Patti By The Pool

[Spoken]
[Nancy]
Don’t make faces at me, Patti

[Patti]
How do you know I’m making faces?

[Nancy]
I can hear your face moving

[Patti]
You oughtta just tell me the real reason you wanted to see me
I mean, come on. After six months of not talking to me - six months - you and my father shut me out just ‘cause you were mad about my book?

[Nancy]
I didn’t read it

[Patti]
It was just fiction

[Nancy]
I didn’t read it

[Patti]
And you didn’t talk to me for six months?

[Nancy]
We’re talking now.

[Patti]
I mean, it’s cool - you’re in L.A. visiting your old pal, Betsy
But don’t ask me to believe you’d cram a mother/child kiss-and-make-up-reunion into your schedule, so what’s the real reason you wanted me here?

[Nancy]
To see you. You live in L.A., why not spend a nice day at Betsy’s pool together before I leave for the ranch?

[Patti]
For Thanksgiving . . . to which I’m not invited. [Laughs] Blow me

[Nancy]
You know I don’t like that expression, Patti

[Patti]
How much you pay for that bathing suit?
Some designer give it to you?
I think you’re a little old for it, frankly
Me, I’m just not into fashion shit
Your kind of thing - it isn’t real
Me, I’m just not into frou-frou crap
Your kind of thing - it’s so bourgeois
The money that you blow on your silly suits and your evening gowns and your stupid hats.
The money that you throw at designer names:
It’s a sickening thing, it’s unconscionable.

[Sung]
Gimme an old pair of jeans instead
You can keep your Nancy Reagan red

[Spoken]
Nah, I’m just not into tranny drag
Your kind of thing - it’s such a joke

[Sung]
Do you know what it’s like
To have a narcissistic mother?
Do you know how it is
Do you care?
No, you’re more concerned about your hair
And the stupid tranny clothes you wear

[Spoken]
Me, I’m just not into you, Mommy Dearest

[Sung]
‘Cause you never try
To get into my head
Screw you and your Nancy Reagan red
I don’t think you heard a word I said

[Spoken]
And you wonder why I wish that I were dead

[Nancy]
We all have problems, Patti

[Patti]
What’s that supposed to mean?

[Nancy]
You’re 32 years old

[Patti]
Yeah…

[Nancy]
Not some child

[Anita]
Your Orange Blossom, Mrs. Reagan

[Nancy]
[Laughs] A straw, Anita. You forgot a straw

[Anita]
[Laughs] Of course

[Patti]
Thank you, Anita

[Anita]
May I get you anything, Miss Davis?

[Patti]
Uh, I’ll have a Jack and Coke

[Nancy]
It’s a little early

[Patti]
You’re drinking

[Nancy]
It’s a very weak Orange Blossom
Anita, let Mrs. Bloomingdale know that I’m poolside

[Anita]
Yes, Mrs. Reagan

[Nancy]
Oh, and make sure we’re all packed to take off tomorrow
We’ve got to get the ranch in order before Ronnie comes in
The staff never does anything right unless I’m there

[Anita]
Yes, Mrs. Reagan

[Nancy]
Betsy runs an impeccable house, doesn’t she?

[Anita]
The Bloomingdale house is well stocked

[Nancy]
Her staff is just so on top of things

[Anita]
Everyone is very nice

[Nancy]
Don’t you love her new dining room?
That chandelier with the tiny, sparkly fairy light ….

[Laughs]

… twinkly things?

[Anita]
Very nice

[Nancy]
Her eye for detail . . . .

[Patti]
A Jack and Coke, Anita?

[Nancy]
A straw first, Anita
Thank you
[Patti]
You’re here, my father’s in Washington
That’s a new one - you never let him out of your sight

[Nancy]
Your father is under a lot of stress

[Patti]
[Laughs] I’ll bet
We did not, I repeat did not, trade weapons for hostages or anything else

[Nancy]
Would you want to see your father at Thanksgiving?

