voo vak welcome

[Intro: simplespeak/brains/rage/bulb]
CHRIS: When ye tongue but slip-slap daft round simplespeak, and people stare, and mock, while you go judge June...
When monkey cease to sing, though you carve slot in head, and slip in so much coins that brainy gloop did ooze therefrom... ah. I see. Yes.
VOICE: Happy birthday...
CHRIS: When ee magma so rage in stomach, yet only feeble birds fly out of gob...
And when ee gloom, so flicky switch, then find oo bulb be bulb that only suck the light from room... oh, bloody hell...
Then ee welcome.
Oi, voovac welcome, in Blue Jam (echoes)
VOICE: Everybody, happy birthday!

[Kids Party / Ping Pong]
[Tricky - Overcome]
PARENT: Kids' parties are always a bit of a nightmare. I just thought I'd hire a girl to fire ping-pong balls out of her fanny. For the dads, really. The kids don't seem to mind.

[Common - Reminding Me (Of Sef)]

[Lamacq Sting]
VOICE: Radio One.
SYNTHESISED: I can see Steve Lamacq
HIGH VOICE: Lamacq.
SYNTHESISED: As a frail old man in a wheelchair
VOICE: Huh!
SYNTHESISED: Trying to shake hands with an elephant.
(simian laughter)

[Doctor: Distractingly Ugly]
DR PERLIN: Come in. Ah yes, come in, sit down. Okay, so what seems to be the trouble?
MAN: It's a sore throat, I've had it for about a week now.
DR PERLIN: Okay, just open your mouth for me. Say "aah."
MAN: Aah...
DR PERLIN: And again...
MAN: Aaahh...
DR PERLIN: ...I'm sorry, um, I'm finding this very difficult.
MAN: Sorry?
DR PERLIN: Well, you're really putting me off.
MAN: ...
DR PERLIN: It's your face.
MAN: ...My face?
DR PERLIN: Well, it is really pretty ugly. I just can't think straight with that in front of me.
MAN: Right...
DR PERLIN: Looks like a mortared cowpat.
MAN: I'm sorry...
DR PERLIN: I can't deal with this. You'll have to see Doctor Harris.
MAN: Doctor Harris?
DR PERLIN: Yeah, his eyesight's appalling. Sarah will sort you out in reception.
MAN: Okay... thanks... Bye.
DR PERLIN: Yeah, bye... Hello, Sarah? Close your eyes, he's coming back out. Okay. Dear me...

[Morcheeba - Moog Island]

[Lawyer I: Rape / AIDS]
LAWYER: My attitude would be no. You raped this woman in good faith. Did she tell you she had AIDS?
CLIENT: ...No.
LAWYER: Right, well, I think you're entitled to compensation for that.
CLIENT: Um...
LAWYER: So, with your permission, I'll start working on the case straight away.
CLIENT: All right.
LAWYER: Okay, thanks very much.
CLIENT: Not at all.
LAWYER: Cheers. I won't shake hands, if you don't mind.
CLIENT: ...
LAWYER: Okay, bye.

