Dustin’s Jailhouse Medley

[Intro (Spoken words)]
Good evening and Merry Christmas one and all. I knew you'd all turn out tonight. Well, it's either that or sit in your cells. Huah ha ha! It's great to be here in Saint Nick's prison. How are ya Pugsy? I didn't realise... it's the microwaves I sold ya? Well I'll talk to ya later huah ha! Just a little joke there. Well I know you're expecting... Oi! Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Sit back down on those chairs! Now I know you're a bit upset because you heard there were a couple of tasty birds playing tonight but there's only gonna be one. The Corrs can't actually make it because they've been put in prison themselves. And about time too. Yeah music prison, well they've murdered so many songs! Ho ho ho! If ya don't mind, eh, could ya hit it more on the... I'd like to start off with a couple of jokes. Cheer up you're only in for another five years. That's not actually a joke, just cheer up would ya. Start off with one. "Sorry mic" huah ha! I told ya they'd be a hard crowd. Alright me and the prison officer would like to start off with a couple of little messages before we go and do a few jokes. Good news here for Fingers Finnegan, yes Fingers Finnegan, you've spent twenty five years in prison but we finally have the evidence that proves you're innocent, yeah. He died yesterday? Oh, oh well. Let's not let that get us down. One here for Snots Maguire, are ya out there Snots? Raise your hand. Sorry hands, I didn't realise you've handcuffs on there. What is it? I don't do anything about the prison food. Jailhouse Rock? I'll do requests later. It's just about your Santa letter there Snots Maguire. Santa can't actually bring ya a rope ladder and helicopter. No. And the bad news is Santa actually won't be visiting the Saint Nick State Penitentiary because last time he was here Pugsy Malone robbed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. A lot of boys and girls throughout Ireland upset about that, Pugsy. How did ya ever think you were gonna hide a red nosed reindeer who had an infra-red nose glowin' out a window in an eight by ten prison cell. Well, that's your own business, Pugsy. Alright a couple of jokes to get us goin' on. Huah ha! Here we go. What's the difference between you guys and Batman? Batman can go out without Robin! Huah ha ha! Yeah, there's going to be a bit of good news for all youse prisoners. Free bars coming up to Christmas. Yeah they'll be located in the windows of your cells! Huah ha! Hey can you hit the snare on the... yeah. And don't be too upset. I mean who else is free B and B. No I'm not talking about bed and breakfast, I'm talking about bars and bunkbeds. Huah ha! Yeah there was a rollover from last week, I believe Big Tom was here. Oh he wasn't actually entertaining? He was just in prison as well. That's fair enough. Okay. There's a snowball prize, we're up to a holiday in prisoner cell block H in Australia which I know you're all interested in so we'll get the old eyes down on your prison shirt numbers please. Machine's starting. And the first one is five, and all on its own one. Number one. Five and one. Keep your eyes down on your prison shirt numbers please. Seven. Seven. Five one seven and the letter is... J. Five one seven J, who's that now? That's Locks McLaughlin. Locks McLaughlin? He escaped. Okay I think we're going to have a rollover onto next week. That's good news for all of youse. All still in with a chance. So guys you know I'm on your side, I had a chat with the warden there and he said there's no problem whatsoever. That we might have the old Christmas movies back after last year when the television and video were robbed. But this year, it being Christmas and all that and the spirit of goodwill, we're going to be showing the Shawshank Redemption at eight o'clock in the mess hall and we'll be showing Escape from Alcatraz in... oh I've just been told no, they're cancelled. Just in case you boys get any ideas. Huah ha ha! Ah well you can't have everything. I'd like to start off with... here officer I'll just give you the keys there for locking up, sorry governor, I didn't realise that was one of the most dange... yeah, he's gone, sorry about that yeah. Yeah I think it's about time we started off with a couple of songs from a man who well, has had his own freedom in the past, let's just say, and I don't think, unlike some of youse boys, he has no regrets. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, star of Mrs Doubtfire, it's Robbie Williams! Oh yeah come on, here we go, let me see you! Merry Christmas

[Verse 1]
Oh hell is gone and heaven's here
There's nothin' left for you to fear
So shake your bum, come over here
And I'll scream

I'm a burning effigy
Of everything I used to be
And your me rock of empathy
My dear

So come on let me entertain you (Lemme hear ya)
So come on let me entertain you (Shut up moanin' about The Corrs)
So come on let me entertain you

[Verse 2]
(Ah some of you in for a long time here, so you've gotta be strong)
You think that I'm strong
You're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing me song
Me song
Me song

[Verse 3]
(Oh you know what's happenin', yeah
We got stars directing our fates
And we're praying it's not too late
That's it, "Millennium"
1-2-3-4)
We got stars directing our fates
And we're praying it's not too late
Cause we know we're fallin' from grace
Millennium

[Verse 4]
(Hope a few of ya here have regrets
But I have no regrets, huah ha!)
No regrets
They don't work

[Verse 5]
(This is for Pensioner McMahon in cell 129
He's 72 but he's been here for 18 years
And he's got another 20 to go)
So I hope I'm old before I die
I hope I live to relive the days gone by

[Verse 6]
(We got a few show offs, you all know it
Hands in the air please
Oh handcuffs, sorry
Here we go)
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate?
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
I've been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold

(Hands in the air please)

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When it comes to call
She won't forsake me
Why?
Cause I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Cause I'm loving angels instead

[Outro (Spoken words)]
Goodnight. God bless. Saint Nick's prison. Where's me mic? Hello?Who's got me microphone? You're not being funny. Warden! Some Christmas. Who's got me microphone?