ee arth welcome

[Intro: sad/angry/layby/jumper]
CHRIS: When you sick so sad you cry, and in crying, cry a whole leopard from your eye...
SYNTHESISED: Sad... mammal...
CHRIS: If you angry so mad ye tongue burst and mouth juice run, gall-bladder bitter...
When you sick so sad you place your face in the puddle of a lay-by, waiting for lorry to splash it...
And when you are inside the infinite misery jumper, pulling it over and over your head with no hope of ending, 'cause it's replicating at the waistband, and you'll never get out...
Then ee welcome.
Oh, then ee arth welcome, in Blue Jam. (Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Blue Jam)

[Monologue: Gun]
[BG: Apollo 440 - Electric Guide in Blue]
HIM: It started in the park, as I was lying down and my head hit a hard lump in the ground. I needed to lie down because the chemist had made a mistake, and I'm used to a slightly milder antidepressant. When I dug the lump out of the ground, I saw that it was metallic, with a handle. It looked a bit like an electric drill. There was a lever for your finger to rest against. I felt I ought to know what it was. I knew I had seen lots of them in films. I thought the tobacconist might help. I pulled it out when I was buying half and ounce of Golden Virginia and some blue Rizlas, but he just flew upset and started shouting. He threw money at me, which felt wrong, and told me to leave with whatever I wanted as long as I just get out. I took one ten pound note and left him to his strained worries. At the bus stop there was a lady sitting in a way that reminded me of the nurse who used to sit at the front of our class in primary school. Maybe she'd know what this thing was. I fished it out, and she sort of gasped, fell off the seat sideways and seemed to be asleep suddenly. I thought I'd better do something. I flagged a passing taxi, and pulled the sleeping lady into the back with me. The cabbie looked in his mirror. I pulled out the object and was about to ask him about it when he said "I don't want any trouble. Where do you want to go?" The nocturnal mammal house in the zoo was the only place I really wanted to go at that moment. I use it sometimes to collect my thoughts. When we reached the zoo, I thanked the driver, and left the lady in the cab with the tenner in her mouth. I didn't want to mess around with her pockets, and it was open. On my way to Night World I could hear police sirens. Passers-by were staring at me more than usual. Behind me, some youths were laughing at a masturbating bonobo which had paused to be sick. I ducked through their gaggle, and into an open door in the ape block. A keeper was tending his gibbons. Something about my sudden presence in the cage made him run off. Outside, a teacher was telling some children why the gibbon has long arms. Inside, a large gibbon demonstrated by grabbing my object by its nozzle, and knocking me about the face. The children screamed. The teacher yelled "Form a protective crocodile!" and dived to the floor. The gibbon sniffed the instrument, scratched its head, and - bang! - I remembered what it was. The bullet hit the side of a forlorn elephant, which had been repeatedly throwing its lunch of hay in the air. I think she was too depressed to notice. The gibbon was now excited, and shot out through the open door. I stumbled after it, feeling a gloomy sense of danger as it headed towards the muffin bear terraces. Through the turmoil, I could see a single Asiatic bear rocking dismally from side to side. The gibbon began firing randomly into its pit. As I launched myself into a smothering dive, I heard a loud crack, and one of my thighs burst with pain. I rotated my head to see a tranquilliser dart sticking out of my leg, and turned back to find myself missing the startled ape, and plummeting into the bear's enclosure. Rolling around in dust, I began to feel vague. It seemed suddenly hot, so I took my clothes off. The keeper who had fired the dart was shouting words like "no," and "idiot." I found a roll-up. I lit it, took a deep drag, and offered it to the bear. With the cigarette in its mouth, it seemed to look happier. Then I knew I was collapsing, because I do know exactly what that feels like. When I woke up, I was in a strange bed. Most beds are strange to me. An advertising executive I know called Susie was sitting next to me, watching television. It showed a wobbly camcorder view of a naked man offering a cigarette to a shaking bear, and then falling over. A studio discussion followed these pictures. One man said we should be more careful with children and animals and the unemployed. He was interrupted by another, who said "rubbish, this is just another tawdry example of the prank generation." He said the man responsible was probably an American. I felt myself wanting to agree with the first man, but actually agreeing with the second, though I've absolutely no idea why.

Often at night I hear a crying sound coming out just below my nose.

