Things You Never Hear

Then there are some things you never hear. That makes sense, some things you never hear.

You never hear this: "Dad, you really ought to drink more." Here's something you don't hear too often: "Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone!" Here is something no one has ever heard, ever. Ever. "As soon as I put this hot poker in my ass, I'm going to chop my dick off." You know why you never that? Right! No one ever said that!

Which to me is the more amazing thing: no one ever thought to say that before tonight. I'm the first person in the world to put those words together in that particular order. First guy. Number one. Here's something you don't hear too often. "Honey, let's sell the children, move to Zanzibar and begin taking opium rectally." "Mom, mom I got a big date tonight. Can I borrow a French tickler from you?"