How’d The Date End?

I picked her up at the specified time
I was dressed to the nines, and she looked sublime
In a pink sequin dress, just a bit too tight
And I was thinking this could be the night
At the restaurant things were in full bloom
She said she had to visit the ladies room
It may have been just a visit, but I guess along the way
She decided that she'd extend her stay

Did she ever come back?
No, she never came back
And the waiter was laughing as I paid the check
We were going to go to the discotheque

[Spoken]
But actually, at that point, that whole discotheque idea was pretty much off

On my way out, though, I chanced to see
A girl at the bar making eyes at me
And I said to myself, "Self, this could be good
We'll exchange smiles, phone numbers, and maybe even fluids"
So I bought her a drink, and I bought her two more
And I asked for her number as she walked out the door
She said, "555-5555, and I live at number 5, Five Drive"

Was it really her number?
No, it really was not
And a [line disconnected tone] is all I got
When I tried to call it later on

How'd the date end? Badly
How'd the date end? Sadly
It was not a Love Connection, no siree
How'd the date end? Terrible
How'd the date end? Unbearable
But that's not all, Chuck, as you will see

I stumbled around 'til I found another bar
Which was good, because I couldn't find my car
I ordered a scotch, and I drank it down
And I did this several times 'til I lost count
They picked me up where I'd fallen down
I was read my rights and brought downtown
I can't remember very much
But I think it's safe to say that this date sucked

How'd the date end? Terrible
How'd the date end? Unbearable
It was the worst thing that you ever saw
How'd the date end? Horrible
How'd the date end? Deplorable
And now I've got a headache the size of Arkansas

So Chuck, I don't care who the audience picked
I'd rather be killed with a big sharp stick
I'll stay on my own, it's my natural state
Whether or not I have a date