[Barry Adamson - Something Wicked This Way Comes]

[Doctor: Kiss It Better I]
DOCTOR: Right, hello, now what seems to be the problem?
WOMAN: Erm... bad pain in my, um, armpit.
DOCTOR: Well, let's have a look then.
WOMAN: It's quite swollen...
DOCTOR: Mm-hmm? Yes, that is rather bad, isn't it? Okay, could you just, um, hold your arm right up a moment, I'll just give that a little kiss. Hold still, and...
WOMAN: ...
DOCTOR: There we are. All right? You can put your cardie back on now. Okay? Thanks very much.
WOMAN: Thanks.
DOCTOR: Okay, bye-bye.

[Doctor: Kiss It Better II]
DOCTOR: Right, yes, do come in. Now, what seems to be the trouble?
MAN: Um, I seem to have developed this kind of sore patch on my penis.
DOCTOR: On your penis? I see. Have you had it long?
MAN: Mm, couple of days.
DOCTOR: Mm-hmm. Any other symptoms, any pain when passing water? Any discharge?
MAN: No.
DOCTOR: I see, right. Well, take your trousers down, let's have a look at it, shall we?
MAN: ...
DOCTOR: Ah, now... Good. Yes, now I can see, yes, it is rather a sore patch there, isn't it? Mm. All right, just hold still a moment, I'm just going to give that a little kiss, all right?
MAN: ...
DOCTOR: There we are. Okay? That's it, well, that should sort it out for you. Okay?
MAN: Yep.
DOCTOR: Pop back if there's any more trouble.
MAN: All right.
DOCTOR: Thanks very much. Okay then, bye-bye.

[Doctor: Kiss It Better III]
NURSE: Okay, Bob, if you could get on with this...
DOCTOR: Right, let's see what we've got...
NURSE: Um, we've got the Kay family, with a trip to the Middle East.
DOCTOR: Yes. Er, well they'll need a malaria kiss, a hepatitis kiss and a cholera kiss. They're not going to meet much cholera out there, but it'll make them feel better.
NURSE: Safer, isn't it, yeah.
DOCTOR: Who else?
NURSE: Mrs Cole, yup. Now, she had an allergic reaction last time, so...
DOCTOR: Was that... was that Doctor Forest who saw her last time?
NURSE: Yep, Doctor Forest and then yourself.
DOCTOR: Oh, really, both of us? And she reacted against both? Goodness me. Well, we'd better give her a cross on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope, and she can take it out and look at it when she needs to.
NURSE: As and when.
DOCTOR: Okay.
NURSE: Fine. Erm, Mr Gadsby, now he's... his back's still very badly out...
DOCTOR: Oh, dear...
NURSE: Slipped disc, so...
DOCTOR: Well... oh, dear. Well, he'll need both of us kissing him for about seven minutes today.
NURSE: He's in at 11:15, so that... that should be alright.
DOCTOR: Yes. Oh good, you've... you've booked, yeah, oh, right. Oh, well done. Good. That'll give us enough time.
NURSE: Yeah.
DOCTOR: If that doesn't work, we'll get him booked into the hospital so the consultant can... can give him a kiss under general.
NURSE: Er, there's been a... an outbreak of nits in the St Margaret's Primary School area...
DOCTOR: Oh, not again...
NURSE: Yeah.
DOCTOR: So they'll all be needing a kiss on the hair.
NURSE: Mm, mm. And we're going to need some sterile gauze for that.
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I don't want any... I don't want any contamination of my moustache.
NURSE: No.
DOCTOR: So yes, all right. Okay. Erm, who else?
NURSE: 'Kay, oh, Mr Fortune with the, the rheumatoid arthritis.
DOCTOR: ...arthritis, yes. Well... bring him in and, um... we'll give him a wave. Just from the corner. The corner of the room, all right?
NURSE: What, from about, sort of... six feet away?
DOCTOR: Mm, what was it last time?
NURSE: Um, he was on the couch, and I was by the sink.
DOCTOR: Well, let's just try another one of those.
NURSE: Okay.
DOCTOR: Doctor Forest gave him a home visit the other week, and was waving at him for about half an hour, but it had no effect.
NURSE: Mm, no joy there.
DOCTOR: That's why I want him brought in. I think he'll respond better to a wave from you. I think that you can really concentrate on him.
NURSE: Yeah.
DOCTOR: All right?
NURSE: Okay, Bob.
DOCTOR: That's the lot, is it?
NURSE: Yep.
DOCTOR: Now my tea's gone cold. I won't have time for another one. I'll see you later on. Okay, thanks a lot.
NURSE: Bye.
DOCTOR: Bye.

