Jerkin’ Around

[Spoken Intro]

I dunno, I get the feeling that some people, in order to have a good time, they need, uh, cigarettes or alcohol or something like that to get 'em going, and, uh, I don't really need any of those things, y'know? Just a couple of my friends, and a piano, and a spoon of smack, so, uh...

[Song]

I read the front page headlines this morning
There was a study with bad news to tell
Suddenly all of life's favorite pastimes
Hobbies and pleasures are bad for your health

Coffee's addictive
Wine makes you sterile
Fat makes your heart stop
Sex even kills
One box of popcorn could wipe out a family
Well, so much for all of life's favorite thrills

But this is the good part
One of these pastimes
Formerly chided and ridden with shame
Studies have shown that despite all the hoopla
Affects from this vice are surprisingly tame

It has many a name

Choking the chicken
Beating the bishop
Pumping the python
Jerkin' around
Flogging the donkey
Jerkin' the gherkin
Milking the mango
And punching the clown

An apple a day keeps the doctor away
But it also has insecticides that cause carcinoma
And garlic, they say, for your health's a good play
But if you eat too much it gives your breath a foul aroma
And my favorite pastime alleviates stress
And helps develop right-hand coordination
It's more entertaining than a good game of chess
And heck it even helps control the population

There's a saying old
Says it makes you blind
But that was all a myth
Recent studies find
So I think I'm gonna do it all the time

Shuffling the knuckle
Pounding the porpoise
Dropping the boys off
Pressing the flesh
Punching the munchkin
Burping the bald man
Twanging the turkey
And meeting the press
Hanging with Rosie and her five sisters
Spanking the monkey
Pounding the meat

Jack it, smack it, whip it out and whack it
The thing we couldn't do without
That no one ever talks about

Choking the chicken
And beating the bishop
And pumping the python
And jerkin' the gherkin
And spanking the monkey
And fisting the mister
And taming the lion
And crowning the king

Or just plain jerkin' around
My palms are hairy
Just plain jerkin' around
Living off the fat of the hand
Or just plain jerkin' around