Little Dumbo

[Dr. Edward Daniel Taylor]
My brothers and my sisters! People, we only have two minutes left, and we have $9,999 to go! Come on, you ungrateful slobs! We've had some great guests on this telethon to volunteer their time and energy for this worthy cause, and the cheap publicity. Now fork it over! Do you want the Lord to call me at His home? Do you want Donohue in the White House? No, you don't! You don't want Tilton on prime time, do you?

[Congregant]
No!

[Taylor]
And now I'd like to introduce my semi-ambitious but less than charismatic, non-descript, pathetic son, who hopes one day against all hope to take over my ministry. (Over my dead body!) Ahem. Now, I'd like to tempt you--or he'd like to tempt you with some special offer I'm sure you'll find hard to resist. So now here he is--that Bible college dropout, that weak-kneed, lily-livered weasel I reluctantly call son, Little Dumbo!

[Little Dumbo]
Thanks, Dad. If it weren't for you, I'd still be scraping skid marks off the Prickly Heat World Ministry waterslide.

[Congregant]
Amen!

[Dumbo]
In 1964, when my wife Beulah Land was a-cookin' up "torillies" over a Bunsen burner in our tent, the face of Art Carney appeared, portraying Ed Norton. You know, Ralph Kramden's little buddy. He was the one who worked in the sewer.

[Taylor]
Make your point, son!

[Dumbo]
Uh, uh, well, well, his face appeared in the tortilly, and it changed our lives. I always make it a point to give my testimony before I speak publicly.

[Taylor]
We're tired of your testimony! The whole congregation is sick and tired of your testimony, son!

[Congregant]
Amen!

[Dumbo]
Uh, uh, well now, I have the privilege of hocking, uh, cheap religious knicks-knacks for my domineering, omnipresent but, uh, everloving father. Uh, my dad.

[Taylor]
Get off your knees, boy! I'm only a man!

[Dumbo]
Now tonight, brothers and sisters, for your love gift of $300 or more, we're gonna send you offer 999--that's 666 upside-down. It's an autographed prayer chamois worn by my father as a loin cloth during his very unsuccessful healing crusade to the lepers of Java. You nearly lost your big fanny on that one, Dad.

[Taylor]
I hate you, son. I mean, I hate the sin, but I love the sinner!

[Dumbo]
Amen. Now let's go to the phones. Hello? Would you like to make a pledge to the Swirling Eddies Miracle Faith Prickly Heat Telethon?

[Man on Phone]
I don't want to give anybody anything! What are you trying to do, blackmail me?

[Taylor]
What's going on here, son?

[Dumbo]
All right, sir. We'll put you down for $300.

[Taylor]
Three hundred smacks! I'm proud of you, Dumbo.

[Man on Phone]
I'd like for you to try to collect it, you idiot!

[Taylor]
What's going on here? Give me that phone. Repent, sinner! Repent!

[Man on Phone]
Now you drop dead, you nitwit!

[Congregant]
Amen!