Medic! The Musical

There's a certain hellish realm
Reserved for everyone who yells
They need the Medic!

Every evening while I sleep
While I'm busy counting sheep
They all bleat 'MEDIC'!

While I'm eating, while I'm reading
Or excreting on the John...
There's no hiding from the screaming in my mind!

There's no place in heaven high
Where I can crawl away and die
The only real solution's absolutely homicide!

All the wounds I've ever sealed
All the boo-boos that I've healed...
I'm a changed Medic!

Now these injuries can stay
While I blow some n00bs away!
Beware the Medic!

The Soldier and the Sniper
I'm afraid they've not got long...
The Demoman and Pyro quickly fade!

And the Medic will just laugh
While the Heavy's torn in half
By the Medic and his Bonesaw's gruesome blade!

Now the Sniper has jars of Jarate--
Clear glass bottles he fills with his piss
When he hits all his foes, he crits all of his blows!
He has that... I have this!

The Engineer has electronics
And the Spy's got disguises and tricks!
And the Pyro's insane! (Eh, the Scout's kind of lame)
They do that... I do this
I do this...

If you'd like a reason why
My entire team should die
Then play the Medic!

Well my friends, the doctor's out...
Of his whole mind! So go on, shout!
You'll get no Medic!

I don't care about points or payloads
Only psychopathic sprees
Nor which color team you're playing
RED or BLU!

And if I see just one more hat
I'll tear your insides out like that!
Like Saxton Hale
On a safari at the zoo!

I'm a physician on a mission
And contrition's not my style!
Am I a monster or a Mann?
I cannot say!

All I know is that my Über's
Locked and loaded like a trooper!
Medicare's one shot away!

You think I've arrived bearing safety
But I come not with peace but a sword!
There's a high price to pay for the health I've purveyed!
All I do, you've ignored!
All I do, I've abhorred!

I once was a man who was valiantly healing
Everyone crying, 'MEDIC!'
I once healed a Spy who then knifed me goodbye!
That's when I learned to just Let people die...
Let them die!

Leave the Demoman for dead!
Let the Heavy fill with lead!
Meet the new Medic!

May the Pyro be enflamed!
May you loathe this wretched game
Without the Medic!

May your papers all be stolen!
Your intelligence be lost!
May your sandviches be full of rancid meat!

And the first fool that I hear
Who calls for Medic gets their rear
Rent surgically...

By me, your friendly Ph.D
The Medic