Offensive Language

Now, I'd like to begin tonight with an opening announcement: Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what it is I'm allowed to say. So, I now have my own official policy: This is the language you will not be hearing tonight:

You will not hear me say: bottom line, game plan, role model, scenario, or hopefully. I will not kick back, mellow out, or be on a roll. I will not go for it and I will not check it out; I don't even know what it is. And when I leave here I definitely will not boogie. I promise not to refer to anyone as a class act, a beautiful person or a happy camper. I will also not be saying "what a guy." And you will not hear me refer to anyone's lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word "lifestyle" is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active outdoor lifestyle. I will also not be saying any cute things like "moi." And I will not use the French adverb "tre" to modify any English adjectives. Such as "tre awesome," "tre gnarly," "tre fabou," "tre intense," or "tre out-of-sight."

I will not say "concept" when I mean "idea." I will not say "impacted" when I mean "affected." There will be no hands-on, state-of-the-art networking. We will not maximize, prioritize, or finalize, and we definitely will not interface. There will also be no new-age lingo spoken here tonight. No support-group jargon from the human potential movement. For instance, I will not "share anything with you." I will not "relate to you" and you will not "identify with me." I will give you no input, and I will expect no feedback. This will not be a "learning experience," nor will it be a "growth period." There'll be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not "establish a relationship," we will not have any "meaningful dialogue" and we definitely will not "spend any quality time." We will not be supportive of one another, so that we can get in touch with our feelings in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you're one of those people who needs a little space, please, go the fuck outside!