Cats or Dogs

Guys, how many of you guys do not like cats? It's very weird. It's a general rule, very general. Guys don't like cats. And I figured out why guys don't like cats. And I figured this out on acid, alright? I'm not making it up. I want you all to know that right up front.

Guys don't like cats because they associate cats with women. Because, let me tell you something, women are like cats and men are like dogs. It is a microcosm of yin and yang energies in the animal kingdom. Thank you. Yeah, I figured this out. Thank you. Oh no, save your applause. Thank you.

You don't believe me, do you? Alright, you think about it, you think about it, man. No one owns a cat. No one owns a woman. You're the host for the cat. The party's good? She sticks. You're late with the food one day? Fuck you, found things to do, people to see. Same with women. You know what, women got five guys for every girl. They get to take their pick. Baby, you're lucky right now. You got a girl sitting next to you.

What do you think's smarter? Cats or dogs? (audience members: mix of "cats" and "dogs") 'K, let me point something out to you:

Dogs chase balls. They chase sticks. They chase frisbees. They shake. They roll over. They speak. They protect property. They guide the blind.

Cats... do... nothing. They get fed the same amount. Someone's got an angle on life here. And I think it's little pussy shitting on my stairway over here. (mimics cat scream)

Now see, I have a cat and a dog, and I know the cat does nothing all day long 'cause I don't do anything and I watch it. That cat lays around all day long like this: (mimics cat purring) Gets up 30 minutes, eats, takes a shit, and goes back to this: (mimics cat purring) What a busy day! Aw, little pussy had to eat today! Bet you're tuckered out! (mimics cat scream)

But I love it as much as my dog and I feed it as much as my dog. My dog doesn't figure this shit out. "He's the dork! He's the idiot!" Thinks it's his job to protect my apartment. Anyone that walks by, this thing has a coronary arrest, you know? It's amazing, he's just: "(mimics dog barking loudly) Get away! It's Bill's shit! Get away! (mimics dog barking loudly) Get away! It's Bill's shit! Get away!" The cat's going, "Man, it's all insured. Be cool, will ya?"

Can I get another drink over here? Well, enough of that for relationships. I've pissed off every woman here. I'll be going home alone again.