I Love Mexicans

See, I write, beautiful music
I just composed a love song called "I Love You, Darling
If you never have any cash money in your pocketbook during your entire life in this world
But I won't be with you, darling, if you never have any cash money in your pocketbook during your entire life in this world or anywhere else you might go with nothing
'Cause I don't need nobody helping me do bad
I can starve to death by myself, sugar
So try and forget me, but always remember that I love you more than any woman I've ever known in my life
'Cause that night I went up to your house and got drunk and fell out on the couch and went to sleep
You didn't mess with none of the money that was left in my wallet 'cause you must have known deep down in your heart
If I'da came to and found some of my hard-earned money gone
I'da went home and got a two-by-four that I've been soaking in motor oil since 1940
And I'da came back searching for you
And if I found you anywhere on Earth with any portions of my money in your bag
I woulda took my greasy two-by-four—knowing it wouldn't break, bend or splinter—and try to cave your skull in with it Bossa Nova"
Good night

Come on out the toilet, brother, the show's on
Leave your lady sitting up here like this, somebody to hit on her
She's pretty—I hate pretty women
Pretty women are like postage stamps—you got to lick 'em before you stick 'em
Look at the girls laughing
Here's something for the fellas: What's better than a tiger in your tank?
Lipstick on your dipstick
Da-da-da, ba-ba-bum—what ya know, brother?
Alright, glad ya got back
Goddamn, we was wondering if you were gon' ever show up
Had a line in the toilet, too, huh?
You meet nice people in the toilet
No kiddin', Carl Stokes—thank you
Carl Stokes, the Black mayor of Cleveland was in the White House when the Johnson Administration was still in office
And he was standing there in the toilet
And President Johnson walked in and stood beside him
And being quite a bit taller than Carl, the president looked down at Carl
Said, "Carl, I wanna commend you on the wonderful job you're doing down there in, uh, in, er, uh..."
He said, "Goddamn, fellow American, how'd you get something like that?"
Carl Stokes said, "Mr. President, just before I have sex, I beat it on the bedpost four times"
President Johnson said, "Well, hell, I'ma try that tonight when I get home"
President got home, took a shower, walks in the bedroom, beat it on the bedpost four times
Lady Bird woke up, she said, "Is that you, Carl?"

I had fun in Japan
I had so much fun, I hope we fight 'em again
I had fun, I was a hero
I didn't wanna mention it but it's documented
Redd Foxx: hero
Who do you think they named the foxhole after, Hoover? Agnew?
You ever hear of a soldier laying in a Spiro-hole?
The foxhole—I was begging 'em, I said, "Don't name no hole after me
Name a bridge or a dam or something, a cookie, a brook, anything but a hole
Shit, I don't want no hole
I said, "Name the hole after someone else, someone important, someone we can look up to and give us fighting spirit"
I said, "What about Truman? Call it a Harry S. hole"
I ain't fightin' nobody no more, no more war for Zorro
I detest violence, I wouldn't smack a cripple sissy
I hate all that shooting and digging in the ground and hiding behind trees and concrete walls and stuff
That ain't for me--and that bad food
Then they sneak some stuff in your coffee when you go in the service called Soft Richard
I drank that stuff in 1941 and 1945, you know it's just now starting to work
You know, you might as well have some fun outta life
Tonight, we have soldiers in Vietnam
I was wounded in World War II, Newark, New Jersey
Shot coming out the drugstore with an arm full of stuff
Then I went into the service
I'll never forget one battle I was in
I backed up so far, I bumped into a general
He said, "Why are you running?"
I said, "I'm running because I cannot fly"
How'd he get to be general asking ol' dumb stuff like that?
"Why are you kneeling behind that concrete wall?"
Oh, so it's a hand grenade and not donuts
Ah, war is hell—examination is worse than the fighting
It's embarrassing to stand before a bunch of guys buck naked
And if you're not built well, you'll blush—I turned beige
We were lined up in a long straight line, 50, 60 fellas, far as you could see
Naked men with their clothes on the floor
Somebody once said "All men are created equal"—forget that
Some of them guys were ruined
Guy standing right next to me, I said, "Pardon me, pal, you ever been around Long Beach?"
I said, "Gee whiz, if I was you, I could rule the world"
He said, "That ain't mine, it belongs to the guy behind me"
Were you in the service, sir? (Yeah) What branch? (Navy)
Navy? My brother Alice was in the Navy
He tripped on a water bucket and got his head caught in a porthole, made 2,748 dollars
I don't know how much he made on the outside
But, that's war—W-H-O-R—wait a minute, I never could spell
In school, I used to miss words like "posse"—but I was close
Three out of five ain't bad
They had a lady sheriff in Texas—had the biggest posse America's ever known
Big mean looking posse
You've seen 'em, maybe you rode in one
The West was won with those type of people
Cowboy rode into Tombstone territory in 1884, tied his horse outside the saloon, went inside and had 27 shots of Red Eye
He was drunk and his friends saw how drunk he was, so they sneaked outside to play a little trick on him
They took the saddle off his horse and turned it around the other way
And they saw him the next night and said, "Slim, you got pretty drunk here last night"
Slim said, "I sure did, I went outside and found out somebody had cut my horse's head off
The only way I could get him home was stick my finger in his windpipe"

