Independence!

[FATHER, spoken]
Get excited everyone because here we are!
The place where our great trail begins!

[KIDS, spoken]
Where's that, dad?

[CITIZEN]
You're in Independence!

Welcome to
The city so pleasing
That everyone's leaving
Fuck it, go west

Watch your backs
The city is bustlin'
With all kinds of hustlin'
And grit, go west

For Independence
Here are just a few things you should know:

Stay on the trail or you might get lost
Don't pay the toll, not worth the cost
Marry rich so ya don't die poor
A bankers' best, but ya might die bored
And independent

[FATHER, spoken]
Take a gander, kids! Independence, Missouri

[CITIZEN, spoken]
Hi! I've got dysentery! You will too unless you stop to rest frequently. My wife and kids all died
But if I pull through, I'll travel at a steady pace from now on

[SON, spoken]
What's dysentery, dad?

[FATHER, spoken]
Nothing we'll ever have to worry about, son

[CITIZEN, spoken]
Don't push your ox too hard, drive it too fast and you'll end up at the lame-footed animals. Then you'll have to kill them

[SON, spoken]
I don't ever wanna kill an animal, dad

[FATHER, spoken]
You won't have to, son

[CITIZEN, spoken]
Did you know that the first stop on the trail, Fort Kearney was built by the U.S. Army to protect those bound for Oregon?

[GRANDPA, spoken]
I did know that!

[FATHER, spoken]
Ah, thanks for the advice and facts. See kids?
Not only is the trail to Oregon fun... It's also fun and edu-ma-cational

[CITIZEN. sung]
There's lots to learn
Which kid is your favorite?
Not all of them make it
Of course, sinkholes

A nine-month dirge
Every marriage is tested
Thank God they invented
Divorce, trending

In Independence
Here's a piece of free advice for you:

Before you go the General Store
Has all you need and plenty more
For your I-N-D-E-pendence

[GENERAL STORE GUY, spoken]
Hi! Welcome to the general store, I can fix you up with what you need: food, clothes, we even got a sale on wagon tongues- whatever the hell those are

[FATHER, spoken]
Actually sir, we're doing this trip on a budget

[GENERAL STORE GUY, spoken]:
You know what? I like you, so let me tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna give you one wagon for the price of two, not a penny less!
And for an extra fifty bucks, I'm gonna throw in an ox... for free!

[FATHER, spoken]
A free ox! Oh boy!

[GENERAL STORE GUY, sung]
We're all friends
There's no war a-brewing
No one's abusing
Their rights to own an

[OX]
Ox like me!

[GENERAL STORE GUY]
You'll need a full yolk

[OX]
Their love and care is no joke

[GENERAL STORE GUY]
It's a job of your love

[OX]
Independent!

[GENERAL STORE GUY, spoken]
I pride myself on being a very good ox owner, our love is perfectly normal

[OX, spoken]
Moo!

[GENRAL STORE GUY, sung]
Here are just a few rules to live by

[FATHER]
For your independence!

[GENRAL STORE GUY]
Don't say sorry to your Indian guide
They're not prepared for genocide
You might die of cholera and you might die of pain
But that's okay 'cause you'll probably get laid

By your mom and dad and little kids too
'Cause you all have to share the same bedroom
Use your kids as tourniquets
'Cause they won't help when you're bit

By a bear!
Or a snake!
Mother Nature's really great

When you're out there on the Oregon Trail
Feels like you are going to fail
But don't give up too soon
The world is your saloon

[DAUGHTER, spoken]
Um, Mom, I don't mean to be a buzz-kill but do you ever get the idea that maybe this trip isn't gonna be as fun or "edu-ma-cational" as dad says?
Like maybe you might die or grandpa or dad?

[MOTHER, spoken]
Well, if grandpa dies, that's just God's will. Trust me, kids

(sung)
There's a place for us
In a house out west
It's Oregon or bust
To save the family crest

That's the promise of the valley
Leave all this behind
Lord have mercy on my soul
As I try to lead the blind!

Chin up kids
Your family's united

[DAUGHTER]
I guess I'm excited...

[GRANDPA, spoken]
Oh, I'm so excited I pooped myself!

[MOTHER, sung]
Let's go where
The gold rush is soaring

[MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SON, AND GRANDPA]
Let's go exploring
Our independence!

[CITIZEN AND FATHER]
Be prepared to take your life
With an arrow or a hunting knife
Stop and see Fort Laramie
There's nothin' to see, but you'll have to pee

Do you understand 'cause you look confused
Take a look at scenic mountain views
Stay away from Old Man Bridger
When he's drunk he'll take your liver
Life is not a petting zoo
Or you'll get ripped in two

By a

[ALL]
Bear!
Or a snake!
Mother Nature's really great

Staying alive can be lots of fun
Be sure you have a loaded gun
Something will go wrong
The list is far too long

Declare your independence
Declare your independence
Declare your independence
Declare your

[CITIZEN]
I!

[DAUGHTER]
N!

[MOTHER]
D!

[SON]
E!

[GRANDPA]
P!

[FATHER]
E!

[CITIZEN]
N!

[DAUGHTER]
D!

[ALL]
ENCE!

Diphtheria, leukemia, onomatopoeia
All the same 'cause it gives you diarrhea
Runaway thieves are on the lamb
Leave them up to Uncle Sam

Don't stress
Take a breath
It might just be your last!

[CITIZEN, SPOKEN]
Friends don't let friends ford the river...
Take a ferry!

[ALL]
For your I-N-D-E-pendence

[FAMILY]
Time to hit the road!