Frodo Baggins vs. Ancient Egyptians

Part I

[Narrator]
A long time ago, Frodo Baggins slowly trotted across the Sahara
As the sand wove its glistening waves over the barren landscape
It intended to rid himself of the one ring by hurling it inside the volcano
But on the way, a thought had struck his mind
The Egyptians had invented the ring, so he believed
And so he devised a plan
He would bargain the ring back to where it originally... originally came from
In hopes that someone would dare to carry his burden
He first came across King Ramses II
Who didn't seem too pleased about Frodo's presence

[Intro: King Ramses II & Frodo Baggins]
Who dares look upon King Ramses during his daily rapping study?
Oh I just wanted to inquire about, uh-
Shut the fuck up, you peasant
Beat me in a rap battle first and only if you win, I may hear you out
Should you be worth my time

[Verse 1: King Ramses II]
Nobody as great came before me (Glory!)
But I should call you Ra, cuz you bore me (Snoring!)
Like my farmers, you'll be begging me for more beef (Corny!)
Take my chariot warriors and crush your hairy ass horse feet
You trample in my temple, to my land my reign is central
You got three dwarves, a grandpa, and you act like the Avengers Assembled
I'll make your throat burn like a roasted Adam's apple
I expand land on my camels, you fall off the fucking saddle
Yes, I battled in Kadesh, and now I'll kill you in your cottage
Then I'll take your little hobbits and I'll send them to the prophets
You better know where your God is, before my plagues hit your poor lord
I leave more doors crossed while you're crossing into Mordor

[Verse 2: Frodo Baggins]
Excuse me! Your rhythm is so damn off
You're late on this track, call you Gandalf
Man, let's be real. All your people are hungry
I got the fam in the back, you got a famine in your country
It's Frodo going solo on this bozo, you got no hope
Don't go toe-to-hairy-toe with this smoke-toting GOAT, though
I'll call you your farmers, cuz you got no hoes
No joke, I'm the pro when I roast foes
I got the know to grow flows, and I'm smoking you loads
Like when Moses hit you with a 360 no-scope
Your corpse is looking bare, I have something to improve it
You'd like it Ramses, its got a nice ring to it
It can take any foe you request out of your way

[Outro: King Ramses II & Frodo Baggins]
I don't want your silly ring
Okay....
But I do know somebody who might take your stupid, shitty, no bitches ring
Maybe ask King Tut inside that weird triangle thing in the desert

Part II

[Narrator]
And so Frodo took his stupid, little, shitty, no bitches ring to the weird triangle thing in the desert
There, he met King Tutankhamun
Who didn't seem too pleased about Frodo's presence

[Verse 3: King Tutankhamun]
Brrat, brrat, brrat!
It's the return of the King Tut
Preserved from the crown down to deez nuts
Don't try to stroll into Giza
I'll split you in half like a tree trunk
I slaughter every archaeologist
Who wanders and pops open my sarcophagus
Even in death you won't meet one as fresh as Tutankhamen is
At eight years old they crowned me on the top of Heliopolis
And I was still standing taller than this Hobbit did
In my empire, I've never seen such a wacky face
Even my harem would agree that you have no game
You'd piss yourself before you'd ask out babes
My palm trees are the only place you'd grasp a date
I'm stuck inside a museum but I'm running the aisles
And now this little peasant here is crossing my style?
How was your pathetic past, you motherless child?
Your parents drowned in a river, but now you're stuck in denial

[Verse 4: Frodo Baggins]
Do I really got to destroy this failure?
His speeches were so shit they wrapped him in toilet paper
I'm surprised you even remain intact
You're filled with more preservatives than a Big Mac
Your life has mattered? Your spine got fractured
Fuck Cairo, you need a chiropractor
You set up those traps? Well, clearly I made it
Who let the Home Alone kid on the Grave Shift?
Your country took a whiny kid and placed him off the highest cliff
But then he died at nineteen, dipped
Forgotten with your time and scripts
Barely inscribed in hieroglyphs
I'll scrap you like the Bible did
Only inside our minds to live, because they found your tiny crypt
There's no human stopping me
You got so much gas, you're tooting commonly
Anyway, I wanna sell you this ring, bruh

[Outro: King Tutankhamen & Frodo Baggins]
I don't want your silly ring
FUCK!
But I do know somebody who will be born in a couple centuries after me
Who might take your cringe-ass nae-nae ring
Living inside that-that weird shack across the river

Part III

[Narrator]
And so after thirteen centuries, Frodo arrived with his cringe-ass nae-nae ring at the weird shack across the river
There he met Queen Cleopatra
Who didn't seem too pleased about Frodo's presence

