Ding Dong [Salvation]

So I'd like to start the show with a little song I wrote:

'Ding dong! Bush is dead! Bush is dead! Bush is dead!
Ding dong! Bush is dead! Bush is dead!
Da da ding dong! Bush is dead! Bush is dead! Bush is
Ding dong!'
Okay, yeah. Yeah, I haven't worked out the other bit. But 'Ding dong! Bush is dead!' is how I'm gonna close it though

Yeah. 12 years. All the comics in the US have been like a little pygmy tribe, man, shooting little darts into this rampaging beast elephant Republicanism, and finally, Tuesday night, it crashes to the fuckin' ground. (groans) (boom) So we all did our little pygmy dance

'Nanananananana, ding dong! Bush is dead! Bush is dead, Bush is dead! Ding dong!'

Then I rеalized, along with Bush, died half of my fuckin' act. Now...

'Ding dong! Bring him back! Bring him back! Bring him back!
Ding dong! They'rе fuckin' staring! Fuckin' staring! Help me! Help me!'

Nah, I can't be selfish. He's gone and it's good. People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. It's that I believed he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left. And it's weird. Politics does make for strange bedfellows, man. You know when the dust settles to see what side you're on, it's really odd. You know what I mean? I was reading in the paper on, uh, Tuesday, Wednesday after the election's over, and there's a quote from Saddam Hussein going, 'We have nothing against America. We just want to see George Bush beheaded and his head kicked down the road like a soccer ball.' I'm thinking, 'That's what I wanna see! Cool! Me and Hussein, we're like this, man! Saddam!' You know Hussein is just still laughing in some basement bunker somewhere when that fuckin' election came around and he lost, huh?

You know, that's what bugged me. Hussein's still in power, that's the crack-up of all time to me, you know? CIA has a plot to get rid of him. It's a plot they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem they're having is convincing Hussein, you know... to fly to Dallas. And uh, yeah, but... I think, once there, the plan is fairly, you know, we got it, it's pretty operable. 'Can't say Dallas doesn't love ya, Saddam!' (two gunshots)

But uh, see, you know what bugged me about the whole election was that, uh, they made it, you know, they've totally reduced us to this worship of money and that's what they made the whole election about was taxes. You know? Voting with your wallet. You know what I mean? People would say to me, 'Bill, you vote for Clinton, he's gonna raise your taxes. Okay? I mean, he'll tell you he's not. But he's gonna. A vote for Clinton is a vote for higher taxes, Bill.' See, I have news for you, folks. There's other reasons not to vote for George Bush than taxes, okay? I don't know what's happened to us as a world. Maybe 12 years of Republicanism has made us think this way. But the reason I didn't vote for George Bush is because George Bush, along with Ronald Reagan, presided over an administration whose policies towards South America included genocide. So, yeah, you see, the reason I didn't vote for him is 'cause he's a mass murderer! Yeah, I, yeah, okay, yeah... Yeah, I'll-- I'll pay that extra nickel on, you know, a liter of petrol, just knowing little brown kids aren't being clubbed to death like baby seals in Honduras so Pepsi can put a plant down there. I'll pay the extra nickel

I'm getting this fitted for my heart at any moment. You know? And Bush, looking horrible the last few days, was wonderful to watch. This little-- he was just whiny and little-- he looked terrible. He looked like Skeletor, man. For Halloween, they put a candle in the back of his throat and he went out as a jack-o'-lantern. But he's trying to buy votes, you know? He sells 164 fighter jets to South Korea. He sells 240 tanks to Kuwait. And then he has these speeches where he goes, 'We still live in a dangerous world.' Thanks to you! Fuck, before that, Kuwait had rocks, man! 'Thank you, papi!'

He authorizes the production of more stealth bombers. The invisible fighter jet. I guess to help us defend ourselves against the invisible countries that threaten us every fuckin' day, to be named later. And I'm looking around the globe, there's no one that can threaten America ever again. It's over. We know Russia was a fuckin' lie anyway. There's nothing there. There's nothing anywhere. How does it feel to find out we are the evil empire? There's no one who can threaten us, man, and I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first, okay? So if you wanna argue on that level, you have a point. We keep arming these little countries and then going and blowing the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the globe. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet

‘Pick it up.’
‘I don’t wanna pick it up. You’ll shoot me.’
‘Pick up the gun.’
‘I don’t want no trouble, mister. I just came into town to get some hard-rock candy for the kids and some gingham for my wife. Let me get back to my sheep farm, mister. I don’t want no trouble.’
‘Pick up the gun. (three gunshots) You all saw him: he had a gun.’

'America.' That was my little Western skit. I was there! I was in the saloon! Oh!

You know? Find out Bush has sold weapons to Iraq since '86. Some of your fuckers have been selling weapons to 'em too, huh? That's what bugged me about Bush, man. This whole thing about him being the foreign policy expert. You know what I mean? 'Well, you know, when it comes to foreign policy, George Bush is the man I trust! He's got the, you know, experience and the... look at the coalition against Iraq. Incredible! Incredible, that huge coalition, that giant coalition that included... England!' Yeah, that has must have been hard. The two predominantly white nations going and blowing the shit out of this little brown nation. What a hard sell that must have been for John Major, huh?

'John, George Bush. How are ya? Good. We have a disgruntled mass that's getting really bored here. How about a little fireworks?'
'Well, let's go through the Rolodex.'
'Nope, Noriega, got him. Oh, here's one. Saddam Hussein. That'll look good. Let's go kill some sand niggers, yeah?'
'Brilliant, brilliant. We'll be there. Right, right. We'll be there. Brilliant. Yes, we've already armed them too, it's brilliant. You know exactly what we're up against. Brilliant!'

What a huge coalition it was, you know?
'Oh, but France had a couple of planes in there.'
Yeah, yeah, we told 'em, 'Put a couple planes in or Mickey Mouse leaves the country.' (makes plane sound) (explosion)
'Alright, let's get back in line for the rollercoaster. We have done our duty.'

Selling weapons since '86 to Iraq. And I wondered about that during the Persian Gulf War, those intelligence reports before it all started
'Oh, Iraq? They have incredible weapons. Incredible weapons.'
'How do you know that?'
'Well... we looked at the receipt. But as soon as that check clears, we're going in! What time's the bank open? Eight? We're going in at nine! For God and country and... here's a flag, whatever symbol y'all need. Let's go! Come on, we're killing sand niggers. Let's go!'

'He's a Hitler! He's a Hitler! Saddam Hussein is a Hitler!'
What does that make you, Goebbels? Quit arming him!
'He's a Hitler!' He was your friend last week. 'He's a Hitler now.'
Trying to motivate people, you know? It's unbelievable how they got on. People are just like, 'He's a Hitler. Yeah, Bush, get real, man.'
'You like dogs, don't ya?' 'Yeah, we love dogs.'
'Well, we have an intelligence report that says here Saddam Hussein likes to fuck dogs in the ass and then take their spine out and use it as a toothpick.'
'You're shitting me. Let's go kill this guy! I had no idea he was that much of a maniac.' 'This is for Rover!' (gunshot)
'Yeah, that's what the intelligence reports say. He's a Hitler and he fucks dogs. Mm-hmm.'
I don't know. You sure that's true?
'You like kittens?' 'Yeah, I like kittens. They're cute.'
'He boils 'em and eats 'em.'
'Fucker! This is for Fluffy!' (three gunshots)