Ganon Claus: A Zelda Christmas Carol

A time ago, and far away
There was a distant land!
And in it lived a handsome brute
A grouchy, greenish man!

He beat to death a gangly elf
And led the Gerudo Clan!
He was known as the dreaded Ganon Claus!

"Oh, I know that story!"
"You do?"
“Sure!”

Old Ganon Claus had sacks of gold
He gave to those in need! ("He what?!")
He'd Ho-ho-ho across the snow
Upon his noble steed!

-And then
In every town, he’d trample down-
-All those practicing greed, ("Hey!")
Says the tale of the gracious Ganon Claus!

"That sounds ridiculous, and completely made up! And where'd you get that flugelhorn?"
"Bеats me!"

Now Ganon Claus was pretty bad
His evil knеw no bounds! ("Oh, dear!")
-I heard he did much nicer things-
-Like burn stuff to the ground! ("Yeah! Wait-")

He killed off Gorons, Zoras
And that guy who goes around-
...and around... and around... and around...

"That guy kind of looks like Brentalfloss..."

...and the world feared the wicked Ganon Claus!

There came a day when Ganon Claus
Caused Hyrule's hope to fall!
He took the Triforce, then proclaimed...
-"Merry Christmas to you all!" ("No, he didn’t!")

Put his Rupees in charities
And gave his mom a call! ("MOM?!")
Oh, that merry and caring Ganon Claus!

“No, no, that's not how it went! You completely screwed up the whole song!”