[Monologue: Acting / The London Dungeon Job]
HIM: I had spent the night outside the door of the London dungeon, in case I woke up and forgot I was supposed to be in there in the morning. It was my first job in ten months. It was too cold to sleep, so I passed the hours clinging to a bollard. I thought it might be warm because of its internal bulb. An early morning rollerblader had just piled into my back, because all the bollard's light was going up my coat. I crawled to where she lay twitching, and stuffed my hands up her shirt. "What are you doing?" she gasped. Something in her tone told me that "Warming up my hands" was not a good enough reason. "Looking for biscuits," I said. I did warm up slightly as she kicked me around the dawn. Some hours later, two actors arrived. They were friends of Susie, who had wangled me this job. I couldn't remember if I'd met them before, but they jammed a cigarette in my mouth. As they led me to the dungeon, they both introduced themselves as Paul, and then started arguing whether it was better to be workshopping with Polukov, or trapped in a burning car. They asked me what I'd been doing. "Directing traffic," I said, I thought rather wryly. "Great flyers," said the first Paul, and offered the opinion that though Traffic was a mediocre play, it had been very well promoted. In the dungeon there was an office, where a manager was sitting. He looked at me, and said "Who are you?" "Pay checks," I mumbled. I used to remember my name by looking at my pay checks. "Ah, you must be that friend of Susie's." "May I suggest that the best rôle for our supporting artist would be the victim?" piped Paul. "Good idea," said the manager. "Show him what to do." Paul and Paul took me to a dirty small room. They told me to strip, and gave me a damp, blood-stained loin cloth, as they changed into their leathery outfits and limbered up, cracking their knuckles and swinging their arms around. "By the way," said Paul, "you're a Jesuit." "Am I?" I asked. "Yes." I'm pretty sure I'm not a Jesuit, but Paul continued. You're called Anthony. You were tortured to death in 1563 for being a Jesuit, and beating the Queen's champion at real tennis. "Is this a game?" I said. In a dark, stone-walled room, they told me to lie on a large wooden table. They bound my hands and feet with ropes that ran on to capstones at either end. I felt reasonably comfortable, and considered a doze, then a large group of people trooped in and the Pauls suddenly turned nasty. They snarled and cursed, and started cranking the ropes, and shouting at me for being a Catholic and plotting treason against the Crown. I had no idea I'd done any of these things. "Confess, you Romish pumpkin!" They seemed very angry. "It was cold," I stammered, "but up her shirt it was warm." Some of the visitors laughed. Paul shouted, "See how the coribund does most gibberously protest!" and applied a pair of Elizabethan pliers to my groin. "Name your co-conspirators, divoshed Papal wart!" At the end of the first session there was a ripple of applause, and the Pauls went for a smoke. "Why did you shout at me?" I said. "Trying to upstage people is not clever," said one. "Luckily, it wasn't at all amusing, and I contained you," said the other. "Can I get off now?" I wondered, but they were too busy shaking their heads and tutting the word "Birkoff." When they came back, a larger crowd had gathered. The screaming and cranking started again, and I began to feel faint. They threatened to cut open my belly, unwind my entrails and stuff them in my face unless I purged my filthy soul. As I thrashed and blubbed, I noticed a little girl in the audience, gaping in innocent fascination. A dam broke quietly in my belly. Suddenly, words were flying from my mouth. "Stop the pain, I'll tell you everything!" I shouted, remembering the time I had taken a Polaroid of my cock and put it in the maths teacher's briefcase, causing him to be fired, and then severely mauled while on remand in Brixton prison. I confessed again, that I had wandered into a children's park, under the influence of Prozac, and had beaten up an ostrich while several toddlers looked on and cried. "Please forgive me, for I know not what I do," I heard myself splutter, before finally describing how I had once broken into a farm, and tarred and feathered a pig. The Pauls stopped. The audience stared. I begged the little girl to kill me. She left with her mother shortly afterwards. The other people went away. The manager wasn't pleased. He sent me off with a note for Susie pinned to my jacket. "Don't ever send rubbish like this again," it said. As I left the building and looked at the river, the Pauls told me I was the worst disaster since Stephen Fry.

[Bad Sex II]
HER: Mm... mm... oh... yeah? Yeah?
HIM: Whack my bonobo...
HER: Oh...
HIM: Ah! Whack my bonobo!
HER: Uh!
HIM: Oh! Whack it, whack my bonobo!
HER: Push your balls up my nose... mmph... mmbnffph...
HIM: Mm.
HER: Gurgle my Gladys.
HIM: Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h...
HER: Cackle my Gladys...
HIM: Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h...
HER: Cackle my Gladys...
HIM: Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h...
HER: Oh, more feeble Brenda...
HIM: Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h...
HER: More... more feeble Brenda... oh... introduce me to Gladstone...
HIM: Hello!
HER: Oh!
HIM: Disagree with my balls!
HER: PAH-CAAH! AAH!
HIM: Disagree! Really argue! Object! Object! Oh!
HER: Um-um-um-um! Shit your leg off.
HIM: ...
HER: Shit your leg off.
HIM: Yeah?
HER: Come on...
HIM: Nngh...
HER: Come on...
HIM: ...nnnnnnnggghhhh... Oh! Oh! Aah!
HER: Oh, my god... Make your spunk come out green. God, I love it when your spunk comes out green...
HIM: Yeah?
HER: Yeah, get it green. Come on, green spunky...
HIM: Nnnn...
HER: Come on, green, green, make it green, come on, make it come out green, make it come out green!
HIM: Nnnn... I... I can't...
HER: I want it green, I want it green, I want it green!
HIM: I can't...
HER: I want it green, I want... (sobs)
HIM: (sobs) I'm sorry... oh...
HER: (sobs)
HIM: (sobs) My leg... what am I going to do with my leg!?

