Journey Round the World

[Boothby Graffoe, spoken]
So this is a journey round the world, right?
Where do you wanna start off?

[Audience, spoken]
Spain!

Spain! No! Let's start off in Scotland
Nick and I met in Scotland
So it's a good place to start, I think
You up for Scotland? Give it a go

[Violin solo with Scottish themeing]

Don't wanna stay there for too long, obviously
It can be a very aggressive place

Whoooooo!

See?
Not many people in the world would bring their own
Rollercoasters to a gig
Are you Scottish, madam?
Psh! Clearly!
Can be-- I've been in pubs in Scotland
Trying to avoid being beaten up by pretending to be Scottish
"Whadda ye wanna drink?"
"Mm! Lager! Eh, lager, ye
Aye, ne glass, just throw it in ma face
That'll be fine, aye aye
Mind ya gеt it in ma eyes"

And you understand thе antipathy of the Scottish towards the English
When you realize there's more nuclear power stations in Scotland
Than in the rest of the British Isles put together!
How rude!
"Where shall we put the nuclear power stations?"
"Well, I don't know, the Scots are quite robust"

But they don't call them nuclear power stations anymore
They call them power stations
That's clever, isn't it?
"Nuclear power? Oh no!
Power! Oh!
How's it working?" "Oh, it's technical.
Don't worry about that! Look!
Click! Light! Ahhhh!"
"How's it working?" "Don't worry about that! Look at--
Look at this lovely four-bedroom house
Just five pounds, come on
Fully-fitted kitchen!"
"Has it got a microwave?" "Doesn't need one
Come in, come in"

Any Irish here tonight? No Irish?
Ay! North or South?
Well, fair enough, it's all yours
Let's go to Ireland!

[Violin solo with Irish themeing]

Just hurts!
Such a painful experience!
Why do they do that?

My favorite bit of Ireland is when you travel
From Northern Ireland to Southern Ireland
You pass over the border
And there's no border crossing
It's just a road
And a sign saying "You're now entering Southern Ireland"
And you could be doing 70 miles an hour as you pass it
And the sign says "You're now entering Southern Ireland
Please drive on the left!" "AAAA!
I am driving on the left!"
There's Irish people behind a tree going
"Hee hee hee hee hee hee!
That's another one we got! Haha!"

It's a lovely accent, isn't it? "Hello!"
You can't do the Southern Irish accent
Unless you're smiling!
Must be hard to be fed up about anything if you're Irish
You alright, mate?
"No, I've had a terrible day
It's all gone wrong for me
I'm away home to top meself"

Of course, the famous Irish IRA
Have been eclipsed now by Al-Qaeda
You know, they've taken all the press
I mean, the IRA did try and rebrand themselves
By calling themselves the Real IRA
I thought it was interesting
Didn't work
What's next? New Improved IRA?
Eh... Best IRA Yet!
I Can't Believe It's Not Beirut!

Okay, name a country and we'll go there!

London!

Somebody shouted out "Japan" there
Let's do Japan
Japan? Let's go to Japan! Japan!

[Flip phone ringtone played on violin]

Hi there, how're you doing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, great!
Well, well, good afternoon
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Well, I was just calling, yeah, yeah
The entire show's sold out, yeah
I've had forty people come, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, no, what? Yeah, hello?
Yeah? Yeah? Hello? Oh, he's gone

Ah, I bought my grandmother a mobile phone
She's had a hip replacement operation
She's had it replaced with a corner cupboard
Something to keep her knickknacks
It's a good idea, I think
But she can't get up and down out of the chair
To get to the landline
So I bought her a mobile phone
Little Bluetooth headset on an 84-year-old woman
It looks very funny

And I send her text messages and stuff, you know
And I didn't realize
I only found out a couple of weeks ago
But it happened before that
I texted my granny
And I sent it to her landline by mistake
And I didn't realize that now, if you do that
A robotic voice reads out your message

So the text I sent her was
"We're coming to get you now, Grandmother"
So the phone rang, she picked it up
And a voice said "We're coming to get you now, Grandmother"
Well, it took ages to find her
I don't even know how she got in the airing cupboard
Let alone behind the boiler
She was wearing a puffer jacket so she blended in
I mean, she's really given it some thought

It's great fun texting landlines, though
I do it to a friend of mine all the time
I send him messages
The same message, every time, is
"The robot people are taking over the Earth
Surrender now, puny puny Earth man"
"The robot people are taking over the Earth
Surrender now, puny puny Earth man"

And if you put the same word in over and over again
The machine becomes confused about how to pronounce it
I put "puny" in thirteen times once
It came out "Surrender now puny puny puny
Puny puny punyny puny puny puny
Puny puny puny Earth man"
And one time I texted him
"You will never defeat us"
And he came round my house and said
"Come and listen to the message"
I said "Well, I know what it says, I sent it"
And he says "No, come and listen to it"
And honestly, it says
"You will never defeat U S"
Kinda scary

Another country!

Kazakhstan!

Kazakhstan?

[Rapidly strums guitar]

Russia!
Iraq!

Iraq?

[Rapidly strums high notes on guitar]

Russia? Don't rush 'er, madam
Leave 'er to 'er own speed
Go on, somewhere else!

India!

India!

[Violin and guitar interlude with Indian themeing]

Four hours later

You on elastic?
One more!

Greece next!

Where? Greece, Greece, let's go to Greece!
You wanna go to Greece? Let's go to Greece!

[Violin and guitar interlude: intro to "Summer Nights" from Grease]

Oh, sod off! You couldn't think of it!
What about America? Let's go to America

Oh yeah!
Mister President!

[Violin solo: Muppet Show theme song]

Harsh but fair
The man's a loony
I used to think George Bush said stupid things
And I finally worked it out
He doesn't, he doesn't write his own speeches
So he doesn't say stupid things
He reads them out
So the question is, who's writing the speeches?
Is it just two stoned blokes from Deptford, having a laugh?
Backstage going "Ya, ya, he'll never say that!"
"He will, he will!"
"We're going to Mars!"
"We're going to Mars!"
"He said it!" "I know, he'll say anything you put down!
The giraffe people are taking over the Earth!"
"The giraffe people are taking over the Earth!"
"He's brilliant, isn't he?"

First people George Bush ever attacked? Afghanistan
Second people he attacked? Baghdad
Now he's going for Colombia and the cocoaine cartels
See the pattern?
Afghanistan, Baghdad, Colombia?
He's doing it alphabetically!
Denmark's next!
Then England, then France, then Germany
Maybe -- CDFGH -- Hungary, Italy
Jamaica, Kazakhstan
That's why that bloke in Zimbabwe's being such a cunt
He knows it's gonna be ages before he gets to him!
"Shouldn't we temper our politics?"
"No, there are many countries before he reaches
Zimbabwe! Ha ha ha ha!
He must find a country beginning with X! Ha ha ha!"

First of all, I'm not sure George Bush
Can pronounce "Zimbabwe"
It's hard to attack a country if you can't say its name
Isn't it?
"What's the plan, Mr. President?"
"Attack Zimmy-bam-wham!
Aight? Moo-zum-bamu and Zimmy-bam-a-wham-zam!
Zam-za-bee-bam-za-wibby! Mam-bu-bu-za-bamby-bamby!
Attack Bambi, goddammit
Tiny weird woodland creature, never liked him
Mozambique? No, fuck, leave them alone
Mu-za-mam-wam-zibba-bam-wham-a-zimma
I can't say the name of the country!
What's the leader called? Okay
Attack Rubba-magugi-gum-gagay-go-gumnagay!
We're going to Mars!"