I’ll Be Your Everything

[Spoken Intro]

Thank you very much. This next song is a song I wrote for a girl actually... It's kind of a funny story really, 'cos when I first met her she didn't speak a word of English, and um, I didn't speak, uh, y'know, whatever language that she spoke. But, uh, the sex was tremendous. Anyway this is a song that I wrote for her on her thirteenth birthday

[Song]

I'll be your everything
I'll be your knight in shining armor
If you want me to
I'll be there for you
If you let me be your everything

I'll be your partner
I'll laugh when you tell jokes that aren't that funny
Just like Kathy Lee

I'll be your hero
I'll save you when you're drowning in the sea
Like David Hassellhoff

I'll be your Baywatch
I'll fight for you
I'll be your Larry H. Parker
I'll get you 2.1 million
Or even remove negative items from your credit report

And if someone steals your heart
I'll be your LoJack, or your club
And if you've fallen and you can't get up
Or you think you're having a heart attack
I'll be there

I'll be your Oprah
Your Donahue, Montel, Geraldo, Jenny Jones
Maury Pauvich, Sally Jessy Raphael
Marilu Hanner
Ricky Lake
Jerry Springer
Richard Bey
Tempestt Bledsoe, Carnie Wilson, Charles Perez
Gabrielle Carteris, Mark Wahlberg, Rolonda Watts, and Leeza Gibbons
And Rosie O'Donnell

And when there's white supremacists
And when there's pimps and whores
I'll give 'em hell
And when there's fat people I'll cry with Richard Simmons

I'll help you stop the insanity
I'll be your Chia Pet
I'll be your Clapper, I'll clap for you
I'll be your ThighMaster
And I'll be your psychic friend
And I won't just be a client
But I'll be the president

I'll be there for you
If you let me be your everything
Everything
Everything