Fruit o’ Ministry

[Dr. Edward Daniel Taylor]
Okay, friends, let's take a break and go to our Fruit o' Ministry tote board and check our total. The way the tote board works is this: We count up the number of souls that have been saved by this ministry and then subtract the number of souls that have been permanently hardened towards the Gospel by this ministry--which reduces the grand Fruit o' Ministry total! Tympani!

[Drum Roll]

[Taylor]
Souls saved: Eleven!

[Slide Whistle Up]

[Taylor]
Hearts irrevocably hardened: 153 million?!

[Slide Whistle Down]

[Taylor]
People! We got negative fruit here! Come on, I'm sure some of you people out there have testimonies.

[Congregant]
Amen!

[Taylor]
I know that most of you need to rededicate your lives. Now call, friends, call. Let's get the negative fruit total in the black. Come on, we need your help. Pick up that phone right now. Lie if you have to, but call! Now, as you go to the phones, we want you parents out there to get off your duff, go get your troubled, pimply-faced, long-haired, rebellious, and belligerent teenager, 'cause we have a surprise for them! Right now in our studios, live on our Up with Teens stage, we got a new "heavenly metal" band called The Sprinkler Head. Now, I'm not much, I must say I must be frank at this point, I'm not much for these obscenely tight rock pants, these girly hair extensions, and effeminate make-up. But if that's what it takes to sell these religious knicks-knacks to a new generation, we're willing to stoop--uh, I mean, go to any length to extend a hand of fellowship, painted fingernails and all.

[Congregant]
Amen!

[Taylor]
And now, folks, let's bring them on with a big Prickly Heat World Ministry "amen!": Here they are, the Sprinkler Heads.