Santa Claus And His Old Lady

CM: (Playing piano) "Ma-ma-ma-ma-cita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the vato wit da bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet...and he's going to..." No, no, that ain't it... "Mamamacita, donde esta Santa Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's..." Nah. Hey, man, come over here, man. I need some help, man

TC: Yeah, man. I can dig that. Like, uh, what are ya doin', man?

CM: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but it's not comin' out...

TC: About who, man?

CM: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man?

TC: Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man

CM: What?

TC: Yeah, last year at the Fillmore, man. Me and the bass player sat in, man

CM: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No, it's not a group, man

TC: Wha? They break up, man?

CM: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a..a red suit on, man, with black patent leather choos...you know the guy, man

TC: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with that dude, too, man. He's a good singer, man

CM: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man

TC: Well, then he's with Buddah, man

CM: No, aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man!

TM: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from Pittsburgh, man. I don't know too many local dudes

CM: Ohhh, I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll tell you da story about Santa Claus, man. Listen...

(background music begins)

Once upon a time, about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude and has name was Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the projects with his old lady and they had a pretty good thing together because his old lady was really fine and she could cook and all that stuff like that, y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man! Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat one of 'em, man, wow...

TC: Wow, did you know these people, man?

CM: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me, y'know...until they got kicked out, man

TC: Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man?

CM: Yeah, you know what happened, man? They used ta live with all these midgets, y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lotta noise, y'know, like pounding and hammering and pounding all night, man...

TC: Typical freaks, huh?

CM: Oh, yeah, man, they were really freaks, man. As a matter of fact, they all moved up north together, y'know

TC: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man?

CM: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune, y'know. It was called the...uh..."Santa Claus and his Old Lady Commune"; it was a real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit around and groove all the time, y'know

TC: Oh, yeah?

CM: Yeah, a really good time, man

TC: That sounds heavy

CM: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea, man...and what they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta goodies, y'know? And they had everything they needed; they only needed to come into town maybe once a year or something like that...

TC: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right

CM: Yeah... No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year, when they made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a beeg chopping bag and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em to all the boys and girls all da way around da world, man!

TC: Hey, well, that's hip, man. That sounds real nice

CM: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people, man. And so much class, man...they had so much class, y'know. Like, even take da way they used ta deliver da toys, y'know. It's like, Santa Claus used ta have this really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lowered to da ground, had twice-pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Oooo, clean!

TC: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man

CM: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile; it was a sled, y'know. One of those big sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some reindeers, y'know, like, reindeers?

TC: Some what, man?

CM: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled and then he used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins and then call out their names, like, "On Donner! On, Blitzen! On Chewy! On Tavo! C'mon, Becto!" And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky and fly across da sky, man!

TC: Wow, man! That's far out, man!

CM: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta come down to places like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and all those places, y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs and then 'ol Santa Claus would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real small guy, and he'd come down da chimney and then he would give you all da stuff that he made, man. And...dig this, man...he did it all in one night, man!

TC: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man?

CM: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man?

TC: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man? Like, how'd he make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he get the reindeer off the ground, man?

CM: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man

TC: Some magic dust?

CM: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da reindeer, a little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa Claus, a little bit more...

TC: And this would get the reindeer off, man?

CM: Aw, got 'em off, man? Are you kidding, man? They flew all da way around da world, man!

TC: Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, how come I've never met this dude, man?

CM: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too dangerous, man

TC: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man!

CM: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years ago, man, he got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into another room and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and searched his bag of goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man, he was flying through the air and somebody took a chot at his reindeer, y'know

TC: Aw, that's a drag, man

CM: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down South, man, and they tried to cut off his hair and his beard, man. And all the time, he was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID, man....just everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man

TC: No, man, you mean he ran into too much repression, man

CM: Aw, "repression"..."recession"...man, it's all da same thing, man

TC: Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use a dude like that right now

CM: Oh, he still comes around, man

TC: Oh, yeah?

CM: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now...

TC: Aw, he went "underground"

CM: Yeah, "underground", man

TC: I can dig it

CM: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise, man; nobody would ever know it was him, man

TC: Oh, yeah?

CM: Yeah. He's got a job in front of da department store, ringing this bell and playing this tambourine next to this black pot, y'know?

TC: Aw, I seen the dude, man!

CM: Yeah! You know who I'm talking about, man!

TC: Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man!

CM: Wha?

TC: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of bread, man!

CM: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man!

TC: I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know any tunes, man!

CM: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at all, man

TC: No, I played with this dude, man

CM: Are you sure, man?

TC: Positive!