Millennium Approaches Act 1 Scene 2

Scene 2

Same day. Roy and Joe in Roy's office. Roy at an impressive desk, bare except for a very elaborate phone system, rows and rows of flashing buttons that bleep and beep and whistle incessantly, making chaotic music underneath Roy's conversations. Joe is sitting, waiting. Roy conducts business with great energy, impatience and sensual abandon: gesticulating, shouting, cajoling, crooning, playing the phone's receiver, its hold button and the buttons for its numerous lines with virtuosity and love.

ROY (Hitting the hold button)
Hold. (To Joe) I wish I was an octopus, a fucking octopus. Eight loving arms and all those suckers. Know what I mean?

JOE
No, I-

ROY (Gesturing to a deli platter of little sandwiches on his desk)
You want lunch?

JOE
No, that's OK really I just-

ROY (Hitting a button)
Ailene? Roy Cohn. Now what kind of a greeting is- I thought we were friends, Ai- Look Mrs. Soffer you don't have to get- You're upset. You're yelling. You'll aggravate your condition, you shouldn't yell, you'll pop little blood vessels in your face if you yell- No that was a joke, Mrs. Soffer, I was joking- I already apologized sixteen times for that, Mrs. Soffer, you... (While she's fulminating, Roy covers the mouthpiece with his hand and talks to Joe) This'll take a minute, eat already, what is this tasty sandwich here it's- (He takes a bite of a sandwich) Mmmmm, liver or some- Here. (He pitches the sandwich to Joe, who catches it and returns it to the platter. Back to Mrs. Soffer) Uh-huh, uh-huh... No, I already told you it wasn't a vacation it was business, Mrs. Soffer, I have clients in Haiti, Mrs. Soffer, I- Listen Ailene, YOU THINK I'M THE ONLY GODDAMN LAWYER IN HISTORY EVER MISSED A COURT DATE?! Don't make such a big fucking- Hold. (He hits the hold button) You HAG!

JOE
If this is a bad time-

ROY
Bad time? This is a good time! (Button) Baby doll, get me- Oh fuck, wait. (Button) Hello? Yah. Sorry to keep you holding Judge Hollins, I- Oh Mrs. Hollins, sorry dear, deep voice you got. Enjoying your visit? (Hand over mouthpiece again; to Joe) She sounds like a truck driver and he sounds like Kate Smith, very confusing. Nixon appointed him, all the geeks are Nixon appointees. (To Mrs. Hollins) Yeah, yeah right good so how many tickets dear? Seven? For what, Cats, 42nd Street, what? No you wouldn't like La Cage, trust me, I know. Oh for godsake. Hold. (Hold button, button) Baby doll, seven for Cats or something, anything hard to get, I don't give a fuck what and neither will they. (Button, to Joe) You see La Cage?

JOE
No, I-

ROY
Fabulous. Best thing on Broadway. Maybe ever. (Button) Who? Aw, Jesus H. Christ, Harry, no, Harry, Judge John Francis Grimes, Manhattan Family Court. Do I have to do every goddamn thing myself? Touch the bastard, Harry, and don't call me on this line again, I told you not to.

JOE (Starting to get up)
Roy, uh, should I wait outside or-

ROY (To Joe)
Oh sit. (To Harry) You hold. I pay you to hold fuck you Harry you jerk. Half-wit dick-brain. (Hold button, then he looks at Joe. A beat, then:)

I see the universe, Joe, as a kind of sandstorm in outer space with winds of mega-hurricane velocity, but instead of grains of sand it's shards and splinters of glass. You ever feel that way? Ever have one of those days?

JOE
I'm not sure I-

ROY
So how's life in Appeals? How's the judge?

JOE
He sends his best.

ROY
He's a good man. Loyal. Not the brightest man on the bench, but he has manners. And a nice head of silver hair.

JOE
He gives me a lot of responsibility.

ROY
Yeah, like writing his decisions and signing his name.

JOE
Well...

ROY
He's a nice guy. And you cover admirably.

JOE
Well, thanks, Roy, I-

ROY (Button)
Yah? Who is this? Well who the fuck are you? Hold. (Hold button) Harry? Eighty-seven grand, something like that. Fuck him. Eat me. New Jersey, chain of porno film stores in, uh, Weehawken. That's- Harry, that's the beauty of the law. (Hold button, button) So, baby doll, what? Cats? Ugh. (Button) Fucking tourists. (He puts his finger on the button for the line on which Harry is holding; before pushing it, to Joe) Oh live a little, Joe, eat something, for Christ sake.

JOE
Um, Roy, could you-

ROY
What? (Pushing the button; to Harry) Hold a minute. (Hold button, button) Mrs. Soffer? Mrs.- (Button, to Baby Doll) God-fucking-damnit to hell, where is- (Continue below:)

JOE
Roy, I'd really appreciate it if-

ROY (Continuous from above)
Well she was here a minute ago, baby doll, see if-

(The phone starts making three different beeping sounds, all at once.)

ROY (Smashing buttons)
Jesus fuck this goddamn thing!

JOE
I really wish you wouldn't-

ROY (Continuous from above)
Baby doll? Ring the Post get me Suzy see if-

(The phone starts whistling loudly)

ROY
CHRIST!

JOE
Roy.

ROY (Into receiver)
Hold. (Hold button; to Joe) What?

JOE
Could you please not take the Lord's name in vain?

(Pause.)

JOE
I'm sorry. But please. At least while I'm...

ROY (Laughs, then)
Right. Sorry. Fuck.

Only in America. (Punches a button) Baby doll, tell 'em all to fuck off. Tell 'em I died. You handle Mrs. Soffer. Tell her it's on the way. Tell her I'm schtupping the judge. I'll call her back. I will call her. I know how much I borrowed. She's got four hundred times that stuffed up her- Yeah tell her I said that.

(Button. The phone is silent)

So Joe.

JOE
I'm sorry Roy, I just-

ROY
No no no no, principles count, I respect principles, I'm not religious but I like God and God likes me. Baptist, Catholic?

JOE
Mormon.

ROY
Mormon. Delectable. Absolutely. Only in America. So, Joe. Whattya think?

JOE
It's... well...

ROY
Crazy life.

JOE
Chaotic.

ROY
Well but God bless chaos. Right?

JOE
Ummm...

ROY
Huh. Mormons. I knew Mormons, in, um, Nevada.

JOE
Utah, mostly.

ROY
No, these Mormons were in Vegas.

So. So, how'd you like to go to Washington and work for the Justice Department?

JOE
Sorry?

ROY
How'd you like to go to Washington and work for the Justice Department? All I gotta do is pick up the phone, talk to Ed, and you're in.

JOE
In... what, exactly?

ROY
Associate Assistant Something Big. Internal Affairs, heart of the woods, something nice with clout.

JOE
Ed...?

ROY
Meese. The Attorney General.

JOE
Oh.

ROY
I just have to pick up the phone...

JOE
I have to think.

ROY
Of course.

(Pause.)

It's a great time to be in Washington, Joe.

JOE
Roy, it's incredibly exciting.

ROY
And it would mean something to me. You understand?

(Little pause.)

JOE
I... can't say how much I appreciate this Roy, I'm sort of... well, stunned, I mean... Thanks, Roy. But I have to give it some thought. I have to ask my wife.

ROY
Your wife. Of course.

JOE
But I really appreciate-

ROY
Of course. Talk to your wife.