spoken]
He spoke to the assembled homosexuals

[GOLDBERG, spoken]
He was very moved by this discovery...

[MARVIN, spoken]
...No longer do I call this Isabellaland. But, rather, this fine green beautiful land I see today, I name America - after Amerigo Vespucci - a young man I met in Poma del Fuego with red hair and broad shoulders like my mother

[ALL, sung]
God bless America
God bless America
God...

[MARVIN, spoken]
I love you

[ALL, sung]
Hey, I love you
Set those sails
A good man never fails
Hey, I love you
Set those sails
A good man never...

[MARVIN, spoken]
The thing about explorers is: they discover things that are already there. Columbus signed his last letter "Love, Christopher" - and went ashore