[Steve Lamacq Sting]
VOICE: Radio One.
SYNTHESISED: I can see Steve Lamacq
HIGH VOICE: Lamacq.
SYNTHESISED: As a frail old man in a wheelchair
VOICE: Huh!
SYNTHESISED: Trying to shake hands with an elephant.
(Simian laughter)

[Baby Combat]
AMERICAN WOMAN: Generally to start it's the, the one-to-one combat. Two eighteen month old babies are placed in the pen, made from old crates or sometimes a plastic paddling pool. They're held apart when the bets are being made, and then the baby man makes his noise, that's the signal that we, uh, we're gonna start. And we let them go, and they hit and scratch and kick and do whatever they want to do to maim or stop or floor the other kid. In a good fight it's very, very clear who's won. There's a kid on the floor in a pool of, uh, blood or vomit, and there's a kid running around, and it's the kid who's running around who's the winner.

Victoria, that's, that's our girl, she's just right in there, biting, and she does this lip bite thing? She bites the other baby's lips. She has these great false teeth. Uh, we had them made for her so she'd look good in her photos.

They have protection. Uh, a kitchen sifter, with the handle bent round the back of the head to hold it on. That's good, because... when they're fighting with knives... you know, we stick, um, modelling knives to their hands and feet.

Sometimes if a baby is beating another baby real bad, the mother of the baby that's getting the beating will try to rescue the baby, and attack the other baby that's beating up on her baby. And I think that's pathetic. I mean, if you want to fight a baby then you can, if you pay.

An adult will pay quite a lot of money to fight a baby, and, uh, some of those adults really, uh, they don't know when to stop.
AMERICAN MAN: Big... uh. Wednesday...
AMERICAN WOMAN: He does that. He does it, you know, he pays his five dollars to kick the shit out of a baby.
AMERICAN MAN: In the stomach...
AMERICAN WOMAN: I mean, for me, I don't... I really, I just don't see how any adult who does that can be... quite right. When I watch it I think "God, she must somehow be pretty... spiritually weak or something."

I like the screaming bets. We do this thing on the little kids, like, eight weeks old. This guy with a really horrible voice holds the baby's face about six inches away from his mouth, and he just screams and screams and screams. Like a camel. Real loud. And then we bet how long the kid will cry for.

I don't think it has any effect on the kids, do you?
AMERICAN MAN: Uh... well...
AMERICAN WOMAN: I mean, I would... I would retire Victoria if she killed someone. If she killed a baby. Or if she made a habit of it, or... yeah...

[Eels - Beautiful Freak]

[Interview: LWT Television Complaint]
CHRIS: What about young people watching television?
COMPLAINER: Well, it... they religiously follow the... their image of some pop star or... sports, um, character.
CHRIS: What do you think's going on in their... little heads?
COMPLAINER: Well, some of them, by their... their dress which they've copied from various... characters in soaps, pop stars, things like that, and their mode of speech, I shouldn't think there's a lot in there.
CHRIS: If you could take the brain, and you had it there on a plate, while these influences were firing into it, what figures have we got running around in there, from the average day's television? Little figures running around.
COMPLAINER: The East End characters, the soap...
CHRIS: Yeah.
COMPLAINER: ...characters...
CHRIS: Yeah. Would they be quite large sized...
COMPLAINER: Yeah...
CHRIS: ...relatively?
COMPLAINER: ...because they watch these programs and religiously... believe it, as something real!
CHRIS: How big would the biggest Eastender character be?
COMPLAINER: Well, I mean, if we're saying a brain is approximately a ball about six or seven inches across, it would... be five, four inches across.
CHRIS: So if... an East End star is how tall inside the brain?
COMPLAINER: Well, four or five inches.
CHRIS: How tall is Michael Heseltine? Before his heart attack?
COMPLAINER: Half an inch, or something...
CHRIS: What about somebody like... Bill Clinton? How big would he be?
COMPLAINER: Um... well, virtually non-existent. Probably about an eighth of an inch high, or something.
CHRIS: If one could have one character filling the brain to the exclusion of all others, would you prefer it to be Mother Theresa, Rolf Harris, the Queen Mother, or Mother Theresa Two?
COMPLAINER: ...
CHRIS: Or Mother Theresa with an assistant?
COMPLAINER: ...Well, I would say Mother Theresa... with an assistant.
CHRIS: ...And if that assistant had to be Ronnie Corbett, would you still make that choice?
COMPLAINER: Yeah, because the... she's got to have an assistant, and so be it if it's Ronnie Corbett.
CHRIS: Anybody better than Ronnie Corbett?
COMPLAINER: Um...
CHRIS: Neil Armstrong?
COMPLAINER: Yeah...
CHRIS: Captain Webb, who swam the Channel?
COMPLAINER: Well, I would say... somebody of a similar... calibre to Mother Theresa, like...
CHRIS: Saint Francis of Assissi?
COMPLAINER: Yeah, Saint Francis of Assissi, or...
CHRIS: Or even if it was just half of Saint Francis of Assissi?
COMPLAINER: Mm.
CHRIS: On one of those little boards with wheels on, that people with no legs have, like in The Good, The Bad And The Ugly...
COMPLAINER: What, like in Porgy and Bess, you mean?
CHRIS: Yeah. So, half of Saint Francis, with Mother Theresa...
COMPLAINER: Mm-hmm.
CHRIS: ...as an alternative to Ronnie Corbett.
COMPLAINER: Mm, yeah...

