WSNO

That was "I love you" and this is WSNO, Radio Snow, broadcasting from that cold cold place in your heart. The coldness of your heart. And you've tuned in just in time for the secret believers walkie-talk-o-thon, that's right. You've been telling your secrets to WSNO for twenty-three years now… 'cause you know that if Radio Snow doesn't believe you, nobody will. And if nobody believes you, well then, we fucking will. If you can't say it in English then you're not lying. If you can't say it at all then scream it. If you can't scream it, fake it. If you can't fake it, shake it, shake it into your legs, break it out on the floor! Do we have a caller? You're live, you're on the air, what's your name?

This is agent Tremble, secret agent, double agent Tremble, reporting to HQ, 'eporting to HQ, 'ting to HQ, 'ing to HQ

Woah there! Why don't you slow down? Take a deep breath. And tell our listeners what you're name is

Misty…

And where are you calling from, Misty?

Kelso, Washington

Okay Misty, go, g-g-go!

Hi, this is Misty. Err… am I coming through okay? Okay. I really like your show! I listen to the secret believers every week and… well I have a secret. Am I out of time? I… I can hang up and call back. M… Maybe I should hang up and call back. Okay. Um… my… me and my dad and my mom, this is before my mom was dead. We were in this motel… and… I was in the bathroom with my mom and my dad with… in the living room, in the bed room… watching TV and… my mom was giving me a bath, this is back before… yeah… And… there wasn't very much water in the bathtub on account of I was short, I was a baby. And… my dad was watching TV and… there was this thing in the water! I… it was kind of coming up and… it touched against my leg and then it moved back and it's coming kind of hit up on my leg again and I'm not… not sure exactly what it was…

I was the human girl. I was the human girl. I was the human girl

But, I think it might have been a… washcloth maybe… I don't know it was a long time ago, I don't really remember. I guess that's not really a secret, is it? More like a thing I remember

Misty! You're feeding back. You might wanna step away from the radio. T… Take a step away

Oh… okay

That's it. Now take it apart, that's right, take it apart… 'cause inside every radio, there's a little tiny… motel… and a little tiny… baby girl… and a little little… washcloth. Of course it was, if you say so, I believe you… but that's not all there is, inside every radio there's a little tiny… planet earth, and a little tiny… rocket-ship, and a little little you and a little me and a little sign that says "keep it dirty". Keep it dirty baby, keep it dirty. Here you go!

This is agent Tremble, secret agent, double agent Tremble, reporting to HQ, 'eporting to HQ, 'ting to HQ, 'ing to HQ. The experiment was successful I remember nothing and I am so unpopular

Emm… can I go again? I was thinking about that thing that I said before and um… I think I said the wrong secret. Truth is, it's cold where I am. Do you wanna come over here? No, I don't think so! There's only one sound in my life, and it sounds like this: shhh, shhh, shhh. Do you like that sound? Is that a nice sound? No, I don't think so! So… I met this guy. His name is Russ, he's the athletic type. Is Russ listening tonight? No, I don't think so! Do you think I have a good body? In your opinion, is my body nice? No, I don't think so! Does Russ like my body? No! Is Russ even listening? No! Not that I'd care. Do you wanna meet my mom? She died in a house-fire. D'you still wanna meet her? Oh, I don't think so! This is the only sound, shhh, shhh, shhh, it's the sound of my mom, she died in a house-fire, shhh, shhh, shhh, I know it's tragic. Do I feel like talking about it? Do I even trust anybody out there? No, I don't think so!

I am so unpopular and I remember nothing but whats written on my hand. It says here "Find your body double"

Agent Tremble? Do you believe in true love?

True love never dies, true love never dies, true love never dies

Agent Tremble? What do you remember?

I do recall me and my mother in the bathroom…

Nothing!

Father's in the other room… the bedroom… watching television…

Nothing!

And mother's giving me my little bath and I'm very short, I am a baby, there's something in the water, I think it might be a hahahahahahaha

Agent Tremble? What do you remember?

I remember nothing

And you will?

Find my body double

And true love?

Never dies, never dies, never dies

Thank you, agent Tremble, one of our forgotten but never left behind. And you're listening to the secret believers walkie-talk-o-thon. What is the secret news from your secret life? You are secretly… fat. Secretly… famous. Secretly… not horny at all! You are! you are! you are! secretly… not fat. Secretly… not famous. Secretly… horny all the time! You are! you are! you are our next caller!

Hi, this is Misty again. From Kelso. I know I'm calling kind of a lot. Would it be okay if I read a letter on the air?

Is a secret letter?

Hum, kind of it is. Yeah… okay. Dear Russ, would you please touch me? If you would touch me on the leg, that would be good. I'm sorry that you'll have to drown to touch me, on account of the fact that I am a submarine, but I really want it bad! Love, Misty. PS: Could you please show this letter to all your friends? Nothing embarrasses me on account of the fact that I am alive. PPS: Touch me!