[Beck - Beercan]

[Mark Radcliffe Sting: Memorial]
VOICE: Radio 1 / And in the alley where they found Mark Radcliffe / There is a statue of a large black maggot / In memory of what they did to him.

[Reclutant Newsagent / Ballpoint]
NEWSAGENT: Morning, sir.
MAN: Yeah, hi. Could I have twenty Silk Cut, please, a lighter, and a Standard?
NEWSAGENT: Standard...
MAN: Please. And have you got a black ball-point pen?
NEWSAGENT: One of these?
MAN: Yeah, could I have one of those, please?
NEWSAGENT: No.
MAN: ...No?
NEWSAGENT: No, sir.
MAN: ...Oh, right. Well, just the cigarettes, the lighter and the paper, then.
NEWSAGENT: Four pounds and 67 pence, please.
MAN: Here you are.
NEWSAGENT: Cheers.
MAN: Um, about the pen, I was just wondering...
NEWSAGENT: No.
MAN: Right, okay. Right. Bye.
NEWSAGENT: Goodbye.

[The Velvet Underground & Nico - I'll Be Your Mirror]

[Mayo Sting]
SYNTHESISED: Radio One / And in the distance / I could see a giant Si / mon Mayo / crashing round / the funfair and pissing on the fleeing women's heads.

[Stolen Children Helpline]
[DJ Food - Turtle Soup]
MRS WARREN (VO): It's a family business. I run it jointly with my husband and our daughter Patsy. The past six or so years of course, have been very involved. Taking calls, offering advice, and, er, taking part in the whole business side of things.
PATSY (VO): Mm...
MR WARREN (VO): Basically it's a helpline service, um, for people who steal children.
MRS WARREN (VO): Help I wish we'd had when we stole Patsy.
PATSY (VO): ...me, yes.
MR WARREN (VO): She was two and a half months old, we hadn't the foggiest what to do...
(phone rings)
PATSY: Hello, Patsy Warren? Okay, how long have you had her? And she's still asking for Mummy?
MRS WARREN (VO): The first thing is, make the child reject the parents you've taken it from.
PATSY: Something like, "they said they didn't want to see you any more, they said they hated you," that's usually...
MRS WARREN (VO): And then we can encourage the parents who took the little child from the original parents to pretend to be the original parents. MR WARREN (VO): Yeah.
MRS WARREN (VO): With Patsy, we made masks from enlarged photos of her original parents, and then wore the mask. Cut a little bit off each day until your face has replaced the photo.
PATSY (VO): You can usually get a photo from the local paper, can't you...
MR WARREN (VO): Mm, yes.
PATSY (VO): Running a story on the problem.
PATSY: Yeah, okay, well, then you've just got to convince them that they don't exist.
MRS WARREN (VO): And the third thing you can do is play with the child's mind a little bit. Just to give them the idea that their original parents are an unreality, that, um, they just imagined it.
PATSY: Er, have you tried, um, LSD?
MR WARREN (VO): When we first started, our methods were very crude...
PATSY (VO): Like what you did to me!
MR WARREN (VO): Yeah, I'd just drop you on your head...
MRS WARREN (VO): He ended up smashing you against the bath. I'm very glad that I stopped you when I did.
PATSY (VO): I don't...
MR WARREN (VO): Well, so am I, actually. Oh, you've forgotten that, have you? Aww.
MR WARREN: Hello, Mrs Thatchet? It's the police.
MRS WARREN (VO): Often we have to talk to the original parents to find out about the child's special needs.
MR WARREN: Um, I did have a couple of questions, in case we find little Martin... yes. He wears glasses, I think, doesn't he? ...Mm-hmm. What sort? ...Maybe we should have those. Could I come and pick them up tomorrow? ...Oh, good.
MRS WARREN (VO): Sometimes they're so all over the shop, you strike gold.
MR WARREN (VO): Oh yes, they'll give you everything.
MR WARREN: A cot... has that got a mobile with it?
MR WARREN (VO): This is a great money-saving tip for anyone who's thinking of stealing a child. Just getting the original parents to supply you with all of the baby clothes.
MRS WARREN (VO): But that's a risky thing. You ran into trouble, didn't you?
MR WARREN (VO): Yes, I had to get in touch with some original parents once, and, um, they became rather suspicious of me, and, so what we did, we broke into their house and we, er, jammed a child's pelvis down the toilet.
MRS WARREN (VO): You should say...
MR WARREN (VO): We had a friend in the Ethiopian famine at the time, and we succeeded in getting those parents put away. So that dealt with them.
INTERVIEWER (VO): So how did you find out you were stolen?
PATSY (VO): Um... I found out when I was eight, and mum and dad here told me, and...
INTERVIEWER (VO): How did you feel?
PATSY (VO): Um, it felt a bit funny at first, but sort of... I like being different, really. I just told my first boyfriend that I'd been stolen...
INTERVIEWER (VO): And what was his reaction?
PATSY (VO): Um, he really wanted to sleep with me.
MRS WARREN (VO): We would prefer it if Patsy were to steal a child, rather than, er, get a child in that way.
MR WARREN (VO): Yeah. We're hoping that one day soon she'll...
PATSY (VO): Yeah...
MR WARREN (VO): ...she'll go out and steal us a grandchild of our own, but...
PATSY (VO): I was... I was two years younger than you when you stole me.
MR WARREN (VO): Don't want to leave it too late...
PATSY (VO): People are doing it older nowadays now... well... you regret it.