[Patti]
I’ve got plans

[Nancy]
As I said, you’re 32 years old
You can make your own decisions

[Patti]
I read my horoscope
It’s lookin’ pretty good
Lots of fun things in store for me
[Laughs] Money. Oh yeah, yeah
Lots o’ love and romance
And a black man
Yeah, a big, hunky black man gonna come into my life
Gonna make me his bitch
‘Fore he makes me his wife
Yeah

[Sung]
[Patti]
A big, nasty black man
Gonna turn this mother out
Gonna learn what perestroika
Is really all about
Oh, Mama
Oh, Papa
Gonna break your heart
When my black man takes me down
In an acrobatic star
Oh, Mama
Oh, Papa
Gonna freak you out
Push this
Ooh, push that
Ooh, hoo, shake your boo thang
Thang, thang, thang, thang

[Spoken]
[Anita]
Your straw, Mrs. Reagan

[Nancy]
Thank you, Anita
Oh, let Mrs. Bloomingdale know I spoke to Benita, and we’re still on for dinner tonight at the Bel Air

[Anita]
Of course

[Nancy]
I wish the pool at the White House were kept as lovely as this

[Anita]
Very lovely

[Nancy]
Not a single leaf or bug to be seen

[Anita]
It’s very clean

[Nancy]
I wonder if Betsy’s poolman could talk to ours . . .

[Patti]
Did you know Paraguay is the largest manufacturer and distributor of marijuana in the whole of South America?

[Nancy]
Thank you, Anita.

[Patti]
And can I have my Jack and Coke?
Gracias.

It’s weird that Anita was indicted for gun trafficking

[Nancy]
She wasn’t involved

[Patti]
[Laughs] A hundred thousand rounds of ammunition?

[Nancy]
She wasn’t involved

[Patti]
Well, you did keep her on in spite of her arres
That took some big ass cajones
I always thought you had bigger cajones than my father
At least you knew how to slap me around as a kid and make it mean something
Now that would make a good book, wouldn’t it?

[Anita]
You’re expecting a call from the President at noon

[Nancy]
Let’s just hope he remembers. My Ronnie . . .

[Anita]
Yes, Mrs. Reagan

[Nancy]
He’s getting so forgetful

[Anita]
Yes, Mrs. Reagan

[Nancy]
And Jim Baker hasn’t returned my call yet
Will you see about that?

[Anita]
Yes, Mrs. Reagan

[Patti]
Hey, some of us are thirsty, Anita

[Laughs] My Ronnie
My Ronnie
Ronnie
Mommy
The names you call each other
Poo pants? Poop chin?
What’s that all about?
Ah, your marriage is somethin’ else
Just you two
Just you two
What’s that all about?
Just you two, no one else
Not us kids, only you and Poo Pants
Why’d you bother having kids?

Let’s play 20 questions.

[Nancy]
Let’s enjoy this nice day

[Patti]
Nah, let’s play 20 questions
I wanna get into your head
I wanna delve beneath the crap
Dig beneath the Nancy Reagan red
It would be helpful for my book
Yes, I will write another book: a memoir, nonfiction
About me and you and Poo Pants
So, let’s play 20 questions
Okay, I’ll start:
Is it true that before you became the queen of Washington
You were the blow job queen of Hollywood?

[Nancy]
Language, Patti

[Patti]
Just say . . . no
[Laughs] Just say no
Barf-aroni
But better than your foster grandparent crap
Foster grandparents - what the hell was that about?
Adopt some old fart, like you?
[Laughs] Like my father?
Why not adopt some little kid who’s starving . . .
Or beat up . . . by her parents . . . who hate her?
[Laughs] Foster grandparents - how is that a First Lady cause?
Jesus
Hey, what are you gonna do when you aren’t First Lady anymore?
Say, like, your Ronnie gets impeached over this whole Iran-Contra crap?

[Nancy]
Patti, please
I know you’re angry with me, but can’t we just . . . sit?
Your father needs us both right now
We should be there for him - his two favorite girls

[Patti]
You really want me to come for Thanksgiving?