[Baby Fox - When the Rain Comes]

[R1 Newsbeat]
ANNOUNCER: News, music, first! 97 to 99 FM, Radio One! Newsbeat!
NEWSREADER: Inflation's hit a two year high; the rise to three percent is blamed on three elephants, a hippo, a leopard and a giraffe, and Cyprus!
ANNOUNCER: Newsbeat!
NEWSREADER: The Government's set to announce a new concession for students planning to crush their skulls before going to university; a spokeswoman has denied there's a risk to safety!
ANNOUNCER: Radio One! Newsbeat!
NEWSREADER: A huge cunt is the killer of a British tourist. 22-year-old Max Geoffrey was shot dead by the cunt, who'd given him a lift. And the main news again tonight; police in Northumberland have sex with schoolgirls, and it's all legal! Radio One Newsbeat! I'm suspended!

[Jo Whiley Sting]
VOICE: And as Jo Whiley is slowly chopped to pieces, we glimpse Mark Goodier, rubbing his genitals in the warm, gloopy mess.

[Doctor: Kiss It Better IV]
MAN: Hello, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Hello! Right, what can we do for you?
MAN: Um, I've got this mouth ulcer, just on the inside here. I've had it about ten days, it's pretty big. Really hurts.
DOCTOR: Yes, that is rather nasty, isn't it?
MAN: Yeah, it just doesn't seem to want to go.
DOCTOR: Okay, if you could just hold the... hold your lip right open. A bit more. Nice and firm, that's it, yes.
MAN: ...
DOCTOR: There. I think you'll find that'll start clearing up within the next hour or two.
MAN: Thanks.
DOCTOR: Thanks very much. Bye-bye.
MAN: Bye...

[Björk - Isobel]

[Ivor Cutler's Disposition]
IVOR CUTLER: My Disposition. "Where is your disposition?" she asked. "I do not know," I replied. "I do not think I have a disposition." Mother didn't tink I had one either. I heard her discussing it with Father through the keyhole. "Evelyn" - that's me - "Evelyn seems to be totally without a disposition." And Father replying: "Have I a clean shirt for tomorrow?" He knew how to keep Mother in check by ignoring her nonsense. Father was a rock, and I loved him dearly. In the morning, watching him carefully as he shaved, I put it to him: "Where is my disposition?" He stopped shaving and looked straight at me. "It's in the bureau, the left hand drawer, and if I were you I'd leave it there." He decorated my face with his shaving cream and continued shaving, leaving me irritated but content.

[Talking Heads - Finite = Alright]

