Christmas Dragnet (Yulenet) Part 1

Joe:
This is the season
My name is Wednesday, my partner is Frank Jones, the chief is Captain Kellogg
December the 24th, Christmas Eve, they brought in a guy named Grudge
When I heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold
It was a 4096325-dash-096704: not believing in Santa Claus

4:35 P.M. I was working the holiday watch out of Homicide with Frank

Frank:
Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?

Joe:
Yeah, just before I come down. You, too, Frank?

Frank:
Always do. Hung it up early just in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn't wanna miss out on when Santy Claus comes, you know

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Sure wouldn't. Would be a shame

Frank:
Whatcha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? Whatcha gonna do on Christmas? Ya got any plans?

Joe:
Nothing much

Frank:
Why don't you come by the house, Joe? We're gonna have Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings

Joe:
Mm-hmm

Frank:
Turkey, celery, stuffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts

Joe:
Mm-hmm

Frank:
All the trimmings. Cranberry sauce. Love to have ya

Joe:
Mm-hmm

Frank:
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks
You know, olives, pickles, scallions
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions
Do you ever notice that, Joe?

Joe:
Ever notice what, Frank?

Frank:
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Scallions

Frank:
Anytime after two, Joe. Love to have ya

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see

Frank:
Love to have ya

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see

Frank:
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks
You know them little carrot sticks?

Joe:
Mm-hmm

Frank:
Olives, pickles, scallions

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Let's not go through that again

Frank:
Love to have ya. Go through what again, Joe?

Joe:
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions

Frank:
Oh. You noticed that, too, huh, Joe?

(telephone rings)

Joe:
Homicide, Wednesday
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm

(hangs up)

Frank:
'S the matter, Joe? 'S the matter, Joe?

Joe:
Bringing a guy in on a 409635-dash-096704

Frank:
You-you mean...

Joe:
Yeah. Guy don't believe in scallions. I mean Santa Claus

6:29 P.M. We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa Claus: a guy named Grudge

Says here your name's Grudge, that right?

Grudge:
Yeah

Joe:
Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?

Frank:
It's hard to believe what you said. Did you really say that?

Grudge:
Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santy Claus?
Ya got a picture of him?

Joe:
No, no mug shot

Grudge:
Any fingerprints?

Joe:
Mnh-mnh, no latent prints. I just know, that's all
I't's like saying there isn't an Easter Bunny

Grudge:
That's another guy there ain't no of!

Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, that's your story, mister

Frank:
Joe, he just said that to make me feel bad, didn't he?
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there? Joe?

Joe:
Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago on a 1492 for not believing in Columbus?

Grudge:
Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either

Joe:
How about Toledo?

Grudge:
I, uh, I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo

Joe:
Okay, mister, I get the picture now
You don't believe in nothin', do ya?

Grudge:
Nothin'! And you wanna know somethin' else?

Joe:
What's that?

Grudge:
I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna walk right out of this room, 'cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me
There ain't no law against not believin' in Santy Claus

Joe:
There is in my book
Let me tell you somethin', mister, I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night

Grudge:
Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got nothin' else to do

Joe:
Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's on Frank and me
Right, Frank? Right, Frank?

Frank:
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?
You know, hippety-hoppin' down the bunny trail?

Joe:
I took Grudge over to the helicopter. Got in, flew around the city for hours
I showed him department stores

What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge?

Grudge:
Happy people, but I ain't impressed

Joe:
I showed him stockings

How are those stockings hung, Grudge?

Grudge:
By the chimney with care. But I didn't hang none up

Joe:
I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds

What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?

Grudge:
Visions of sugarplums
But you ain't sellin' me. There ain't no Santy Claus

Joe:
He still didn't believe. There was only one thing left to do
My job? Get to the North Pole

11:45 P.M. We arrived at the North Pole
I set the plane down, we walked over to Santy's workshop, rang the bell

(bell plays "Dragnet" theme)

Joe:
Pardon me, sir, can I ask you a few questions?

Brownie:
Why, sure. Just tickle me to death

Joe:
What do you do for a living?

Brownie:
I'm a brownie

Joe:
What are you doing at the North Pole with a Southern accent?

Brownie:
Well, the boss sorta ran short on help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us brownies from the South Pole

Joe:
Mm-hmm. That figures

Grudge:
Heh-heh! What a waste of time!

Joe:
Could we talk to your boss, please?

Brownie:
Oh, he's out. You would come on the one night he's out in the whole year

Joe:
Mm-hmm. What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?

Brownie:
My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job? Feed 'em

Joe:
Mm-hmm, yes, sir. What do ya feed 'em?

Brownie:
Well, most times I fix up a little plate of relish
Olives, pickles and them carrot sticks
You know them little ol' carrot sticks?

Joe:
Mm-hmm

Brownie:
And scallions

Joe and Brownie:
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions

Brownie:
How'd you know?

Joe:
Just a stab in the dark

The little man showed us through the workshop

Brownie:
My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon
Say, would you all like to hear an interestin' story?

Joe:
Yes, sir

Brownie:
Well, you see that huge pile of presents over there?

Joe:
Mm-hmm

Grudge:
Man, look at all that stuff!

Brownie:
Would you believe it? They're all for the same man
Been pilin' up here year after year

Joe:
Why didn't the guy ever get 'em?

Grudge:
Yeah! Why?

Brownie:
'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the rules

Joe:
Mm-hmm. We know

Grudge:
I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this, this guy can still --

Brownie:
Get the presents? Oh, sure. He gets 'em all the minute he believes
But I don't suppose he ever will

Joe:
Too bad about that guy. What's his name?

Grudge:
Don't say it. I don't want to hear it

Joe:
Come on, Mr. Brownie. What's his name?

Brownie:
His name? Grudge

Joe:
The Brownie saw us to the door, wished us a merry Christmas
We were heading back to the plane when it happened

Grudge:
Hey!

Joe:
Yeah, Grudge?

Grudge:
You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?

Joe:
Who's that?

Grudge:
S-S-Santy Claus?

Joe:
Yes, sir?

Grudge:
You think I'm too old to change my mind?

Joe:
You're never too old, Mr. Grudge

Grudge:
Well then, I-I-I believe in Santy Claus. And Columbus

Joe:
How about Cleveland, Cincinnati, and the Easter Bunny?

Grudge:
Yeah, them, too

Joe:
And Toledo?

Grudge:
I-I still ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!

(sleigh bells)

Joe:
Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for the second load

Grudge:
It's Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!

Joe:
There's the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night

Grudge:
Yeah. He must have the biggest heart in the whole world

Joe:
That's about the size of it