[Nancy]
You always make him smile

[Patti]
I know

[Nancy]
It breaks my heart that you and he haven’t spoken for awhile

[Patti]
And that’s my fault?

[Nancy]
Can’t you just let go of the past?
If you could do that, it would do us both so much good

[Sung]
[Patti]
What makes me wanna hate you, Nancy?
Have you ever wondered?
No, you’ve never wondered
What makes me wanna hate you
Hit you where it hurts
Kick you where it counts
Make you wanna cringe
And cry and shriek

[Spoken]
Just forget all the shit you’ve done to me?
Just let it go and, and look to a sparkly
Chandelier-y, leaf-free, bug-free future?
‘Cause it would do good?
[Laughs] You really think I’m buying that?
You’re only thinking of yourself

[Sung]
It’s all about you
The world’s about you
Don’t you know I see
Nothing’s about me
You’re narcissistic
You’re all about you
Or should I say Poo
Poop Chin, whatever?
Nothing can dissuade
Your having to parade
Your giant head and Nancy-ness
[?] shriek and coiffed and by design
Nancy-ness
That steely gaze
That sober mind
Nancy-ness
Years ago I had to learn
It’s all about you
I’d hate to be you
You made the choice
To give up your life
To a B-listed actor
Who needed a wife
A second wife
Not first, but second wife
[Spoken]
I could almost feel sorry for you
Women like you from the olden days
You didn’t have many choices
But you did have the choice to be a good mother or a crummy one

[Sung]
Sometimes I think about Jane Wyman
My father’s first wife
Sometimes I wonder if Jane Wyman
Would have made a good mom
She could act
Better than you - it’s a fact
Jane Wyman, would she have made a good mom?
I don’t know
But I digress
I was saying
It’s all about you
All life’s about you
And though your Nancy-ness thinks
It’s so easy to let go
Forgive and just say no
Well, it’s not
And so, I can hate you
My mother, the actress, a good one
However, Jane Wyman
Was better, but that’s it
I’ll say it: I hate you
For all you’ll never do
And you can blow me
It’s all about you

[Spoken]
[Nancy]
How hard it’s been for you all these years
How hard it was for you and your brother
Ronnie and I so busy, always busy
Hollywood, politics, then the White House
Children get lost, they get angry, hurt themselves, lash out
Some don’t make it
But you survived, Patti, you have
And you have talent
When a person has talent, it ought to be pursued
And you are a good writer, a really good writer

[Patti]
How do you know I’m a good writer if you didn’t read my book?

[Nancy]
[Laughs] Oh, Patti
I want, I want you to know that your father and I are proud of you
Of your ambition, your courage to take a stand, your wit
We’re proud of you, and we need you with us now
It’s us against the world, Patti
Us against the world

[Patti]
Thanksgiving?

[Nancy]
Please

[Patti]
Okay

[Nancy]
[Laughs] Thanksgiving at the ranch, all of us together again like old times
Your father will be so happy
He needs a break from Washington
He needs to be with people who love him - us girls

[Patti]
Us girls.

[Nancy]
And your brother, too.

[Patti]
Oh, he’s not dancing
this year?

[Both laugh]

[Patti]
This Iran-Contra crap; what’s Daddy gonna do?

[Nancy]
He didn’t know anything

[Patti]
Well, he would’ve had to know something, right?

[Nancy]
He didn’t know anything

[Patti]
I mean, without him giving some sort of okay
Assholes like Ollie North don’t just start screwin’ around with Nicaraguan maniacs, selling arms for hostages

[Nancy]
He didn’t know anything

[Patti]
Come on. Come on, he’s the president, he knows about everything
Like he didn’t know about the October Surprise?
Surprise!
He knew those Iranians wouldn’t be releasing the hostages ‘til after the election
He knew all about that, you know he knew
Nah, he’s gotta know somethin’ about this Iran-Contra crap

[Nancy]
He didn’t know anything, Patti.
That’s all you have to say.

[Patti]
All I have to say?
Like . . . if some reporter asks me?