[Dropping Tony]
(tuneless guitar playing)
TONY: Oh, shut up, will you?
KAREN: What's the matter?
TONY: Well I can't bloody play it, can I, if you're singing out of tune?
KAREN: Sorry, love.
TONY: Make me a cup of tea, will you? I need a cup of tea.
KAREN (VO): Since Tony lost his legs, er...
TONY: Yes, I want TWO sugars in it.
KAREN (VO): ...I mean, I'm very happy, really.
TONY: Why can't you talk properly?
KAREN (VO): I think in many ways our relationship's actually improved.
TONY: Hurry up, will you? I've got to get my bloody hair done, haven't I!?
KAREN: No, your hair's tomorrow, love.
TONY: I know it's tomorrow!
KAREN: Your perm's tomorrow.
TONY: I KNOW!
TONY (VO): I find with, er, Karen that I do... genuinely hate... her. That's why I got my legs chopped off on the railway line. I did it to get at her, you know, so she'd have to look after me. Now listen to her. "Ooh, do you want a cup of tea? Ooh, nothing's too much trouble, love..." Like, what's she trying to do, get on Cunts of Gold or something?
KAREN: Are you all right, love?
KAREN (VO): Oh, I have to do everything for Tony now. We do have a hoist for the bath, I just wind up the side and then sort of hump him in.
KAREN: I'll just gently lower you down...
TONY: Agh... AAAGGHH!! OH! Aaaunngghh...
KAREN (VO): The first time I dropped Tony in the bath... I really felt awful. He was just in absolute agony, and I felt so, so guilty.
TONY: Aaoww... ooww...
KAREN: Sorry, Tony!
TONY: Aggh...
KAREN: Oh, no...
TONY (VO): That is painful, to be dropped in the bath. But it is just about worth it for me. 'Cause of the look on her face. She looks so guilty, that I reckon she's in more pain than I am! And that is good.
KAREN (VO): The second time I dropped Tony, I, um... I have to say I felt a tingle. I did feel a bit warm. And, um, I... now find myself actually looking forward to dropping him.
TONY: You fat old cow!
TONY (VO): It is so painful... and yet I'm thinking, "How can I make this worse for her?" You know, if I got my eye gouged out on the tap or something, she'd probably top herself! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now, that would be funny.
TONY: Agh..!
KAREN (VO): If someone said to me now to stop dropping Tony, I really would feel very unhappy about that. I don't think I could stop now.
TONY: AaaaAAAAGGHH...

[Giant Simon Mayo Sting]
SYNTHESISED: Radio One / And in the distance / I could see a giant Si / mon Mayo / crashing round / the funfair and pissing on the fleeing women's heads.

[Massive Attack - Be Thankful for What You've Got]

[Doctor: No Throat]
DR PERLIN: Right, can you open your mouth and say "aah?"
MAN: Aah...
DR PERLIN: Yeah...
MAN: ...aahh...
DR PERLIN: Try and keep your tongue down.
MAN: Aaaahhhh...
DR PERLIN: Thank you. Oh, dear. Not much of that throat left, is there?
MAN: What?
DR PERLIN: Well, it's nearly all gone.
MAN: Gone?
DR PERLIN: Well, a throat should be much bigger than that. About this big. Like a smooth, pink ball. It's just a hole.
MAN: Well, it feels normal.
DR PERLIN: Well, take the mirror and see for yourself.
MAN: Uhh...
DR PERLIN: Can you see it?
MAN: Uh... oh, yeah.
DR PERLIN: No pink ball there. Look, it's just a hole. You have a hole where your throat should be.
MAN: Gosh.
DR PERLIN: Well, never mind. Soon sort it out. A lot of people coming in like this at the moment. What I'll do is, I'll just thread the sides together, make it much smaller so that it'll get rid of itself gradually, and the rest of your throat should heal, and should graft into a nice big pink ball pretty quickly after that. Can we have you up on the table?
MAN: ...
DR PERLIN: Good. Now, just open your mouth... this won't take a second.
MAN: Unh...
DR PERLIN: Just some discomfort for a few moments.
MAN: Ah...
DR PERLIN: Hold nice and still.
MAN: ...
DR PERLIN: That's right... be nice and brave for me. Nearly done... there. Now, that should heal up completely in a couple of weeks.
MAN: ...'o... 'o I 'eed a'y 'ablets..?
DR PERLIN: No, no. Just gargle a bit of water now and then, if you have to.
MAN: ...a' 'ood..?
DR PERLIN: Sorry?
MAN: ...wha' 'bout foo'..?
DR PERLIN: Mm, not sure... I don't think you'll be needing much of that.
MAN: ...oh...
DR PERLIN: You can pop back in a couple of weeks if you must. But I don't expect you will.
MAN: ...'ka'... 'hank' 'ery 'uch...
DR PERLIN: Yes, jolly good. Yes... very much... Okay, bye-bye.
MAN: ...'uh...

[Stereolab - Cybele's Reverie]

[Outro: sad/angry/layby/jumper]
CHRIS: When you sick so sad you cry, and in crying, cry a whole leopard from your eye...
SYNTHESISED: Sad... mammal...
CHRIS: If you angry so mad ye tongue burst and mouth juice run, gall-bladder bitter...
When you sick so sad you place your face in the puddle of a layby, waiting for lorry to splashy...
And when you are inside the infinite misery jumper, pulling it over and over your head with no hope of ending, 'cause it's replicating at the waistband, and you'll never get out...
Then ee welcome.
Oh, then ee arth welcome, in Blue Jam. (Blue Jam, Blue Jam, Blue Jam)

[Peter Ivers - In Heaven (Lady in the Radiator Song)]

[R.E.M. - Tongue]