Dreaming or Sinking

I tried looking into her eyes to make sense of my own life
But found senseless realizations
I was reckless and she was justification
A vacation from the monotony I lived in
And avoiding risk felt nice until I realized
I was avoiding purpose

And it’s all new, but I love her
At least I think, because I don’t want to live so empty
And I have this tendency to complicate things
Better than I break things
And she was somehow caught in the in-between
And forever means forever
And that’s what it'll always mean
And life is a reality, except for when it’s a dream
And those are the moments that I can’t seem to think
But I make sense of my mess
By making sense of her and me
And this fear keeps me alive
This fear of knowing that she could leave me
And I could try

But this fear fuels the flames
That’s why I feel like I’m going to die
Cause she kept a part of me close by
And I liked it the best I can
And now that I know who I used to be
It’s hard to be happy with who I am
And that’s where she came in

A half-baked smile and a love to pretend
But prior to then, love was nothing more to me
Than a vacation, a vacant motivation
To avoid the means it takes to reach any real end
A sense of salvation
But also an element of bitter hope
To cope with the rope that was tied around my neck

And the savior I hoped for was chased away
Way back then
When I found vices to take the place
Of all the things I wanted to be
And I lost sight of me
But I was told I could be anybody
And I thought I could find purpose
In loving someone who looks like me

And I began dreaming or sinking
Most nights, they meant the same thing
And when that salvation finally found me
It was traded away for thirty pieces of silver
Seems like that’s not too much, I guess
But I sold my savior for a whole lot less
My two best friends, acceptance, and a mirage of fake happiness
And now the words I use to cling to as my refuge
Now torture me in my head

Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do
It’s funny 'cause it seems like I did every time I lied to you
And that’s my only truth, that I can’t sleep at night
And I can’t get these things right
And salvation escaped when she came into view
And now I’m hoping my whole life isn’t mistaken as you

But there’s no way of knowing
When all I’m doing is coping with my own pride
And my past would fight with me, hoping I would find truth
But it’s never a good idea to start a fight
With a man who has nothing to lose
And I’m empty, my heart is caving in
And for whatever reason, I finally let somebody in
And I don’t know what love is, but I’m growing