[Verse 5: Cleopatra]
Trying to touch my crown? You can't boss me (Uh-huh)
So you better bow down like these palm leaves (Uh-huh)
I put fools in their tombs, don't get cocky (Uh-huh)
Unlike you and your jewels, I can drop heat (Oh)
I got kidnapped in a bedsack
You're so boring, you make kids nap in a bedsack
Make every guy kneel when I make noise with my bars
My milk bath brings all the boys to the yard (Let's go)
Try to hold your composure when all the Romans come over
I got a whole league of soldiers, you got a hole in your shoulder
Now I'm opposing this ogre, you're getting smoked 'til your toes hurt
So just keep loathing your own worth
So soft this froyo's a gogurt
Got loafs, but ain't got Fro-dough in your pockets (Yuh)
Lost your bro only to get trolled by that Gollum (Uh)
Save your jokes, you can never cope with your problems (Yo)
Your finger goes like this battle roast, bitch you lost it!

[Verse 6: Frodo Baggins]
I lost it? Please! You asked your brother to marry ya (Eugh)
Kept that bedroom in sweet home Alexandria
Who let Squidward near the eye shadow?
All your marriages fell apart like the Sphynx, ha, got your nose!
You're weak, Cle
You keep stealing from Caesar's Salary
I got beef, you just eat Caesar's Celery
You turned everybody around you into a snake
It's no surprise that's what made you slither into your grave!
Now I shall be the sixth man who offers you a ring
But this time it's not for love, just for the bling
I know your hand is full, so I guess you gotta cram it

[Outro: Cleopatra & Frodo Baggins]
I don't want your silly ring
GOD DAMMIT!

Part IV

[Narrator]
And so Frodo Baggins wandered into the desert once more
But it was too much
After thirteen centuries of no food
The weak-ass pussy finally kicked the Hobbit-sized bucket
But something unexpected happened
Instead of wandering into the afterlife
He was visited by the God of the dead
Anubis

[Intro: Anubis & Frodo Baggins]
Ayo, Frodo Baggins
What?
I'm gonna grant you your greatest desire, taking the ring
Oh
And I'm gonna bring you back to the living world
Uh-huh
Under one condition
You gotta defeat me in a rap battle
No, no, no, please not another one
Yuh
No, no!

[Verse 7: Anubis]
Don't duel with Anubis
These puny endeavours are fruitless
The humans may foolishly count me as ruthless
The truth is, when I see the cruelness in you, I choose not to excuse it
Selling the ring, I can see what you're doing
Deep down, you're scared that your heart will abuse it
Let's clear the confusion, like statues in the room with Tutan
I'll leave you in ruins
I read hieroglyphs but I still can't decipher
How you'd bawl with the embalmer, you got wrapped up by a spider
Depended on your friendships ever since you left The Shire
Yeah, he bails you outta fights, but with Sam, you're none the wiser
I'm not the type of dude to say, "Off with his head!"
Feed him with the dog with a croc for his head
Look, even Sauron watches with dread
Scared of the terror his coffin begets and your followers left
Cynopolis still kneels down to me
Since the dawn of my myth spawned
Tied my name to the grave
Cuz they know the God of the dead still lives on

[Interlude: Anubis, Samwise Gamgee, & Frodo Baggins]
This is bloody unfair!
If you have any decency whatsoever
You will summon my friends to help me
I shall accept those terms
What have you done to Master Frodo?
Yo, this is a 1v1, dawg
Rap

[Verse 8: Samwise Gamgee & Gandalf]
Frodo! Oh no! You must make this right, Sam
Get the will to fight and then you'll strike Osiris' hype man
That's my plan
Sure to shorten your afterlife span
Like your uncle did your father, I'll be killing the mic (Damn!)
You're the worst god in Egypt since Creep Switch
Your tale got ripped by the Greeks, that's a reprint
Had a cult of believers, deceived
Then the Middle East left for Jesus, that's a repent
Who switched the look up? Anubis!
Ditched your lover for your mama, a new bitch!
I go hamly, spit sick like gangrene
Who killed your family? Its the Gamgee!

[Verse 9: Anubis]
A righteous heart that's filled with anger
I know the pain that death brings
To ensure there comes no danger
I'll take up this goddamn ring

[Verse 10: Samwise Gamgee]
Fucking finally
Now Frodo will not die in vain
I beg of you, Anubis
Pleaser bring Frodo back to alive again

[Outro: Anubis, Samwise Gamgee, Frodo Baggins, & Gandalf]
Sam?
Master Frodo! You've come back again like Gandalf!
He did what?!
Did somebody say Gandalf?
You shall not pass death twice!

[Narrator]
And they all lived happily ever after
Except, Sam... he died