[Portishead - Sour Times]

[Interview: Andrew Morton]
CHRIS: Now, first of all, remind me. How do I say your name again?
ANDREW MORTON: My name's Andrew Morton.
CHRIS: And that's it?
ANDREW MORTON: ...I hope so, yes.
CHRIS: Okay, let's look at the book. New edition. Here it is. First of all, its size. It actually looks bigger than it is, which is quite a crafty move. Was that the intention?
ANDREW MORTON: Well, it is a big... it's a lot bigger than...
CHRIS: Than it is...
ANDREW MORTON: ...than the original one...
CHRIS: Yes, but it does look bigger than it is, as well. I mean, I'm not comparing it to the original, I'm just saying here's a book, you see it in the shop, and it actually looks bigger than it is.
ANDREW MORTON: Well, I'm glad you think that.
CHRIS: Was that the intention?
ANDREW MORTON: Well, the intention was just to print a...
CHRIS: Print a book?
ANDREW MORTON: ...a book of her life...
CHRIS: I mean, two thirds of the way through, having thought it's bigger than it is, you come to realise it's actually bigger than you thought it was.
ANDREW MORTON: Um...
CHRIS: Because it is... it's carefully constructed, isn't it?
ANDREW MORTON: I think it's constructed in a... a...
CHRIS: Really?
ANDREW MORTON: In a...
CHRIS: I suppose the tragedy is you have to be...
ANDREW MORTON: You have to be what?
CHRIS: Mm. Now, looking at the way the book works, you seem to put your finger on things.
ANDREW MORTON: Well, what I try to do, I...
CHRIS: Let me give you an example.
ANDREW MORTON: Sorry, go on.
CHRIS: "The..." Here we are, "the tectonic plates which underpin society having shifted culturally, socially and politically in the previous few years." Now that describes exactly what happened after Diana's death. So many people struggled to put their finger on that. Was it something you worked on, or did it just come out? I mean, how on earth..?
ANDREW MORTON: Well, I... I...
CHRIS: "The tectonic plates which underpin society having shifted culturally, socially and politically in the previous few years."
ANDREW MORTON: Well, several people have made that same... have made a similar observation.
CHRIS: Well, they've made a bosh! Generally looked quite silly.
ANDREW MORTON: Well, to my mind, it seems we've seen a major shift in our society, and...
CHRIS: So, your mind... So your mind, when we look back to, say, 1982, thinks hey, wait a minute, things are actually rather different?
ANDREW MORTON: Yes, I certainly... I see the change quite profoundly. You can see, if you look at the news footage...
CHRIS: It is the tectonic plates which underpin society that have shifted culturally, socially and politically...
ANDREW MORTON: I mean, I felt that quite profoundly.
CHRIS: And you thought, it's the tectonics here! The...
ANDREW MORTON: Well, I mean that's...
CHRIS: The history is important, isn't it? What would it be like if we didn't have history?
ANDREW MORTON: Well, I think we'd have a rather shallow society. I mean...
CHRIS: Well, you're a historian. Is it the facts, is it the events, is it the words, is it the feeling of the words, or the evidence?
ANDREW MORTON: I think it's the...
CHRIS: Which of these is the first?
ANDREW MORTON: I think the first is the evidence.
CHRIS: You can have evidence without actually any event?
ANDREW MORTON: Well, evidence about the events. What I mean is that...
CHRIS: What if events defeat evidence?
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: Now, in the balance, I suppose, and particularly away from the heat of two months ago, I think the balance is that Andy Morton is a decent guy. What I want to know is how you feel about other people who are feeding off the same... carcass? The people who make computer games like Last Chase, where you are playing a paparazzo, chasing a car through a tunnel. Subtitle of the game, Snap the Dying Bitch, you know.
ANDREW MORTON: Does that really exist!?
CHRIS: Well, it's on the internet, isn't it...
ANDREW MORTON: Good grief!
CHRIS: Guess which country that comes from.
ANDREW MORTON: Er, America.
CHRIS: Right.
ANDREW MORTON: Well, I just hope that nobody buys it, that's all I hope.
CHRIS: But there are people in clubs, you know. There's a Diana zombie doll, I mean...
ANDREW MORTON: I... I don't see where you're comparing my book with something like that.
CHRIS: What's your moral position on last chase?
ANDREW MORTON: I mean, I find them fairly abhorrent. Because it's... all you're doing is exploiting somebody's death. Um...
CHRIS: Mm... I just wondered if I could read a section of the book. ...Okay?
ANDREW MORTON: Yeah.
CHRIS: Right.
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...
ANDREW MORTON: Are you done?
CHRIS: Ssh!
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: It's just longer than I thought, actually, hang on...
ANDREW MORTON: Sorry, you want to..?
CHRIS: I'm reading it now, I'm nearly finished.
ANDREW MORTON: Ah, he is reading it...
CHRIS: I need quiet while I'm doing this, otherwise I get put off.
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...I had to start again there, because you spoke while I was reading.
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...Andrew?
ANDREW MORTON: What?
CHRIS: Thank you...
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: There's still a noise there. You're still making a sort of... Were you doing something with you pen?
ANDREW MORTON: I'm absolutely silent.
CHRIS: I'm just getting down to "break her heart," okay?
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: ...
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: Very good, nearly there.
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: Good boy. Ooh, hang on, a little creak there, hang on. Just do that last sentence again...
ANDREW MORTON: ...
CHRIS: Good, thank you very much.

