Lena Beamish

[beep, ta ta ta, du du du]

Okay. I'll… I'll be the TV talk show host and… you can be… the… the live viewing audience and… the special guest! Okay. I'll… I'll be the special guest and y… you… and I'll be the TV talk show host and you can… okay wait… okay. I'll be the TV talk show host and you… and I'll be the… live viewing audience… and you… and I'll be the special guest and you can be… the… home viewing audience. Watching the show on TV at home. You're like the mom! Okay? That's good you get to be the mom! No? Y… You have the good part cuz' you're the real person. See I'm just TV, you could turn me off and I'd be dead! Okay? I… Watch me now!

Our next guests all come from the same family and all have no sensation of physical pain. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beamish family: Lena, Patrick and Martin Beamish! Okay now let me see if I understand this. You kids were born with a congenital condition that prevents you from sensing pain the way a normal person would. Did I get that right? All right now before you folks [kids] decide that these kids [folks] are lucky I want you to take a look at their arms and legs. Could we get a close-up here in these bruises? Look, what's this, Lena has a cut on her forehead and… what did you do there Martin, trying saw your legs off? [fake laughs] Okay kids, take a seat. Now I wanna ask you, how do you know when you're hurt if you can't feel physical pain?

LENA? I see the blood
PATRICK? I see the blood
AND MARTIN? I see the blood

And what does it feel like to bleed [die], I mean it doesn't hurt, right?

LENA? It feels wet
PATRICK? It feels wet
AND MARTIN? It feels wet

Oh I bet it does! And d'you think you do more daredevil stunts than you would if you could feel pain?

LENA? Yes I'm a real daredevil sir
PATRICK? Yes I'm a real daredevil sir
AND MARTIN? Yes I'm a real daredevil sir

I'm sure you are! Okay kids, now in all honesty, knowing you have this unfair advantage, have you ever placed a bet on a dangerous stunt, just to make a buck?

LENA? Yes sir I'm afraid I have
PATRICK? Yes sir I'm afraid I have
AND MARTIN? Yes sir I'm afraid I have

Oh I guess it wouldn't do any good to spank you, would it? [fake laughs]

No sir
No sir
No sir

Okay now we've rigged a harmless little experiment to prove to some of our most skeptical audience members that you kids truly [feel my pain] have no sensation of physical pain. Each of the children's chairs has been wired with an electro-shock apparatus. The shock causes an intense temporary pain, the kind of pain that would cause most of us to yell or scream out. Okay then, here we go! Two… three… four…

[slow creepy music and creepy laughs]

LENA? [buzz]
PATRICK? [buzz]
AND MARTIN? [buzz]

[LOUD SCREAM]

Martin? Martin flinched! Well, I'm sure this comes as a great surprise to our viewing audience, I know I'm surprised! Are you surprised Lena?

Very surprised sir
PATRICK? Very surprised sir
AND MARTIN? I'm sorry I didn't know how to tell you
LENA? We thought you were like us
PATRICK? Yes we thought you were like us
AND MARTIN? I am, I'm a daredevil
LENA? But it's not the same!
PATRICK? No it's not the same anymore!
AND MARTIN? But what's the difference if nobody knows?
LENA? We're on TV, everybody knows!
PATRICK? Yes everybody knows!
AND MARTIN? But I can do the stunts!
LENA? Martin, we're not three anymore!
PATRICK? Yes it's not good if we're not three!
AND MARTIN? But I can burn without screaming!
LENA? But if it hurts there's no trick!
PATRICK? Yes there's no trick if it hurts!
AND MARTIN? Well it's a different sort of trick
LENA? It's boring trick!
PATRICK? Yes it's a boring trick!
AND MARTIN? It's a good trick!
LENA? But Martin, there's no magic in two!
PATRICK? There's no magic! -agic! -agic! huh! There's no magic in two, only in three! three! three! three! [gets stuck on repeat]

But… but hello there young Patrick! Patrick? Are you feeling okay?

LENA? Would you have a 9 volt battery sir? Martin, did you bring the charger?
PATRICK? Three! three! No. I. Am. Sorry. Lena. Na. Na. Na. [gets stuck on repeat]
AND MARTIN? I forgot to recharge him, Lena, I just totally forgot!

Forgot to recharge him? Well I'll be! Folks, it looks like we've been taken for a ride. Kids I think you owe our viewing audience an explanation

LENA? It wasn't all my fault, Martin built him!
PATRICK? Na. Na. Ah. I. Am. Patrick. -trick. -trick. -trick. [gets stuck on repeat]
AND MARTIN? I was just doing what Lena told me to!
LENA? Well… it was no good with just me and Martin, there had to be three of us!

Three of you, eh? Well you'll have to count Patrick out because he's not a real boy!

LENA? Yes but nobody will remember

And Martin failed the test so

LENA? Yes but nobody will remember

So you're actually the only one who can't feel pain?

LENA? Yes but it's no good being just one. One of anything is a terrible thing to be, but two of the same thing is twins. So I said to my brother Martin, will you pretend to be like me? I'm gonna ask you "do you feel pain" and you say "no" and I said "do you feel pain" and he said "no" and then we were twins! And we practiced our daredevils stunts all day long, like burning without screaming, and crossing without looking, and watching TV, and slamming the door on our hands again, ah! again, ah! again, ah! But it was no good. There's no magic trick in two. But three's a charm. And plus there's money in three. We are children, we need lots and lots of money for our little children's games. So Martin built Patrick. Patrick takes a 9 volt battery and he truly can't feel it, he isn't a faker like Martin, no offense Martin! Martin built Patrick. And Patrick is just like me. We don't feel it…

LENA? Yes sir
PATRICK? Yes sir
AND MARTIN? Sir
LENA? Sir
PATRICK? Sir
AND LENA? Huh
LENA? Huh
LENA? Huh, du
AND LENA? Du du du, du la du la du…