You’ve Never Had it So Good

(The drawing room of the flat in Hyde Park Square belonging to "HOD" DIBBEN and MARIELLA NOVOTNY: it's the delicate hiatus between the end of dinner and the start of the evening's orgy. Among the guests, many of whom are in various states of undress, are WARD, CHRISTINE and MANDY, as well as BILL ASTOR. MARIELLA NOVOTNY, a twenty-year-old buxom blonde, is wearing a black corset with breasts exposed, a garter-belt and black stockings; her husband HOD - a grizzled fifty-five-year-old antique dealer and nightclub owner with sideburns and a leather suit - watches her fondly as she makes the rounds. Coffee is being served from a silver tray by a man, who is naked except for a small, frilly apron, a bow tie and a black mask covering his face and tied at the back.)

[ALL]
Ten years back
Life was grim
Men were dull
Girls were prim
Fogs were thick
Food was bland
Sex was all
In the hand

Our idea
Of obscene:
Early night
Ovaltine
That's all gone
As you see
We're all rich
Love is free

You've never had it so good
You've never had it so often
Go and do what you never could
A brand new brother and sisterhood
You've never had it so good

[WARD]
By the way, did you see Joseph Kennedy had a massive stroke?

[HOD]
No!

[ASTOR]
He's a great friend of my mother's. Used to come 'round all the time during the war, they had quite a lot in common

[WARD]
Oh, yes? What?

[ASTOR]
Both frightfully keen on Hitler

(Laughter)

[HOD]
Mariella had a dallience with the President, didn't you, dear?

[MARIELLA]
Yes, at the Hampshire House on Central Park. Good-looking fellow

[WARD]
Really? What was he like?

[MARIELLA]
Bit preoccupied. Still, he gave me a hundred dollars. Worked out about seventy-five dollars a minute

[GROUP]
Do you like
S&M?

[GROUP]
I don't mind
One of them

[GROUP]
Here, you can
Have it off

[GROUP]
With some old
English toff

[CHRISTINE AND MANDY]
Who is that
In the mask?

[GROUP]
They won't say
So don't ask

[GROUP]
Could be some
Royal duke

[GROUP]
Possibly
King Farouk

[ALL]
You've never had it so good
You've never had it so often
Chelsea's buzzing like Hollywood
In Mayfair it's well understood
You've never had it so good

(THE MAN IN THE MASK pauses in front of MARIELLA.)

[MAN IN MASK]
I hope everything is to your satisfaction, mistress!

[MARIELLA]
Why are you interrupting? Did I ask you to stick your oar in?

[MAN IN MASK]
No, mistress! Sorry, mistress!

[MARIELLA]
And where's the white sugar?

[MAN IN MASK]
I thought people preferred brown with their coffee!

[MARIELLA]
You thought? You thought?! Who asked you to think?!

[MAN IN MASK]
Nobody, mistress!

[MARIELLA]
Go in the kitchen! Bill will be in to chastise you in a minute, won't you, Bill?

[ASTOR]
Whatever you say, Mariella

[MAN IN MASK]
Oh, thank you, mistress!

[MARIELLA]
You won't thank me when Bill's finished with you

(THE MAN IN THE MASK scurries off; and MARIELLA taps her cup with a spoon for silence.)

[MARIELLA]
I'm blowing the whistle for the kickoff! Here we go! It's everybody's lucky day!

(Whistle)

(A kind of courtly dance begins, as the orgy gets under way.)

[ALL]
(with some lines sung by parts of the group)
Pair off!
It's time to pair off!
The whistle goes, and they're off!

Now's the time for you to show your mettle!
Last one with their clothes off boils the kettle

Spanking!
I'm all for spanking!
Which stranger am I thanking?

You'll feel so good
Once you've got all your clothes off
You'll find you are ready for anything!

I'm saying, one thing's for sure
You are not going to doze off
It's down on your knees
But no praying!

Stroke me!
Somebody stroke me!
Punish me, prod and poke me!
Smother me in strawberries and lick me!
Bring out your embroidery and prick me!

Use me!
Come on and use me!
Don't hang about - abuse me!

Just wave goodbye
To those dull inhibitions
You just have to be ready for anything!

Get started!

It's time to try
Those ambitious positions
The ones that scare off the faint-hearted

You've never had it so good
You've never had it so often
Go and do what you never could
A brand new brother and sisterhood
You've never had it so
Good!

You've never had it so good!

(Total abandon.)