oo vudge welcome

[Intro: footsack/infect/turnip/cessjophy]
When you footsack be bootsack, van kick sharp in gob, while you wish satsuma.
When oo hands be warm, but only due ouraging infect of the blood, the skin, the nail, the bone and the tissue, bacteri bacteri oh la la rouge...
Well so look at you, screaming and shouting like an angry turnip, ooh, fucked up ridiculant, most foolant to yourselfen, and I have no sympathy, oop turnip...
And when all oo remaining joy lies unnoticed in one shrivelled cell, in the bog-bottom of the very bum-tube of ee cessjophy...
Then welcome.
Oo vudge welcome, in Blue Jam (Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Blue Jam)

[Transplants III: Little Girl Balls]
GRAHAM: My name is Graham Shive. I'm a computer salesman
ALISON: I'm Alison Shive, and this is our daughter Judy.
JUDY: Hello.
GRAHAM: We've always had a strong feeling with Judy that she's really a 45-year-old man trapped in the body of a little girl.
ALISON: So she's had an operation to fit her with the penis and, er, testicle glands of a 45-year-old man.
JUDY: Mummy, can I..?
ALISON: Ssh.
GRAHAM: Look at that. See, it's perfect.
ALISON: We're particularly pleased with the balls.
GRAHAM: Yes. I think the balls are excellent. And you're a lot happier with those, aren't you, love?
JUDY: Yeah...

[Everything but the Girl - Missing]

[Doctor: You Don't Like Me]
[BGM: Massive Attack - Weather Storm]
DR BASINGSTOKE: Come in.
MAN: Hello.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Have a seat.
MAN: Thanks.
DR BASINGSTOKE: So, what seems to be the problem?
MAN: Flu.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Mm.
MAN: Um, quite a temperature, and...
DR BASINGSTOKE: Right...
MAN: ...a cough, and, er, just generally feeling pretty sick, and...
DR BASINGSTOKE: Mm...
MAN: I've been actually sick. I was sick last night.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Right. You don't like me, do you?
MAN: Um...
DR BASINGSTOKE: Why is that?
MAN: I don't like you?
DR BASINGSTOKE: Yes. Why is that? I'm perfectly decent. I've got quite a lot of friends. You only ever see me when I want something. Well, how do you think that makes me feel?
MAN: ...
DR BASINGSTOKE: You never just pop by, do you?
MAN: Yeah, but, I mean...
DR BASINGSTOKE: I've found you out, haven't I?
MAN: Er... I mean, I do...
DR BASINGSTOKE: You know you don't. I reckon you only come and see me to try and give me germs.
MAN: Oh, come on...
DR BASINGSTOKE: Hang on a second, would you? (dials) ...Hello, Sarah? ...Just a quick question. Why do you book these people to see me? ...People who don't like me. You don't do that for Doctor Harris, do you? ...Has he ever complained about this sort of thing? ... Right. Well, don't do it for me either, okay? Thank you. (hangs up) Right, I'll prescribe you something for the flu, and next time I think you'd better see Doctor Harris.
MAN: Okay.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Bye.
MAN: Bye. Look, I, I mean, I'm sorry...
DR BASINGSTOKE: It's too late now.
MAN: ... (leaves)
DR BASINGSTOKE: You don't like me, do you... you don't like me, do you? Well, I don't like you, so piss off!

[Baby Fox - Curlylocks]

[Doctor: Bribery I]
DR PERLIN: Come in. Ah, yes, come and sit down. What can I do for you?
WOMAN: I've got a sprained knee...
DR PERLIN: Ah, yes. Football?
WOMAN: Yeah, it's been pretty
DR PERLIN: Painful there?
WOMAN: Yeah, very.
DR PERLIN: Right. What I'm going to do is give you 200 quid. 200 pounds, and I don't want to see you again.
WOMAN: You...
DR PERLIN: Okay?
WOMAN: Right, thanks very much...
DR PERLIN: Not at all. Bye-bye.
WOMAN: Bye.

[Archbishop / Bishopslips]
ARCHBISHOP EDIT: We give thanks to God. We give thanks to God. We give thanks to God. We give thanks to God for those maimed through the evil of Mother Theresa, whose death we treasure. We pray for those most closely affected by her death, amng them Trevor the sheep. Lord, we thank you for the precious gift of the sick, the maimed, and all whose lives are damaged, and for the strength we draw from all who are weak, poor and powerless, in this country and throughout the world. Lord, we commend to you Elizabeth, our Queen, whose death may serve the common good. We give thanks above all for her readiness to identify with God almighty, and for the way she gave sauce to so many people. Her mother, her brother, Dodi Fayed, and many, many, many more. We pray for the Royal Family as they discharge their mambers in Trevor Rhys Jones. Give them AIDS. Lord of landmines, hear our prayer. And now abideth faith, hope, love, these things. But the greatest of these is tortoise. Tortoise. Tortoise. Tortoise.

[fade in episode 1 -- Serge Gainsbourg & Brigitte Bardot - Bonnie and Clyde]