Keep It Gay

[MAX, spoken]
Listen, Roger, did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler?

[ROGER, spoken]
Read it? I devoured it. I for one, for instance never realized that the Third Reich... meant Germany

[MAX, spoken]
Yeah. How about that? Then you'll do it?

[ROGER, spoken]
Do it? Of course not

(sung)
The theater's so obsessed
With drama so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
What's the word?

[LEO, spoken]
Gay?

[ROGER, spoken]
Exactly

(sung)
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay
Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain, keep it gay

[CARMEN]
People want laughter when they see a show
The last thing they're after is a litany of woe

[BOTH]
A happy ending will pep up your play

[ROGER]
Oedipus won't bomb

[CARMEN]
If he winds up with mom!

[ROGER]
Keep it gay

[CARMEN]
Keep it gay

[BOTH]
Keep it gay

[MAX, spoken]
Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Roger, to make Springtime for Hitler just as "gay" as anyone could possibly want. So come on, do it for us, please!

[ROGER, spoken]
No, I'm sorry, Max, but it's simply not my cup of tea. But still, fair is fair. Perhaps I should ask my production team what they think. This is my set designer, Brian

[Brian enters in a leather masochism outfit.]

[BRIAN]
Keep it glad
Keep it mad
Keep it gay

[ROGER, spoken]
And here's my costume designer, Kevin

[Kevin, a twinkish man, enters.]

[KEVIN]
Hello!
Keep it happy
Keep it snappy
Keep it gay

[BRIAN, KEVIN]
We're clever, creative
It's our job to see
That everything's perfect
For Mr. DeBris

[ROGER, spoken]
Next, Scott, my choreographer

Scott, in a skintight leotard, with an erection, dances into the room.}

[SCOTT]
Hi there!

[[ROGER, spoken]
And ah, finally... last, and least, my lighting designer Shirley Markowitz

[Finally, Shirley, a butch lesbian, enters.]

[SHIRLEY]
Keep it gay
Keep it gay
Keep it gay

[Leo pulls Max aside.]

[LEO, spoken]
I don't think we're getting to them. What should we do now, Max?

[MAX, spoken]
Watch this: Roger, listen. I think that Springtime for Hitler would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean up to now, you've always been associated with frivolous musicals

[ROGER, spoken]
Oh, you're right. I've often felt as though I've been throwing my life away on silly entertainments. Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns. Two, three, kick, turn! Turn, turn, kick, turn!

[CARMEN, spoken]
Oh, Roger

[ROGER, spoken]
Oh, it's enough to make you heave. Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max. I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler

[MAX, spoken]
Why not? Think of the prestige

[ROGER, spoken]
No!

[MAX, spoken]
Think of the respect!

[ROGER, spoken]
No, no, no!

[MAX, spoken]
Think of... the Tony!

[PRODUCTION TEAM]
Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony!

[ROGER]
Ngaaaaaahhhhh!

[MAX, spoken]
What's the matter?

{LEO, spoken]
Is he all right?

[CARMEN, spoken]
He's having a stroke...

[MAX, spoken]
What?

[CARMEN, spoken]
...Of genius!

[ROGER, spoken]
I see it! I see it! At last, the chance to do something important!

[CARMEN]
Roger DeBris presents history!

[ROGER, spoken]
Of course, that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me?! It's too downbeat!

[CARMEN]
Roger DeBris presents history!

[ROGER, spoken]
But maybe... ooh, it's a wild idea, but it just might work...

(sung)
I see a line of beautiful girls
Dressed as stormtroopers, each one a gem
With leather boots and whips on their hips
It's risque, dare I say, S&M!

[OTHERS, spoken]
Love it!

[ROGER]
I see German soldiers dancing through France
Played by chorus boys in very tight pants
And wait, there's more! They win the war!
And the dances they do will be daring and new
Turn, turn, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn
One, two, three, kick, turn!
Keep it sassy
Keep it classy
Keep it... ha ha ha!

[MAX, spoken]
That is brilliant! Brilliant! Roger, I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself when I say that you are the only man in the world who can do justice to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please?

[LEO, spoken]
Please!

[ROGER, spoken]
Wait a minute! This is a very big decision! It might affect the course of my entire life! I shall have to think about it... I'll do it!

(sung)
I'll do it!
Sabu, champagne!

[PRODUCTION TEAM]
If at the end you want them to cheer
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay

[CARMEN]
Comedy's joyous, a constant delight
Dramas annoy us...

[ROGER, CARMEN]
...and ruin our night

[PRODUCTION TEAM]
So keep your Strindbergs and Ibsens at bay

[ROGER]
I'll sign

[KEVIN]
Sign

[BRIAN]
Sign

[SCOTT]
Sign

[CARMEN]
Sign

[SHIRLEY]
Sign

[MAX & LEO]
Sign!

[ROGER, spoken]
Roger Elizabeth De Bris!

[ALL]
Keep it gay!

*Tag*

[ALL]
La la la la la la la la la
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
La la la la la la la la la
Keep it-

[CARMEN,spoken]
Conga!

[ALL]
La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la

And so the rule is when mounting a play
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay