A Very Bad Man

(Spoken)
Schaffer:
Hello. Schaffer
Erin:
Hi, I'm Erin
Schaffer:
Erin? It's a pleasure to meet you Erin
Erin:
Oh, likewise! I'm a big, big fan!
And let me just say, you we're amazing tonight!
Schaffer:
Aww. Thank you so much. You're far too kind
Erin:
Oh, I mean it. I think you're incredible!
Schaffer:
I truly appreciate that. It's been a pleasure meeting you
Now could you excuse me for just a moment...
Erin:
Of course, Mr. Schaffer
Schaffer:
Thank you...

(Rap)
Now, when I came and shook your hand
Did you get the feeling that
You'd been introduced to a nice man? And
Did my eye contact and winning smile leave you disarmed?
Were you taken by my charm?

Well, it was all bull-shit
Oooh, Snap!
My nice guy act is just that, an act
You sap!
You're a savvy as a child
God, I wear a sheep suit tailored for a wild dog
As I hawk an "Aww Shucks" routine which you've been buyin
The Trojan horse bait'n switch
Which behind, I hide a vile id driven demon
With no remorse or feelins'
Only give a shit about one guy
And he is me and I
Can't stand my friends, don't respect my fans
I'm a devil on another level
You can't understand
Such a cad I oughta rock a fanny pack and a doo rag
Ooh man, I'm a total douche bag

Yeah
And all the people go, "Please just say it isn't so
You're really so nice! Right, Bro?"
No, I'm a bad man
I'm a very bad man, (Hah, ha)
I'm a very very bad bad man
And all my people see only what they wanna see
Trust me, you don't wanna trust me
'Cause, see, I'm a bad man
I'm a very bad man, (Suckers!)
I'm a very very bad bad man

Look you in the eye and I will chuckle while you weep
Spend the night and I'll slip dollars out your wallet while you sleep
I'll take a sex tape
Maybe one that me and an ex made
Digitize it, get it on the internet the next day
Call her up and ask her if she wants to get back together
Whatever she says I'll giggle that her sister was better
Never keep a secret, nor an allegiance
And, yeah, I'll gladly do a dance around a paraplegic
Children scream in fear when I'm near I'm guessin' maybe it's
'Cause I explain the Santa myth to little kids I baby sit
I don't believe in god, I won't ever go to heaven
And I think I might've even had a hand in 9/11
And I got a lot of...
Hey, wait, whoa, what?
Too soon?
Quit your crying
Boo Hoo
You don't like it?
Screw you
And you too, all of you
You fell for a trick
You're even worse than me, 'cause you admire me
And I'm a prick!

And everybody I've ever met begins to cry
They realize I'm not a nice guy and that
I'm a bad man
I'm a very bad man
I'm a very very bad bad man
And every friend and fan I've ever had is very sad
They've all been had by a bad scam
Damn, I'm a bad man!
I'm a very bad man
Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, BadMan!

I've never paid a compliment I actually meant
You know I've never done a thing without malicious intent
'Cause I'm detestable, despicable
My ways'll make you sick until
You can't believe you ever spoke to me
I'm a miserable back stabber
And all of my colleagues are bad rappers
Diss 'em to their fans
Heckle them mad
And ask 'em, "What's the matter?"
Crack an AIDs joke all of y'all'll call appalling
I punched an eight year old in the mouth
For talking during Wall-E
While I'm making great joy
I toy with other people's lives
Cheatin' on my marriage with my best friend's wife
I relish breaking bad news to rooms of cancer patients
Explain to babies where they come from
With some illustrations
One day you'll heed these words and stay away from me
But for now your all just fawning fans who buy my CDs
I'm a cheat, a thief, a user
You know this is true
Or is it?
'Cause I'm kind of a compulsive liar, too

And all the people go, "Please just say it isn't so
You're really so nice! Right, Bro?"
No, I'm a bad man
I'm a very bad man, (You gonna cry?)
I'm a very very bad bad man
And all my people see only what they wanna see
Trust me, you don't wanna trust me
'Cause, see, I'm a bad man
I'm a very bad man, (Fuck you...)
I'm a very very bad bad man

Erin:
Ah... Oh - kay...