Kids

I, uh... This abortion issue in the States is dividing the country right in half. You know? Even amongst my friends who are all highly intelligent. They're totally divided on the issue of abortion. Totally divided. Some of my friends think these pro-life people are just annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna have a consensus? I'm torn. I try and take the broad view and think of them as evil annoying fucks. Yeah, but I'm a diplomat. And a weaver. I'm Earl Weaver. I am the cloud.

You know what bugs me about abortion? Those people even- people that are pro-choice waffling on the idea of abortion. You know? Pro-choice people are like, 'We're not pro-abortion, we're pro-choice. We just don't the government has the right to tell us what we can or cannot do with our own bodies. We're not pro-abortion, we're pro-choice.' Hey, just say it! Just fucking say it! People suck, there's too many of 'em and they're easier to kill when they're fetuses than when they're grown up. Just say it! People suck! Sorry, the mask came off. Here, I'll put it back on.

See, America's all screwed up. American Airlines, American planes, they don't allow smoking but they allow children. Hey, let's be fair! I was on this flight from LA to New York. I'm asleep on the plane, right? All five seats were empty. Cool, I laid down, I go to sleep and I feel this tapping on my head. And I look up and there's this little kid loose on the fucking plane. He's just loose. This is his playground in the sky... and he's decided the funnest thing he could do is repetitively tap me on the top of the fucking head. The one person that wants nothing to do with the fucking kid. Everyone else, 'Come here, little boy! Come here, little kiddy! Oh yeah, you're so cute!' No! No! He comes right to me! (tapping noise) I look across the aisle at his mom. She's just smiling, you know? This guy next to the mom goes, 'They're so cute when they're that small! Huh huh huh...' Isn't that amazing? Just letting your kid run loose like that on a fucking plane? And the kid runs over to the emergency exit and he starts flipping that handle to the door. The guy next to the mom starts to get up and I go, (whispers) 'Wait a minute. We're about to learn an important lesson right here. (pop, whoosh) Boy, you're right. The smaller he gets, the cuter he is. Oh, I wish I had a camera right now... with a telescopic lens. Love to get the expression on his face when his pudgy little legs hit that farmhouse down there. Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here, can we smoke now? Fairly well-circulated.' True story. In these days and times, only the death of a child will amuse me.

I saw a lady today with a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash. How horrible! Put him in the pound where he belongs! 'Oh, you don't mean that, Bill!'

That's why my girlfriend and I broke up. She wanted kids and I'm like, 'No way.' She wanted kids. (laughs) I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, 'Wouldn't it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill and... a little, clean spirit, you know, innocent and to fill it with good ideas...' Yeah, yeah. How about this? If you're so fucking altruistic, why don't you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? 'K? It's a horrible act, childbirth. It's a nightmare. Bringing- I would never bring a child to this fucking planet.

Phew... I'm not usually doing shows at this hour. This is usually back when I'm in my room calling the States going, 'I don't know if I can go on. I don't know if they like me or they're laughing at me. I can't tell. They seem nice enough, but they stare. I- I... And I can't understand a word they say, yet we're all speaking English. I- I... They all sound like little birds tweeting to me.'