[Olive - Miracle]

[Lawyer II: Mother]
LAWYER: I'm not saying there's any doubt that you did murder him. What I'm saying is that you have grounds for a case against your mother because of that. I think you can sue your mother for not aborting you. Because if she had aborted you, I hardly think you would have been able to commit this, er, brutal murder.
CLIENT: Okay...
LAWYER: So, if you want, I shall commence work on that case straight away.
CLIENT: All right, thanks.
LAWYER: Not at all.

[Lawyer III: Inconsideration]
LAWYER: And I think you have legitimate grounds for taking this to court. You were at the scene of the train crash about two minutes after it happened, and you were very deeply upset by what you saw. So, we can seek compensation from any of the crash participants who behaved in such a way as to cause that heart attack. Did you see any of them making any effort to hide their wounds?
CLIENT: No...
LAWYER: Right. One man actually died in front of you, in a disgusting and uninhibited way. So you can sue his estate for that.
CLIENT: Right...
LAWYER: And compounding the evil, two victims then rehorrified you by appearing on television one evening.
CLIENT: Well, I suppose they did...
LAWYER: Yes, and I think that's very inconsiderate. So, why don't we start work on this one tomorrow morning?
CLIENT: Okay, thanks very much.
LAWYER: Not at all.

[The Divine Comedy - Ten Seconds to Midnight]

[Outro: simplespeak/brains/rage/bulb]
CHRIS: When ye tongue but slip-slap daft round simplespeak, and people stare, and mock, while you go judge June...
When monkey cease to sing, though you carve slot in head, and slip in so much coins that brainy gloop did ooze therefrom... ah. I see. Yes.
VOICE: Happy birthday...
CHRIS: When ee magma so rage in stomach, yet only feeble birds fly out of gob...
And when ee gloom, so flicky switch, then find oo bulb be bulb that only suck the light from room... oh, bloody hell...
Then ee welcome.
Oi, voovac welcome, in Blue Jam (echoes)
VOICE: Everybody, happy birthday!

[Interview: Andrew Morton (Reprise / Outtake)]
CHRIS: What about, um, what about you signing a copy of the book, dedicating it to William and Harry, and we could send the book to Eton to be presented to the boys by a Diana lookalike?
ANDREW MORTON: Well, I mean that's... I really can't...