Last week a guy wrote in a magazine:
"Black prostitutes are filling the streets of America"
That causes more people to go home and put people,
"Yeah, them old Black prostitutes filling the streets of America"
Well, if it's true that Black prostitutes are filling the streets of America, it's because there's so many hundred-dollar white tricks in the streets of America
See, there's a reason for everything
Get rid of them hundred-dollar white tricks
And our girls'll come on home and take five like they used to
I ain't told nothin' but the truth
Black stuff is so high, I ain't had none since '54
I've been going with an Eskimo broad
I like to watch her chew that blubber
"Ooh, go on, baby, chew, chew, baby, chew"
Two girls of color went to Las Vegas fifteen years ago
Just wanted to spend a weekend, and they knew the hotel's were prejudiced
So they stood outside one of the big hotels to see who else went inside
So, finally an old Indian couple walked in, and they didn't come back out
So the two girls of color walked inside, said "This hotel must be cool"
They walked over to the desk clerk, said, "We'd like a room for two for the weekend"
Desk clerk said, "Are you Navajos?"
Girl said, "Naw, man, we're San Diego hoes, give us a room"

It's a kid, came home from school two hours late
The mother said, "Where you been, honey?"
He said, "Mother, they had sex education at school with live models and kept us late"
She said, "Boy, you lie every day about something, so you go up to your room, don't you come down 'til your father comes home"
Father came home a few hours later, mother told the father kid was two hours late from school 'cause they had sex education with live models
Mother told the dad, she said, "Honey, I want you to go talk to that boy, something wrong with him on your side of the family"
Father went upstairs, opened the kid's room door, walked inside, kid was sitting on the side of the bed, beating his meat
Father said, "Boy, when you finish your homework, I wanna talk to you"
Haha, go ahead and laugh, youngster, goddamnit
You wait 30 years, you go in the toilet, stay a half-hour, she'll think you left her
There's an old cat went to the toilet here celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary here at the club one night
And he was coming back from the toilet, his wife looked up, she said, "John, your fly is open"
He said, "Well, if it won't get up it sure ain't gon' get out"
That's for sure, hahaha
I love your sweater with the stripes in it
My brother got a whole suit like that
How you folks feel? Give 'em a nice spot over there, somewhere, help 'em integrate
A lot of people never meet people and learn to know 'em, just hear a lot of shit
Years ago—no, and hear—that's what causes all our stuff, just hearing something about people
Black people are fantastic, but you never hear about 'em
A Black scientist crossed some peanut butter with a mule
Got a sandwich with long ears and a piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth
Never hear about him—keep his invention a secret
Something I've always wanted, a sandwich with long ears, 'cause I had the other already, hahaha

What that mean 'cause you got a few bucks now?
Think back—goddamn, I don't wanna think back
My family was so poor, Christmas of 1930, I saw a cockroach pull a switchblade on a rat and take his cheese

Let me do a couple of my things from my album
My latest album, I want you to know, is dedicated to the pilgrims
Ladies and gentlemen, whatever, you know, we believe in, we can never forget the pilgrims
If the pilgrims just came to America and shot wildcats instead of turkeys
We'd be eating pussy on Thanksgiving
I'm sure glad they shot turkeys, 'cause I don't think I could hold out 'til Thanksgiving
It's 21 minutes after 1 now?
Here's a trick—no, darling, sit down, I mean this kind
I didn't catch you right, it's supposed to catch you right on the court
I get it—see, I missed it the first time on purpose, it's my wife's idea
She said, "Listen Foxx, make it look hard"
So all this week I've been trying to make it look hard for my old lady
Good evening, little ladies. How are you, sir? How are you, fella?
Tell your buddy there to try to put on something a little lighter and dress for traffic
I damn near missed him
If it's anything I hate on earth it's to see a Black woman in basic black and pearls trying to keep up with white people
You'll get killed out there, goddamn it, you better put some colors on your Black ass
Truck driver run over you and get away free
All he gotta do is tell the judge, "Judge, I thought the pearls were floating in the air"
Goddamn imitators
Put on something colorful, carefree, gay—like my brother
My brother Alice was a stripper (Your brother Alice?)
Hahaha, yeah, that's what I said
I worked with a stripper in San Francisco a year ago, I'll never forget the broad
'Cause she could dance and she was so smooth
And shoomp, shoomp, whop, pop, crunch
She could dance—she used to take off everything she had
Took off every garment she had on her body and then did a split down to the floor—slush
And one night I spilled my drink on stage, and the fella didn't mop it up to well
And when she went into her split, she lost her balance
And she hit the floor so hard, took us two hours and 18 minutes to break the suction
You shoulda heard the round of applause that girl got when she said, "POW!"
She got a standing ovation
I had a good hoe, had one leg—one leg and a humpback
People used to love to freak with her
Squeeze that hump and throw that one leg out the way
What's a hump? Hell, when you're in love you don't see no flaws
It was a big hump, though—heh heh heh
I thought she had stole a watermelon
But, tell the truth, what is a hump?
Somebody gotta go with them humpback broads
When I first met her, I thought she was going hiking
I picked her up off the grass and said, "Please, Pauline, let me put your pack on the porch"
But, like I say, someone got to go with those humpback broads
We cannot afford to have America full of hot humpback broads
What if they formed a pack like wolves?
You imagine a pack of hot humpback broads chasing you down Western?
Man, you better hope your zipper's rusty
I hope I haven't offended anyone here
I didn't come here to offend, just to perform as an adult
And I think I did that
And if anyone here was offended, it's because you stayed
There's no safety belt on your seat
If you didn't like the show, you coulda did like the shepherd, got the flock out
If you stayed and you were offended, I don't give a shit and don't come see me no more
Good night and thank you very much, love you

[Cheers and applause]