I Hate Your Blog

I hate your blog
It’s incredibly
Terrible and bad

[Verse 1: M.C. Frontalot]
I hate your blog. You own a dog, and you feed it
You post about it. I get to read it
Plus: five paragraphs on the socks you bought
And your thoughts on whether Nicole Ritchie’s hot or not
You got no reason to be typing, yet you persist
Hit each key with your fist till you punch out your top ten list
Of all the things that ever happened in your life
Number one: met Michael Jackson’s second wife
Number two: got Curly on the Which Stooge Are You
Poll, as the GIF proves. Click for the link-through!
Three: saw puppy pictures on a web page
Kittens in a nest egg. The idea gestated:
Why not open up your own?
So you bought the account and yet I hope you don’t
Put the payments in on it every month like they want
‘cause then you’ll disappear off the internet, haunt
Just the Wayback Machine like a ghost
And I won’t be like, “How come you don’t post??”
I promise I won’t

[Verse 2: M.C. Frontalot]
I hate your blog. Your recipe for vegan eggnog is stupid
I hissed and I booed it
And then eschewed it, never made it once. Yes
Your blog roll is a confederacy of dunces
It abuts less interesting links in your posts
Hamsters that dance! I’m not engrossed
I’m not opposed to your collection of All Your Base pics
But they’re longer in the denture than a ninja flipping out doing face kicks
I’ll phrase this nice:
If it’s hard to get to bed, your web site will suffice
To entice me to slumber. I mumble impoliticly
“I tried not to click ‘read more’ but you tricked me!”
Want to stick the whole computer in the trash can
Instead of reading about the constipation lately and your ass plans
That you seem to contemplate
You thought I would rate your page ‘awesome’ and ‘great’?

[Verse 3: Whoremoans]
You’re just jealous. Yeah, that’s it — envious, even
Turning green when my hit counter broke ten thousand this evening
Mad you can't match my keypad content
Or petitions for legalizing of micropayment thieving
X-rays of teething eight-month heathens and pictures of kittens heaving
The calories in everything I’m eating
Yaoi art my girl drew of Goku making out with Joss Whedon
My 300-pound friend’s exposure (that’s indecent)
But that’s only negatives
I’ve got discussions on the homeliest alien relative
The final battle, Sam Cassell versus Carnage
And a triple-threat match: Charles v. Marilyn v. Shirley Manson from Garbage
I pay homage to great Americans like Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter;
Westwood Radio for help when insulting countercultures
My blog stands above all others by head and shoulders

[Verse 4: M.C. Frontalot]
I hate your blog. You ain’t logged in in a month and a half
And I, for one, am aghast
I mean I’m fast on the way to removing it from bookmarks
If I took part in vanity I might be trying to look smart
By not checking eight times a day
Your blog is so despair-inducing I can’t bear to look away
Oh, well! Got to do what your muse compels
Guess I’ll try to go despise a blog by someone else