[Nancy]
It would be nice if you avoided saying anything about your father if someone does ask
Just ‘til we smooth things over

[Patti]
‘Til you find a way to cover up the crap, you mean
Like that HUD business and, and the Savings and Loans bullshit

[Sung]
Whip [?], [?] gate, ABSCAM

[Spoken]
He didn’t know anything

[Sung]
That’s all I have to say

[Spoken]
That’s why I’m here - for you to tell me to keep my mouth shut?
Well, what if I don’t?
You don’t control me, I’m not one of your servants
You can’t control me, and that’s what’s always pissed you off
You didn’t want me here for some mother/child reunion or fucking Thanksgiving
You wanted me here to tell me to shut up
Well, you can’t shut me up

[Anita]
You have a call

[Nancy]
Ronnie?

[Anita]
Mr. Baker on line two.

[Nancy]
Oh, this will only be a minute, Patti.
Anita, my daughter would like a Jack and Coke

[Anita]
Ice?

[Nancy]
Yes
Thank you

Jim, what are we doing about Don?
We both know he’s not good for the president

But we don’t want him around, Jim

No, there’s no need to talk to Ronnie about this

Jim, we need Don Regan gone. Do you understand?
Good, very good.

And where are we at with Weinberger?
He’s just gotta go, Jim. He’s handling everything all wrong

Yes

Yes, just . . . . plant the seed

Good. Oh, I like that

Oh, yes, I can’t wait for Ronnie to get here
He so needs to get away; we both need the ranch

Oh, you’re very sweet
You have a lovely Thanksgiving, too, Jim
‘Bye, Jim

I’m sorry, Patti, what were you saying?

[Sung]
[Patti]
Mommy’s gonna make things A-Okay
But you gotta do things Mommy’s way
Else she’s gonna run you outta town
Squash you like a bug and shut you down
But if you’re a good girl
Mommy’s nice, fixes you a drink with lots of ice
Do as Mommy says, don’t give her crap
And Mommy will reward you
With a slap
Why’d you use my lipstick?
Damn, don’t do that!
Slap!
Why’d you eat that cookie?
God, you’re too fat
Slap!
Slap!
Why’d you have your period without coming [?]
Now your sheet’s ruined, you think that linen’s free?
Your father can’t be bothered
Won’t you learn?
Slap!
Can’t you see?
Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap!
My Mommy,
Why, Mommy?
What, Mommy?
No, Mommy!
No, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy!
No, Mommy!
No, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy!
[Sobs]

[Spoken]
[Nancy]
He didn’t know anything, Patti
That’s all you had to say; so simple

[Anita]
It worked

[Nancy]
Yes

[Anita]
Should I shoot her?

[Nancy]
That’s plan C

[Both laugh]

[Anita]
She’ll be out for three days, sleep it off at the ranch
Gives you time to do what you need to do

[Nancy]
Three days?
What was in her drink this time?

[Anita]
[Foreign language]
Paraguay Nightshade also called, uh, Blue Potato Bush
And some Stevia for sweetness
[Anita lights up]

[Nancy]
You know I don’t do that
[Inhales] It smells wonderful

[Anita]
Oh, Paraguay manufactures and distributes the largest supply of marijuana in the whole of South America.

[Both laugh]

[Nancy]
Betsy’s thrown so many wonderful parties here - just fun
beatiful things
Bowls of pretty pink roses
Candlelight. Smoked salmon and avocado to start
Then stuffed chicken; boned, stuffed chicken with straw potatoes
Fresh raspberries with the most delicate, tiniest lace cookies
And dancing
Alfred and Betsy, Marian and Earl, Walter and Lee, Ronnie and me

[Sung]
All my friends

[Spoken]
I like it here
I can see Ronnie and me moving back here after we’re done with Washington
Find a nice place in Bel Air close to Betsy and the whole group
Of course, you’ll come, too
It would be nice. Someday. In the future
Oh, a bug
Well, let’s try to make Thanksgiving at the ranch fun this year
I once said, “If you can save just one child, then it’s worth it.”
I believe that
But only sometimes
Is it crazy to think that?