Give Us Something Juicy

(An office in the "News of the World" building. CHRISTINE sits, out of her depth and a little uncomfortable, as three JOURNALISTS circle her, notepads in hand. A reel-to-reel tape recorder is on. CHRISTINE aims for (but fails to achieve) a tone of jaunty indifference.)

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
Give us something juicy

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
What was Jack like in bed?

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
If it's really juicy
It could make you rich!

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
Make it nice and fruity
Tell us what Astor said
How did he persuade you
When he got the itch?

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
Who came in the front as
You slipped Jack out the back
Any chance it could have been a Russian spy?

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
Did you mention missiles
In the sack with old Jack?
Was Ivanov chatty when he stroked your thigh?

[CHRISTINE]
Ivanov?

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
You heard me

[CHRISTINE]
Hang about
What's your game?
Where did you
Get that name?

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
What's it matter, love?

[CHRISTINE]
I thought I was here to talk about Johnny Edgecombe!

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
You're here to talk about whatever we want you to talk about!

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
Such as whether you discussed matters of national security when you were in bed with the Minister for War?

[CHRISTINE]
When he gave
Way to lust
Missiles weren't
Much discussed

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
And Ivanov?

[CHRISTINE]
Eugene was a very big vodka man
He'd have ten for the road
And then things would never go quite to plan
I don't think that he ever shot his load!

(Laughter from the JOURNALISTS)

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
Whoa, there!

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
That's not what we want to hear!

[CHRISTINE]
It only happened the once at the very most, and we were both so drunk, neither of us could really remember what we'd done! Surely we owe your readers the truth, don't we?

(More laughter from the JOURNALISTS.)

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
Don't be bloody stupid!

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
Where's the fun reading that?

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
We need something juicy
For the papers to sell!

Never mind what happened
They want tit, they want tat
He may not have fucked you, Christine
What the hell?

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
We owe it to our readers
"All the news fit to print"
That is our proud credo
On the street of shame

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
Play your cards right, darling
Or you could end up skint
Do you want the gutter
Or a life of fame?

[CHRISTINE]
You wanted my story
You promised me glory
Never told me I was going to have to lie!

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
You don't understand
It's twenty-four grand
"News of the World" readers set their sights quite high!

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
Without something juicy
This ain't worth thirty bob

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
We'll do all the writing
It's a piece of cake!

[ALL JOURNALISTS]
Tell us something juicy
Come on, love
Do your job

[FIRST JOURNALIST]
Orgies

[SECOND JOURNALIST]
Niggers

[THIRD JOURNALIST]
Warheads

[ALL JOURNALISTS]
Real news, for Christ's sake!

Tell us something juicy
Come on, love
Do your job
Orgies
Niggers
Warheads
Real news, for Christ's sake!
Orgies
Niggers
Warheads
Real news, for Christ's sake!