Jolly Captain

There once was an old captain who wished nothing more
Than to live again his voyages and walk by the seashore
A simple man, and a good man, but the bane of his life
Was his ill-tempered, bad-hearted bitch of a wife
Though the jolly captain was plagued by her bile
He smoked his long pipe and he smiled upon her tenderly
He didn't like her much, but he'd loved her, despite her rough tongue
The whey-faced old nag-bag had been his pretty darling once

She fell down her staircase, she fractured her neck
She lay upon the linoleum in a black apoplexy
Her baleful eyes bulged with unspeakable abuse
It seems that her spleen had been overproducing
So the jolly captain carried her to bed
Close your poor eyes, he said, sleep a little peaceably
He brought her fresh butter and cool watercress
Violet and peppermint to soothe her heart's bitterness

From her death bed she said, if you marry when I die
I'll crawl from my coffin to haunt you vexatiously
With a howl and a scowl, with a shudder and a shake
She spat out her peppermint and went to vex her maker
Unhappy captain, so sad when she died
He closed her wild eyes and he cried a bit on the Friday
But he saw no good reason for wasting away
So he married an apple-cheeked girl on the Saturday

Alas, jolly captain, you're married too soon
She'll come to torment you from underneath her tombstone
She'll scratch and she'll claw her way up from the grave
Hacking her way back again with furious fingernails
No, said the jolly captain, she'll stay in her place
She can scratch, she can scrape, till she's black in the face
No, she won't come to haunt me and taunt me, I know
'Cause I buried her face downward, she's a long way to go
No, she won't come to haunt me and taunt me, I know
'Cause I buried her face downward, she's a long way to go