Gay Old Life

[HARRIS, spoken]
I've been meaning to tell you for some time
There's no easy way to say this, but, but

[TREVOR, spoken]
But what?

[HARRIS, spoken]
Ha, I'm gay

[CRAIG, spoken]
What the fuck dad, you're gay?

[HARRIS, spoken]
Well I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm, but yes Craig
I'm gay
Queer as a three-dollar bill and just as stale

[HARRIS]
I wake up, drink my coffee
Have brunch around eleven
Walk my Bichon Frisé
Then nap 'til half past seven
A night out at the Symphony
Such elegance, what poise
Or maybe I'll just stay at home with my two sewer boys
The answer is perfectly clear
It's a gay old life, being queer

[HARRIS]
There's nothing dangеrous about vacationing in Spain
That is, until you have thrown half you're savings down the drain
But monеy should be spent on things both lovely and refined
The sewer boys drink blood for fun and also read my mind
Don't get in a tizzy, my dear
It's a gay old life, being queer

[CRAIG, spoken]
What the fuck are those things?

[HARRIS, spoken]
My sewer boys
Pale little inbred creatures, live underground
Only communicate in clicks and whistles

[CRAIG, spoken]
What are they? Explain this to me

[HARRIS, spoken]
Ha, well it's a long story, very well
Well, yeah, get a hat

[HARRIS]
Many decades ago, I was down in the sewer

[CRAIG, spoken]
Why?

[HARRIS, spoken]
Shh, Daddy is singing

[HARRIS]
Rowing my boat through the slime and manure

[CRAIG, spoken]
How did you get a boat into the sewer?

[HARRIS, spoken]
You wanna hear the story or not?

[HARRIS]
Collecting adventures and treasures galore
But I couldn't guess, what fate had in store
I rounded a bend, and what did I see?
Two creatures so bloody, so foul, so carefree
They were taking a bath in the corpse of a swine
And that's when I knew, they had to be mine
I tried to entice them, but they were too quick
Tried to rip out my trachea, bite off my dick
With a club, I subdued them and made to depart
And I stole the two creatures, who'd stolen my heart

[CRAIG, spoken]
Jesus

[HARRIS]
My boy, there's no reason to jeer
It's a gay old life, be-ing kuh-weer

[HARRIS, EVELYN]
I bathe in bleach (Skiing up in Aspen)
I play the horn (And sailing off West Palm)
One time I died (The snow is fine as powder)
I suck on corn (The waves are always calm)
I poison fruit (But no matter where I am)
I kissed a chair (There is no way I can resist)
The urge to climb below the street and smell that stinky mist (I juggle for exercise, never use alphabet and a tornado's my friend)
The answer is perfectly clear
It's a gay old life, being queer
I have no pussy